Dear Toddlers, Fellow Sand-Eaters and Professional Fake-Coughers,
It’s come to my attention that Mummies have one crucial and exposed weakness. Like a Tesco-sponsored ‘Chink in her Armour’… An ASDA Achilles Heel… An open Waitrose Wound…
For most Mummies, simply mentioning the word ‘supermarket’ strikes fear into their cold, dark, gin-fuelled souls… And I’m going to teach you how to find and exploit this weak spot:
Upon arriving at the ‘supermarket’, insist on sitting in a trolley. One without a child seat. You want the one with the baby seat. And you’re prepared to injure a newborn to get it.
Eat her list. Fart it out in sections whilst smiling.
First stop – the magazine rack. You don’t give a shit if you’ve already got that CBeebies mag at home, you want it again. Bitch.
Shouting at the melons makes them happy.
Never EVER allow vegatables into the trolley. Physically resist them with every available limb and/or your teeth. Alternatively toss them at passing pensioners for extra points.
Make it clear that if Mummy wants you to stay in the trolley throughout the shop, you’re going to need an entire french stick and several packets of fruit wriggles. And this pack of tampons.
If Mummy thinks she can by-pass the toy aisle without you noticing she is sorely mistaken. Use the shelving and unsuspecting shoppers to pull yourself towards the Peppa Pig stand. Pick one and lock it in a death grip whilst feeding it french stick.
You need that hat. Yes. You wear hats now. Or at least until you get home. When you f@*king hate hats again.
Pick an aisle at random that you just don’t want to go down. You don’t need to give a reason. You are the lord of this trolley and all who sail in it.
Shout at a member of staff. Just do it. See if you can make one of them cry just by scowling at them. Throw a cat toy at their face. Because you can.
Demand to be released. Time for full-facial-tantrum-flop. Do it near something breakable just to shit Mummy up.
Help Mummy unload everything onto the conveyor belt by packing the items you don’t want back into the trolley/on the floor.
When the checkout lady says hello to you go mute. Then cry whilst screaming ‘Monster! Monster!’ in her face. That should help Mummy hurry things along.
Mummy is mistaken. YOU are responsible for entering the numbers on the chip and pin machine. She’d do well to remember this if she wants to keep her skin whilst bathing you later.
Mummy wants you to go in the car seat so she can pack the car-boot hassle free… time to unleash operation ‘I am a board, you will never bend me’ as she repeatedly fails to strap your rigid body in. She is weak now. You are strong. If she cries, kick her. Demand your french stick.
Once home, help Mummy to put the shopping away by rearranging the food all over the floor and sitting in the middle with your new magazine and what remains of the french stick. Go quiet and use your helpful face. That should scare her.
#onlineshoppinganyone
#doubleupthatginorder
#gin
hahaha!! So funny! Online grocery shopping is a lifesaver x
Replyha 😉 I have no idea why I put myself through it… perhaps I like the pain and the sense of achievement…? lol xx
ReplyFabulous! I agree with the sense of achievement. It's a test of faith. If you got through that without committing murder, you're almost guaranteed sainthood. Good luck with your next big shop haha!
ReplyThank you! i shall need it… *mops brow and reaches for wine* xx
ReplyAnd you see, this is why I on-line shop! x
Replyheehee 😉 I think I sort of enjoy the challenge… lol xx
ReplyYou're a braver lady than me! I tend to use online shopping but my husband has nerves of steel as he lets TT walk (yes, I did say walk) around the supermarket with him. If I did that I'd end up heading straight for the wine isle and staying there! . Fab post, really made me giggle. 😀
ReplyI seem to spend most of my time down the vino aisle…. lol x Your husband is a BRAVE man… *shudders a bit* ha! xx
ReplyHilarious!! And I have all this to come… #TurningToDrink
Reply#Youwillneedthedrink 😉 lol xx
I have had such a crap week and this really cheered me up today. Not for any reason other than it made me laugh until I snorted and then I tried to read it to Hubby and was crying with laughter so couldn't talk. It's funny because it's true!! x
ReplySo happy to have cheered you up my lovely! We shall have to do some gin at Britmums :))) x Thank you so much for the lovely comments 😉 xx
ReplyHa ha! The "I am a board" and "must brandish these tampons" bits! Love it. You really are most Entertaining poppet. x
ReplyHA! Cheers missus 🙂 xx
Replyha ha! I just don't do this though – NEVER EVER EVER!
ReplyI need the material for my blog though right! LOL *cries a bit* heehee xxx
Now try this with a 1 and 2 year old and no car 😉 #realhardcore
I'm not sure I'd make it… *faints* lol xxx
ReplyThis is hilarious and great motivation to finish that online shopping order. List eating and strops in the breakable isle are too painful memory.
ReplyYes, too painful…. *shudders* lol :))) x
ReplyThere are tears streaming from my eyes!!
ReplyJust hilarious! x
Ha! thank you my lovely 😉 xx
ReplyHow I don't miss those fights to get them strapped into a car seat – one arm grabbing the straps and one hand firmly pressing against the gut until their little bodies fold in half and you get 4 nanoseconds to get it clipped before they lurch again 😀
ReplyAnd they are stronger than you bloody well think as well aren't they! lol x
ReplyHilarious! How do they do that mummy (the Egyptian not the mother) rigid thing when you absolutely have to put them in the car seat/buggy?
ReplyThey have been practising since the womb I reckon 😉 lol xx
ReplyHahahahaaa oh this could be one of our trips. And why oh why do they put sweets next to the till. "My want kinder surprise!" Arrrrgh!
ReplyOh God I know! Like it's not hard enough already… lol x
ReplyWait til they're out of the trolley and wanting to push it everywhere!
ReplyHa 😉 I literally just give her anything in that trolley to keep her seated… 🙂
ReplySo true. I nearly cried because i recognise so many of these tactics. I would rather go shopping in the middle of the night than even think about facing the aisles with my two hellians.
ReplyHaha 😉 they're all at it! xxx
ReplyTruly fabulous. You're doing fine on the wine as far as I can see ;0). And this is why I NEVER take them to a supermarket.
ReplyI think Ocado may become my new best friend 🙂
Hilarious! I gave up on shopping with the kids after a nervous breakdown in Aldi lol I now do the food shopping alone at night, it's much more enjoyable 🙂 xx
ReplyEverything alone at night is far better isn't it… lol 🙂 xx
ReplyOMG is your child in some weird toddler communication with S. I need t complain t my local supermarket that the boxes of condoms are at perfect toddler height. Very embarrassing trying t get a box of them back from a toddler on a Saturday morning.
Reply