Just a Normal Mummy

1. Obviously. You don’t own them. They own you mother fucker. 2. Apparently newborn babies sleep up to eighteen hours a day… but only whilst on your chest, with you at a 47 degree angle, whilst being rocked, opening their left eye every 20-minutes to check you’re “still there”, as the blood moon rises in Venus, and we all fling a fucking fanny over a …

1. Shiny hair, strong nails, glowing skin… are apparently things that happen in Narnia or Brazil or something, but whilst those bits appear to have ‘skipped you’ – you and your split ends/teenage skin do at least have the J-Lo bum and boobs you’ve always wanted. Touch me. 👊 2. Think of how many tampons you’ve saved. 3. No more sucking your gut in – …

Ah pregnancy… The sweaty, heart-burny, leg-crampy joys of impending doom, I mean motherhood, that no-one ever warns you about UNTIL IT’S TOO DICKING-WELL LATE. Ok. I’m exaggerating a little. And clearly it’s all worth it in the end and a necessary process to go through so that you can spend the next decade or so doting on a child whose genetically programmed to mix Play …

I’m sorry I’m sometimes shouty-mum That sometimes horrid things come out of my mouth-y-mum I’m sorry if I sometimes don’t do the best mum-job And that most days we’re running late, and I look like mum-slob I know that I’m sometimes lazy-mum And I have moments where I just need to sit on my bum I’m sorry I sometimes lose my shit And some days …

It’s kind of weird that I’m writing this in mid March… but hey. ‘The Beast From the East’ (and it’s younger slightly-less-aggressive brother ‘The Twat From the Right’), has spun the UK in to CHAOS. (Which has mostly meant we’re all bitching about being cold, have bought extra milk, are quite annoyed about our wheely-bins not being collected and have to post snow pictures on …

If someone had told me almost seven years ago that I’d be sat here typing words about how hard ‘just being a mum everyday’ could be… or how lonely, isolating, and constantly emotionally draining moments of parenthood can be – I’d be telling them to fuck off. It doesn’t mean it’s not wonderful. Because it so often is. It doesn’t mean my kids aren’t the …

Christmas is different now… Good different, new different, my baubles are made out of biscuits and glitter-that-NEVER-STOPS-F*CKING-SHEDDING-EVER different. But certainly DIFFERENT. And here, for the parents with small children at school, is precisely HOW: THE FATHER CHRISTMAS THREAT ACTUALLY WORKS. I now realise there is a specific window between age four and maybe about age seven where December becomes the most well behaved month OF THEIR …

I’m never sure whether to publish posts like this. They wait in my ‘drafts’ folder staring at me. Full of things I’m never sure if I want to share, or if I’d rather keep hidden away once the words are written… so I don’t have to be reminded of them again. But if blogging has taught me anything – it’s that opening up about my …

Ah… the winter season is almost upon us. And with it comes early evenings, snuggles on the sofa and hot drinks… ORRRRR if you’ve got small children – stone cold tea you’ve already re-heated four times in microwave covered in porridge, while everyone sits on you using their elbows, and cries because they hate the dark… sort of same really… *rocks and goes to happy …

I’ve been a school mum for an entire year now… hard to believe I’ve spent 12-months arriving at the school gates with all the children I own dressed, fed, and mostly on-time with all the ‘stuff’ they need… but I have. So here’s my clearly-now-expert guide to surviving the school run in style. As you’ll be doing it FOREVER (or atleast until you are nearly …