Now obviously I would never shamelessly jump on the bandwagon of a major sporting event, and certainly wouldn’t even attempt to work the official #Rio2016 hashtag into the first line of a blog post in the hope people Googling to find pictures of Tom Daley’s dive partner’s bum might stumble across this instead… Nope.
So now that’s clear, on with a list of events that would totally occur if ‘Toddlers had their own Olympics’… (you may want some wine for this) (…and don’t worry it doesn’t contain any actual sport. Obvs.)
Event 1 – The Vertical Stairs-Climb
Competing toddlers should attempt to climb the stairs, but NO MATTER WHAT – REFUSE to hold any available railings or frantically flappy adults’ hands in a race to reach the top. Also – NEVER accept that coming down backwards is in fact safer or easier. Because clearly this is a cold, hard LIE.
Event 2 – Buggy Resistance
Competitors must see how long they can resist being put in the buggy (or for advanced competitors – the car seat) by ‘planking the living shit out of themselves’. Dirty tactics from assisting adults such as distraction by toys or chocolate buttons is heavily frowned upon.
Event 3 – The Sippy-Soak
In the ultimate test of speed and stealth, the first toddler to empty the entire contents of a freshly filled sippy cup into their groin without being spotted wins… At life. The free-flowing-sippy-cup-of-dreams and wet groins and life…
Event 4 – The Stationary Meltdown
This is a solo event which should be undertaken at the most inconvenient and unexpected moment for maximum impact. Competing toddlers should pick a good spot in a busy street and see how long they can remain there… Stationary. Screaming. Uncontrollably. For absolutely no bastard reason… (Obviously.) Think musical statues – but without music. And with uncontrollable screaming.
Event 5 – The Hip Hold
Competitors must attempt to ‘clamp down’ onto a parent’s hip like a shitty-little-relentless-ninja-koala with surprising leg strength… And see how long they can remain there. Before they either fall off or mummy completely loses her shit. Either/or.
Event 6 – Olympic Standard Hide & Seek
Attempts not to be found are critical… perhaps pick a glass door, a pole or a large hat to wear whilst remaining in the middle of the room… Sometimes hiding in plain sight is the best hiding place of all… (Although probably not) Remember… SEE THE POLE BE THE POLE.
Event 7 – The Furniture Dive
Fall off some furniture head first. Just to ‘see what happens’ (again) and see how long you can maintain one of those slightly-shaky-open-mouth-silent-cries that makes all the adults in a 5-metre radius freeze and shit themselves.
Event 8 – The 10-Metre Poo-Dash
Competitors must compete a short sprint whilst protesting that they ABSOLUTELY HAVE NOT DONE A POO YOU WHIMSICAL WHORE and see how far they can make it whilst curling off some ‘shitty love’ about the living room for Mummy to stand in later. Barefoot. She loves that.
Event 9 – Dinnertime Discus
And finally, the most skilled event of all… No matter what you are served, your task is to lull your idiot (or parent, whatever) into a false sense of security then begin flinging all items of food at full force across the room. Extra points are rewarded for head-shots to pets/siblings and ceiling throws, and a special bonus will be added if Mummy caves, opens the wine by 5.15pm and begins gently sobbing over the kitchen bin eating cold fish fingers she just removed from a cat and part of the coving.