The Basic (Baby) Pool Rules

NO running
NO jumping or diving
NO eating or drinking – except gin of course; it’s not a drink, it’s a necessity and a right
NO glass – pre-made tins of G&T or vodka jellies it is
NO pets – ugly babies allowed at manager’s discretion
NO rough play or baby dunking (ugly babies exempt)
NO splashing the mums who’ve actually had time to do their hair and makeup… selfish cows. (key their cars later)
NO chatting up the hot lifeguard – you’ll be in Lycra without makeup; have some self respect.
NO leaving babies unattended… drifting on an inflatable around the pool… while you chat to other mums… to ogle hot lifeguard and slag off the unknown mother who is shamelessly flirting with him… slut
NO inappropriate swimwear – nothing says chav quicker than a 6-month-old in a thong bikini…
NO heavy petting – considering that is how most mums got into the whole baby/childbirth/sleep-deprived-soul-destruction thing the first time, rest assured this won’t be a tough one to uphold
No sleeping in the pool area… or ever again


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