I think my child is trying to kill herself.
Well, perhaps not kill herself, but experiment with how close she can come to death without actually stopping breathing.
It’s fairly terrifying.
And has meant everyday activities are now rather more exciting…
A simple stroll to the park will involve her taking on an alsatian, garrotting herself with her reins, then upon reaching the playground – an impressive attempt to impale herself on the perimeter fence will announce the Wally family has arrived. Usually to a chorus of tuts from some old people.
WallyBubba is also the inventor of the new playground sport for under 2’s aptly named ‘Stand-up Swinging’, and yes, this is EXACTLY as you are imagining it. This involves her repeatedly attempting to become vertical whilst flying through the air on the toddler swings as I frantically attempt to catch her whilst crying. The judgemental-pensioner-tutting goes up a level at this point…
No matter how many times I explain to here there are less painful ways to use the slide, she still insists on coming down on her face. Leaving a trail of snot, skin and tears as she scrapes down via her cheekbone. Unfortunately the same also applies to stairs. It’s impressive.
Please don’t ask me about what happens at soft play… let’s just say my child brings a whole new meaning to the word kamikaze… and we are barred from most… like PubWatch. For toddlers.
Last weekend we took her swimming and despite being prepared with enough buoyancy aids to rescue a fleet of otters, we hadn’t banked on her giving herself an impressive black eye whilst getting out of the car. She didn’t actually seem bothered. She seemed more… proud…
She has an actual immunity to falling over. It’s not falling – it’s simply a way to test the solidity of various hard surfaces with her face. I’m fairly sure she’s on some kind of mystical baby quest to get her first full-blown concussion before she hits 18 months.
I’ve resorted back to blunt rubber cutlery, as providing her with a grown-up knife and fork apparently prompted her on a journey into self harm. And cat harm. And Mummy and Daddy harm.
Story time has to be fully supervised to ensure she doesn’t tear out the pages and begin paper-cutting the skin between her toes to an audience of variously sized Peppa Pigs.
She can also regularly be found attempting to eat glass and radiators. Which is scary. But not as scary as not being able to shake the thought that one morning I’m going to wake up, and she’ll just be there… standing over me… with a yoghurt spoon in one hand, and one of my kidneys in the other…
Apparently I used to just walk off outdoor play equipment (the higher, the better) and expect someone to catch me…Mum always did. Who's the silly one?Reply
well true… 😉 lol x I'd imagine mine will take a running jump. face first… ha! x thanks for the comment :))) xReply
Right… Now I reckon WallyBubba is in training… Maybe she's gearing up for a toddler version of the Hunger Games?! Or a at least toddler Jackass? She has balls of STEEL! Absolutely loved this, thanks so much for making me laugh and linking up 😉Reply
She's what I like to call… 'robust'. lol x no worries, thanks for stopping by and commenting :))) xReply
my son, aged 10, has managed to break his nose 3 times……one of which was at soft play!!Reply
Good luck xx
Oh gosh! That's almost impressive! I think the soft is silent or ironic or something…? Lol xReply
This post made me laugh!! What is they say, "they learn from their mistakes", certainly not tru in my house, they go on to do the same things again and again. xxReply
Haha – you're so right… It just eggs them on further! Lol xxxReply
Don't worry….I once had it on good advice from a doctor that, at this age, they're 100% made from rubber and just bounce.Reply
😉 ha – good to know… this definitely applies to my toddler. She has a face made of flubber I reckon :))) lolReply
Brilliant, your posts are so funny! POD used to stand on the swing and hit her head on everything 🙂Reply
Lol – It appears it's just the toddlers way of conforming 🙂 nice to know she's mental but normal! lol xxxReply
Ha! Sounds like she has her invincible cape on, or at least thinks she does! My 2 year old twins give me heart attacks on a daily basis – they just have NO concept of danger whatsoever! Hysterical post xReply
Thank you! Danger just doesn't register does it… oh well, at least life's not dull! xxReply
Ha ha and I thought boys were the only ones to try to throw themselves off everything in sight. My little monkey has broken has nose twice and almost knocked himself out already and he's only a few weeks younger than Wally Bubba! They should all come with some kind of danger warning!Reply
Hahaha – yes yellow caution tape upon exit as standard I think! xxx lolReply
Oh but look at her she's so cute! I'm sure you make all this stuff up *tuts* *peers over bifocals and tuts some more* 😉Reply
She's reeled u in… That's how it starts u know… Lol xReply