I might be one, but I’m not sure I like all of them.
I know first hand that being a mum can totally mangle your mind but there are some truly odd mothers out there; often roaming in packs or hunting solo – they seem to be preying on ‘normal’ mums everywhere and I think it’s only right I give the masses fair warning…
*DISCLAIMER* sweary, shouty, ranty post ahead (but then you never expected any less did you now ;))
So, here’s the types of mums to be avoided at all costs:
Mums that pretend their children slept through the night from the day they were born. STOP LYING.
Mums who have read every single parenting book EVER. In fact they are close personal friends with Gina Ford. And she knows show to look after your any better than you do apparently. Don’t you know that…
Mums who kindly explain everything you’ve been doing wrong based on a brief inspection of your child: “Have you been over feeding them? I’m not sure this top is the right size. Have you been winding her properly? Is this nappy is tight enough… etc etc etc… whores.
Mums that ensure their children are the first to do everything. Undoubtedly via strict daily training sessions. AND TELL YOU ABOUT IT EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEM AND VIA EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNEL POSSIBLE. THANK GOD. (cap locks for shouting)
Mums who race you to collapse their buggy faster into the self-opening boots of their giant 4x4s. In fact they can collapse your buggy faster than you can and that makes them a better parent don’t you know.
Mums that insist their 10 month olds are vegan and only eat organic, nut-free, wheat-free, gluten-free, lactose-free, fart-free dust. Because that’s healthier…
Mums that upgrade their limited edition, all accessories compulsory Bugaboo every year just so they can show you how much it’s possible to spend on a buggy. And look at yours with a squinty face, pronouncing the name wrong and saying ‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that one… what an interesting colour… did you get it off eBay?’ (make a mental note to laugh in their faces when their children projectile vomit across theirs and insist on walking everywhere)
Mums who’s houses are literally a shrine to their babies – every wall space splattered with photos and memories, and every inch of floor invaded by Fisher Price and Crayola. If you’re not prepared to do the same you actually love your child less. FACT.
Mums who know all the best mother and baby groups, best classes, best days to go to what… am I allowed to find anything out for myself? Perhaps I would like the chavvy singing group at the library on a Wednesday because it makes me feel better about my own life.
Mums who won’t let you buy anything new because they always have one that you can use/borrow/have/buy… yes, occasionally it’s very helpful, but sometimes I just want to fucking buy one for my baby because I JUST DO. OK. And no I don’t want your used breast pump before you sell it on eBay… Bleurgh.
Mums who despite not being in any way medically qualified can diagnose and prescribe treatment for your child at a glance. Sometimes even via a Facebook status. Some even know the latin names for the illnesses… WTF?!
Mums who started baking the day after their baby was born. Seriously I couldn’t even remember my name for the first week after childbirth, stop rubbing your cupcakes in my make-up free face.
Mums who keep their houses immaculate no matter what time of day your drop in (in attempts to catch them out)… my version of cleaning to date has been ‘Febreeze’.
Mums who insist on telling you all the labels their child is wearing, even when you don’t remember asking… I think it’s fabulous that little Timmy is in head-to-toe new season Ralph Lauren… mine is sporting whatever-the-fuck-I-can-find-that-still-fits-her-and-doesn’t-have-shit-stains-on-it.
In fact any mum who manages to make you feel any more inadequate than motherhood itself already makes you feel should basically be shot, or at the very least sterilised.
Sorry about that – rant over 🙂