Dear Toddlers, Fellow Sand-Eaters and Professional Fake-Coughers,
It’s come to my attention that Mummies have one crucial and exposed weakness. Like a Tesco-sponsored ‘Chink in her Armour’… An ASDA Achilles Heel… An open Waitrose Wound…
For most Mummies, simply mentioning the word ‘supermarket’ strikes fear into their cold, dark, gin-fuelled souls… And I’m going to teach you how to find and exploit this weak spot:
Upon arriving at the ‘supermarket’, insist on sitting in a trolley. One without a child seat. You want the one with the baby seat. And you’re prepared to injure a newborn to get it.
Eat her list. Fart it out in sections whilst smiling.
First stop – the magazine rack. You don’t give a shit if you’ve already got that CBeebies mag at home, you want it again. Bitch.
Shouting at the melons makes them happy.
Never EVER allow vegatables into the trolley. Physically resist them with every available limb and/or your teeth. Alternatively toss them at passing pensioners for extra points.
Make it clear that if Mummy wants you to stay in the trolley throughout the shop, you’re going to need an entire french stick and several packets of fruit wriggles. And this pack of tampons.
If Mummy thinks she can by-pass the toy aisle without you noticing she is sorely mistaken. Use the shelving and unsuspecting shoppers to pull yourself towards the Peppa Pig stand. Pick one and lock it in a death grip whilst feeding it french stick.
You need that hat. Yes. You wear hats now. Or at least until you get home. When you f@*king hate hats again.
Pick an aisle at random that you just don’t want to go down. You don’t need to give a reason. You are the lord of this trolley and all who sail in it.
Shout at a member of staff. Just do it. See if you can make one of them cry just by scowling at them. Throw a cat toy at their face. Because you can.
Demand to be released. Time for full-facial-tantrum-flop. Do it near something breakable just to shit Mummy up.
Help Mummy unload everything onto the conveyor belt by packing the items you don’t want back into the trolley/on the floor.
When the checkout lady says hello to you go mute. Then cry whilst screaming ‘Monster! Monster!’ in her face. That should help Mummy hurry things along.
Mummy is mistaken. YOU are responsible for entering the numbers on the chip and pin machine. She’d do well to remember this if she wants to keep her skin whilst bathing you later.
Mummy wants you to go in the car seat so she can pack the car-boot hassle free… time to unleash operation ‘I am a board, you will never bend me’ as she repeatedly fails to strap your rigid body in. She is weak now. You are strong. If she cries, kick her. Demand your french stick.
Once home, help Mummy to put the shopping away by rearranging the food all over the floor and sitting in the middle with your new magazine and what remains of the french stick. Go quiet and use your helpful face. That should scare her.