It’s kind of weird that I’m writing this in mid March… but hey.
‘The Beast From the East’ (and it’s younger slightly-less-aggressive brother ‘The Twat From the Right’), has spun the UK in to CHAOS. (Which has mostly meant we’re all bitching about being cold, have bought extra milk, are quite annoyed about our wheely-bins not being collected and have to post snow pictures on social media at least twice a day OTHERWISE WE MIGHT DIE.)
So I thought it was high time I posted my top 10 totally serious and not at all piss-taking tips for surviving the snow with toddlers and small people:
- Ensure your toddler wears a hat, scarf and gloves…. then laugh hysterically, before punching yourself in the face to remind you that you can still actually feel things, whilst listening to your own voice for the 4,999th time asking, bribing and begging them to just put one glove on… please… Whilst everyone cries.
- Head out into the snow with a toddler in flip flops, Bermuda shorts and some jam with their coat undone. Return approx 4.5 seconds later with them screaming in your face because you ‘made me cold mummy.’
- It’s perfectly acceptable to open gin at this point.
- Check the weather app on your phone at least twelve times an hour. If you don’t like what you see, just keep downloading alternative apps until you find one that gives you a forecast you approve of.
- Every time you leave the house be sure to pick up the essentials from a Tesco Express… so that you can enjoy having twelve pints of milk in your fridge turning into cheese, and everyone can be bored to the absolute tits of toast.
- Snow ball fight rules are as such: Everyone can get Daddy. Daddy can get Mummy and the big one. No one dare get the toddler else he’ll lose his shit. If Daddy gets Mummy in the face she will lose her shit. The toddler can’t throw but has worked out that if he sneaks up on his big sister while she’s distracted and stuffs snow down the back of her coat that everyone will lose their shit and will have to leave*. (*have to leave but go via the shop to buy bread and milk first. Obvs.)
- Don’t forget to spend the equivalent of a month’s mortgage payment on sledges, padded gloves and snow boots. You won’t be able to afford heating or food, and it’ll probably never snow again before they’re 18, but it’ll be worth it for that Boomerang video you just made and posted on Instagram. #win
- Yes. They used your ‘good scarf’ to decorate the snowman with. And those are your only gloves and the carrots for tonight’s casserole… excellent. THANK YOU DADDY.
- You plan to remove these items from the garden at a later and more sensible date. Like June.
- It really is acceptable to have all the gin now. (With some toast, cheese-milk, and an extra jumper on, whilst you continually trip over the mother-chuffing sledges and start searching for all inclusive beach holidays on the Thomas Cook website.)
#allthegin #snowdays #boomerangsledgewins
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