Suddenly. Life has changed again.
I’d just got used to it.
I’d got lulled into a false sense of security.
I thought I had it down.
What a fool I’ve been.
Just as I almost had a grip on this I-made-a-baby-and-now-I-need-to-look-after-it-malarki – BOOM. Like a giant tidal wave of turd; the parenting under lords washed away any confidence and smugness I ever felt towards my mummy abilities by showing my daughter how to crawl.
Complete arse-balls.
As ever, I feel it’s time for some of my clearly ever-so-helpful parenting tips. WallyMummy style. So prepare for bad language, booze and tears.
Make the travel cot a permanent fixture in the centre of the living room. Not for the baby. For you. This will be your new and only sacred place left to cry. And occasionally eat.
Get a couple of extra dressing gowns for rotation. You won’t be getting dressed for a while…
Don’t bother protecting all the corners of your furniture off, simply strap a pillow or helmet to your baby’s head and/or face.
Everything at knee level is now at risk of elimination. Remove all your books, magazines, DVDs, ornaments and picture frames and replace with husband’s possessions.
Superglue their toys to the playmat – that’ll mess with their tiny minds.
No matter how much you think you’ve baby-proofed and child-locked your cupboards they will always find bleach to drink and a saucepan to wear as a face-hat. There’s nothing for it – you’ll just have to give up cooking and cleaning.
Forget candles ever existed.
When making a toilet trip at home or out and about, gaffa tape your baby to the nearest heavy object or attach a short leash.
Attach a basket to baby’s back and make them carry their own f*@king toys around for a change.
Wave goodbye to your pets. Now my child has an adaptive ‘chase’ mode, my cats haven’t been seen during day light hours since mid-August.
Remember when you could sit down, leave them to play on their own for a while, leave them sat in their buggy with some toys perhaps? Well that’s nice. Because that’s all it will ever be now… A SHITTING MEMORY.
Better go. As I type my daughter has made her way across my living room, pulled out the entire contents of the changing bag, which she is now wearing whilst eating a nappy and attempting to use the plug-socket as a finger glove.
#awesome
#whatdidIevercomplainaboutbefore
#passthegin
#nottheglass.thebottle
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| It. Amidst its trail of destruction. |
I have completely forgotten why I ever wanted my son to crawl. He started pulling himself up and cruising the same day and our house has never looked the same! Good luck
ReplyLol x well I am just starting that journey… I'd imagine life only gets worse so I'm glad I can blog rant for therapy. From the travel cot… 🙂
ReplyLOL! I remember it well. A tip for you, set aside one low cupboard in your kitchen in which you have tupperware or plastic pots/boxes, a couple of wooden spoons, a plastic spatula, a stainless steel mixing bowl and occasionally, add a box of raisins, a pot of cheerios, or a toy. Say 'NO' firmly and stop her getting into any other cupboard but let her play in that one. She'll soon realise that letting Mummy cook lunch/dinner while playing in 'her' cupboard is fun.
About moving things up, I didn't bother. We used NO and we meant NO. My boy soon got the message. When we added a daughter to the mix, we had to change all our thinking because instead of being able to focus on just one child and prevent accidents/problems, our attention was split and she'd get into EVERYTHING.
If all else fails, get a staple gun and staple her clothes to the floor. That'll keep her in one place.
ReplyRight – cupboard and stapler. Sorted :))) lmao xxx
ReplyLOL I remember this stage so well. When new mums complain to me how hard dealing with a newborn, I can't help but suppress a smirk. Newborn stage is by far the easiest you will ever have to deal with!
ReplyHad a good chuckle at this. And it's true, I don't remember the last time I lit a candle! xx
Yes I don't know what I ever complained about before lol!
One day we'll have candles again… One day… 🙂 lol
ReplyWait until she starts talking, or worse still, has free will! 😀
ReplyLol. That's ok. I'm moving out before that happens 😉 x
ReplyAwesome post! See you at the MADs in the funny category next year 😉
ReplyOh I'd love that! Something to aspire to! xxx 😉
ReplyOh damn I'd blocked out this memory of Cian and now Fifi is on her tummy and rocking and rolling don't think it'll be long before I'll be needing your tips.
ReplyGreat post – thanks for linking!! xx
Well no-one can survive parenthood without them! I like to think of myself as a total GURU. love the linky x will be back soon :))) x
ReplyI know that feeling well! Love your post and I am actually thinking about using some of your tips! Number one the travel cot, except my toddler can climb in and also the no cleaning thing 😉 I forget mine can crawl now and quite often go and do something and then freak out that I have lost him. Xx
ReplyLOL – I know very disconcerting when you leave them in one spot and they turn up in an entirely different room… I'm wondering how I'll ever go to the loo alone again soon… xxx 🙂
ReplyHaha love this, so true! It's so much worse, however when the child in question is your second one and you also have a screaming 3 year old determined that she must not touch anything at all that belongs to him (or me or the cats or daddy!). I eye up lambrini at lunchtime on a daily basis!! Lol. Xx
ReplyShit. I'm already drunk by 3pm gonna have to have a rethink if I have another… Thanx for the heads up 😉 lol xxx
ReplyThis is a BRILLIANT post. Funny, well written …and so true. After a 3.5 year gap it's back to Babydom for me shortly – and this has been a pertinent reminder of all the things I'd forgotten!
Replyhaha – this is my first… and last if shit carries on like this…
:))) x
ReplyOh man! I have twins, I've been 'naively' been looking forward to the day they start crawling! Better buy a travel cot! Love your blog!
ReplyOh man! I have twins, I've been 'naively' been looking forward to the day they start crawling! Better buy a travel cot! Love your blog!
ReplyOh man! I have twins, I've been 'naively' been looking forward to the day they start crawling! Better buy a travel cot! Love your blog!
ReplyDO NOT ENCOURAGE. HEED THIS WARNING… LMAO 😉 xxx staple them down immediately, staple them down… 🙂 x
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