I might be one, but I’m not sure I like all of them.
I know first hand that being a mum can totally mangle your mind but there are some truly odd mothers out there; often roaming in packs or hunting solo – they seem to be preying on ‘normal’ mums everywhere and I think it’s only right I give the masses fair warning…
*DISCLAIMER* sweary, shouty, ranty post ahead (but then you never expected any less did you now ;))
So, here’s the types of mums to be avoided at all costs:
Mums that pretend their children slept through the night from the day they were born. STOP LYING.
Mums who have read every single parenting book EVER. In fact they are close personal friends with Gina Ford. And she knows show to look after your any better than you do apparently. Don’t you know that…
Mums who kindly explain everything you’ve been doing wrong based on a brief inspection of your child: “Have you been over feeding them? I’m not sure this top is the right size. Have you been winding her properly? Is this nappy is tight enough… etc etc etc… whores.
Mums that ensure their children are the first to do everything. Undoubtedly via strict daily training sessions. AND TELL YOU ABOUT IT EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEM AND VIA EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNEL POSSIBLE. THANK GOD. (cap locks for shouting)
Mums who race you to collapse their buggy faster into the self-opening boots of their giant 4x4s. In fact they can collapse your buggy faster than you can and that makes them a better parent don’t you know.
Mums that insist their 10 month olds are vegan and only eat organic, nut-free, wheat-free, gluten-free, lactose-free, fart-free dust. Because that’s healthier…
Mums that upgrade their limited edition, all accessories compulsory Bugaboo every year just so they can show you how much it’s possible to spend on a buggy. And look at yours with a squinty face, pronouncing the name wrong and saying ‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that one… what an interesting colour… did you get it off eBay?’ (make a mental note to laugh in their faces when their children projectile vomit across theirs and insist on walking everywhere)
Mums who’s houses are literally a shrine to their babies – every wall space splattered with photos and memories, and every inch of floor invaded by Fisher Price and Crayola. If you’re not prepared to do the same you actually love your child less. FACT.
Mums who know all the best mother and baby groups, best classes, best days to go to what… am I allowed to find anything out for myself? Perhaps I would like the chavvy singing group at the library on a Wednesday because it makes me feel better about my own life.
Mums who won’t let you buy anything new because they always have one that you can use/borrow/have/buy… yes, occasionally it’s very helpful, but sometimes I just want to fucking buy one for my baby because I JUST DO. OK. And no I don’t want your used breast pump before you sell it on eBay… Bleurgh.
Mums who despite not being in any way medically qualified can diagnose and prescribe treatment for your child at a glance. Sometimes even via a Facebook status. Some even know the latin names for the illnesses… WTF?!
Mums who started baking the day after their baby was born. Seriously I couldn’t even remember my name for the first week after childbirth, stop rubbing your cupcakes in my make-up free face.
Mums who keep their houses immaculate no matter what time of day your drop in (in attempts to catch them out)… my version of cleaning to date has been ‘Febreeze’.
Mums who insist on telling you all the labels their child is wearing, even when you don’t remember asking… I think it’s fabulous that little Timmy is in head-to-toe new season Ralph Lauren… mine is sporting whatever-the-fuck-I-can-find-that-still-fits-her-and-doesn’t-have-shit-stains-on-it.
In fact any mum who manages to make you feel any more inadequate than motherhood itself already makes you feel should basically be shot, or at the very least sterilised.
Sorry about that – rant over 🙂
Phew….I didn't see myself named and shamed in there. (I'm the slovenly, unthreatening type who freely admits to winging this parenting thing and can't be arsed to judge others) Great post. 🙂
lol – then you are normal! Let's drink to that 🙂 yay! seriously let's drink. I need to.
Can't spot myself in the list – yay!
Made me laugh and most definitely agree. Great post
lol- phew! Another follower retained… *wipes brow* 😉 xx
I think I love you 🙂
Hahahahaha – I can accept that 🙂 ROFL.
phew its defo not me! i decided not to attend a baby meet up when this comment appeared "of course all snacks will be gluten free, organic and vegan" aka my snacks will taste like crap stay at home avoiding the house work drinking coffee eating chocolate and watching unending amounts of cbeebies!Reply
lol – I could tell you were one of us… 😉 x hurray for CBeebies and bread. :))) x
how can they not eat bread?! #aliens
i do fall into my sil's idea of "perfect parent" but i cant help that my child is naturally better than hers! its not like i actually try!Reply
tee hee – I like to think of myself as perfect through imperfection 😉 well really through perfection but THAT might sound arrogant… JOKE! lol (but not really) xxx
I think I've met most of the above… unfortunately! Great post x
lol – yes there are more out there than you think… LMAO xxx
Hear hear!! X but have spotted that I am the sharing mum!! But I don't go round forcing things onto people! X
lol – well a little bit is fine! We can still be friends xxx tee hee xxx
I am SO with you! This is why I've never done NC effing T.
LOL – well I actually did NCT but I like to think of myself as the 'new breed' hahahaha xxxReply
Haha you missed one….I'm the mother of the older child who clearly knows everything and has never repeated the whole fiasco as it was just to shit to speak of. #dolovehimtho 😉 xx
One day I will blackmail you with that! LMAO x
Hmmm. You don't live in West London by any chance do you? This all sounds very familiar to some of the things I encounter daily!
No – I think these are fairly global! tee hee xx
Brilliant. I can certainly relate to a number of those and worry a little that I may have fallen in to the trap of one of those points! Eek! Will dig myself very quickly out and attempt to never return again!
Well thank god you read this post just in time! lol x thanks so much for reading and commenting :))) x
Love it! And you haven't mentioned me in the list, bonus! 🙂 xx
yay! looks like I've done fairly well at retaining friends so far with this post then LMAO xx
I've met every single one of the parents on that list but I can say my kids did things at their own pace, wore anything that fitted, had an unpronounceable buggy that weighed a ton and took hours to collapse and, best of all, I ended up having to pay a cleaner when the dust bunnies were almost the same size as the bath panel. If I ever gave advice, I think I managed to couch it in 'have you tried' terms and only read 1/2 of a parenting book out of desperation and 4 months of sleep deprivation.
That all sounds pretty much like my parenting journey to date! I did once buy a parenting book, but I was too knackered to read it anyway. It's on a shelf pretending to give off an air of 'I know what I'm doing'. 🙂 thanks for reading and commenting! xxx
Haha this made me laugh so much!
I am guilty of reading and worshipping Gina Ford but she is the ONLY parenting book I've ever read and the reason that I am guilty also of the first thing on your list… (From 3months not from birth) BUT I try my hardest not to brag about it or mention it unless people ask! So I'm hoping you don't hate me?!
I look like a twat loading my buggy into the car with my weedy muscles as I can barely lift it.
I don't do baby groups AT ALL.
I have endured much criticism for maxing out my credit cards to buy new rather than get everything second hand.
I do bake (not always successfully) but not as often as I'd like (about once a month)
Tidy house? Makeup? What are those?
Brilliant post. Made me laugh. Especially the fart dust!
lol – you are a true 'disciple' LMAO x
haha i love this post…i know moms like this but due to a brain defect i have the unstoppable ability to tell them to stick it where the sun dont shine…hence i have no mates at the school gate, couldnt give a hoot about play groups and generally have less female friends than normal…probably!!
Sounds fair x good job indeed 🙂 x
YES. Lets kill them all with a big stick.
I would like to add another type to the list: mums who semingly spend their entire time taking photos of their baby. CONSTANTLY. every single minute of their lives are recorded on the camera. And then uploaded to facebook. And the baby is smiling in every single photo because they pull faces at it until it laughs because GOD FORBID ANYONE THINK THEIR CHILD ISN'T ALWAYS SMILING AND HAPPY LIKE SOME FUCKED UP MEMBER OF THE BRADY BUNCH. All of this makes them a better parent than you.
Except it doesn't because it actually means they spend all their time photographing life and partaking in none of it.
Lisa @ http://www.howtobeadomesticdisgrace.blogspot.com
lol – although I have a bad feeling that I am actually that mum… hahaha x I'll get the big stick prepared xx
This is sooooooo funny and so so so true! I'm pretty sure I stayed in my dressing gown for about the first month!! And z is now 22 months and only started sleeping through 2 months ago. There is one girl I know who does pretty much all of the above…. AND ALL her kids slept through from when they were born!!! Grrrrrrrrr!Reply
Lol grrrrt indeed 😉 xxReply
So true! My version of cleaning is also spraying the febreeze about – even works on my clean freak other half who thinks Ive cleaned when things smell that bit nicer 😉
Well the moral of that story is men r still really stupid 🙂 #fact lol xx
Lol this made me chuckle, i've met a few of them! x
They are out there!! X lol
Oh dear – I think I can see myself in at least one of these points! I will stop immediately! *gulp*
Lol x one is fine! I think I could probably admit to slight tendencies in one or two areas… Only on bad days of course! Thanks for reading 😉 xxx
I can admit that I can be several of these mummies but its because sometimes I forget to take my work hat off and put my mummy/friend hat on! For me it's when my mummy friends or family member give me parenting advice about what I can be doing like "have you tried this" or "did you know if you do this.." And "at this age they can start doing or will do.." I like to politely remind them what I do for a living (work for well known parenting website) and that I am capable of reading up on parenting and child development if I want too, or maybe I like to feed them chocolate all day and watch Cbeebies! Maybe I should take my own advice lol!
Great post Hun! X x x
Lol x think we're all guilty of a little but here and there 🙂 xxx the advice does get a bit much after a while doesn't it! Tee hee x oh a mum's life… *sighs*
This is brilliant, so accurate. when I had my daughter, another friend had a baby at the same time and followed Gina bloody Ford to the letter. Routine, no dummies etc. consequently she couldn't leave the house as baby had to sleep in the cot in the dark room. sod that, and I remember feeling very smug when my daughter would drop off anywhere with no hassle. The best moment came when we were out one day and her little one was screaming the place down, wouldn't settle and she turned to me and said "have you got a spare dummy? I can't bear this anymore!" I silently handed one over, feeling very smug!
Lol x I make that normality 1, Gina Ford nil 🙂 *cackles* xx