I’m a pro now.
I’ve got at least one Mothering Sunday as a parent under my belt… and I feel it’s only fair I impart some wise words and advice to you fellow Mummies, so that you may avoid the ‘pitfalls’ and enjoy your special day as nature intended it.
- Firstly – explain to your husband/partner/significant other that what your really want for Mother’s Day is for him to remove himself and your child/children for the day and leave you alone with a copy of heat magazine, enough chocolate to kill off a tribe of diabetics and a barrel of gin.
- DEMAND breakfast in bed. And remind him that Bucks Fizz is a perfectly acceptable breakfast drink. (Orange juice optional.) (Champagne exchangeable for gin.) (No food necessary.)
- Cards are great… but stretch-marks are for f@*king life you bastard… so Moonpig won’t be cutting it this time. OK.
- DON’T – be sucked in by the M&S ‘dine for four’ adverts on the telly. Your husband is the one that will ‘pop out’ on Mother’s Day afternoon expecting the shelves to be plentiful with Prosecco and pink chocolate puddings and will return with a potato. REMEMBER – LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN LESS DISAPPOINTMENT.
- DO – organise a highly inappropriate night out with your fellow mum-friends involving shots, dancing, karaoke, spanx, cleavage and a skirt almost as long as your vagina.
- Eat a whole pie. Just do it… It’ll make you sexy… sorry – sexier.
- Throughout the day, use Facebook to post pictures of your tiny tot at a few days old; smiling, laughing, making you look like the W-I’s gift to motherhood and woman-kind in it’s entirety…
- Then go on twitter and tell it like it really is whilst crying and being beaten in the face with a xylophone shaped like a crocodile – take a shot of wine to the eye for every RT you get.
- If you fear for one moment that due to the aforementioned alcohol consumption your other half may try to come near you with his penis, take a picture of your lady-bits on his phone and make it his screensaver. Also send to his iPad and work laptop. That should buy you few weeks before the ‘next baby’ conversation comes up again and really shit him up on a Monday morning before his conference call…
- (NOTE TO SELF: don’t let parents use the iPad. (Again)) #cringe
- Remember Mother’s Day is YOUR day to pretend your fanny is in tact and you didn’t pee a little bit on the sofa just then.
- And gin. It really IS all about gin.
#antimothersday
#ginday
#iPadcringe
That has got to be one of the best posts I've ever read! Brilliant.
Replyhahahaha! Gosh – thank you :))) glad you like it so much! xxx
ReplyLove it. You never disappoint!!!
Replyhaha x thank you :))) print it out and hand to your husband… LMAO x
ReplyBrilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You just have to watch out for Mother Nature messing with your mind. I'm on my third (two teens and an 18 month old) so I should know. Now where's that chocolate …?
ReplyAs you have three children you can triple everything. Three pies for you 🙂 #deserved x lol x
ReplyI've got 6 children – there's no way I can eat 6 pies!!
"REMEMBER – LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN LESS DISAPPOINTMENT"….I choose this as my mantra 😀
ReplyYou can do it. Do it for all the mothers out there… lol x It is an AWESOME mantra ;))) x thanks for reading xxx
ReplyThey made me chocolate brownies. I couldn't fit in any pies….I hope I didn't let womankind down too much…
Thanks for writing 😉 x
ReplyBrownies are even better than pies 😉 consider your service done x lol xxx
ReplyOne of the best and funniest blogs I've read! So true! Love the bit about Twitter. #femalePeterKay
ReplyThat's so nice thank you! I like to think of myself as slightly more attractive the Peter Kay but I will still take it as a compliment 😉 tee hee xxx
ReplyHee hee – laughing lots at this fab, funny post!
ReplyYay! Thank you x glad you are giggling! xxx
ReplyMwwwwwaaa ha ha ha ha xxx
Replyhaha x thanks for stopping by :))) x
ReplyBrilliant.
ReplyThanks! xx
ReplyHilarious! Great post!
This is my first Mother's Day – I've requested alcohol, and time to paint my nails and dye my hair.
xx
ReplySounds like a plan :)) thanks for reading and commenting 😉 xxx
ReplyBrilliant again!
ReplyAwww x thank you! ;))) *smug face* xx
ReplyLove it. My fanny may be ruined but at least I get to blame the kids for the dubious stains on the sofa.
Replypahahaha x touche lady 😉 xx
ReplyGreat read 🙂
ReplyThank you x
ReplyYou read my mind 🙂
ReplyThat is my other special power 😉 mwah haha x
ReplyHaha that's funny, great post
Reply:)))) x thanks for reading 😉 xx
ReplyHahahaaaaaaaaa oh my god, that is funny and a bit scary that I was nodding along!
ReplyI only speak the truth 😉 pahahaha xx
ReplyOMG i did just wee myself a little reading that! A brilliantly funny but scarily close to the truth post…………..still chuckling 🙂
ReplyTee hee x so glad it made you laugh 😉 and pee a little :))) lol xxx
ReplyAbsolutely, next year I'll completely lower my expectations, expect nothing and remove myself from the house entirely 😉 xx
ReplyIt's the only way… Don't forget the #gin either 😉 lol x
ReplyWally mummy you are just brilliant, superb,off the scale !!!!! I can't stop reading I think I actually love you! Hahahaha hope you win!!!!
Replyha – me too! lol x x thanks so much for reading and leaving such lovely comments ;))) x
ReplyOMG. I just laughed out loud reading that!!
ReplyAnd yes – that's so the difference between Facebook and Twitter. I can't believe I never noticed it before!!
hahaha – yes once you realise that's it! I don't even know how i'd survive without twitter! lol x
ReplyVery good. This made me laugh out loud and dare I say it a little bit of wee came out (although I dont have the excuse of childbirth) hope your other half has managed to wipe those mixed kebab pictures off his devices 😉
ReplyWell if I can make men wee with laughter too then I know I have surely made it! *fist pump* lol :)))
ReplyAfter having 5 children as I have (sob) forget all the above I'll be out the whole weekend…
Reply