#BadMummiesClub – ENTRY CRITERIA

  1. Your child has worn pyjamas and/or a swim poncho to more than one social occasion.
    *whispers loudly* And so have you…
  2. Your child is not afraid of dogs – in fact, they welcome the fight and the opportunity to bark freely.
  3. Dinner in your household involves only beige… beige meaning toast… dinner meaning all meals…
  4. Your child stares out cats and pensioners.
  5. You can’t use your hoover – it would disturb the carpet raisins…
  6. You understand there is no point cleaning your house or your child when there is Febreeze for that.
  7. Your child eats from the floor, where there is potentially enough debris to feed them for a week… And this makes you proud. Probably how Bear Grylls started…
  8. Your second favourite time of day is BEDTIME. Which is followed by your favourite time of day: WINETIME.
  9. Unless there’s a stage 2 border breach, it doesn’t need changing.
  10. And when it does, any surface is a change table.
  11. Messy Play is something for other people’s children. Like colouring. And vegetables. And baths…
  12. Unless it’s crispy it’s re-wearable.
  13. Your child’s favourite toy is formed from a standard household object – I.e. a toilet roll, a scouring pad, a tampon-box… or perhaps a piece of Sellotape with rice-cake shards stuck to one end…
  14. Your child sometimes licks other children.
  15. You’ve been barred from at least one Mother & Baby Group.
  16. It’s highly possible that your local town centre has put you on the infant equivalent of pub watch – Toddler Watch.
  17. Your child already knows of Haribo and it’s mystical properties…
  18. You think you may have developed a shame-crush on one of the cBeebies presenters…
  19. You can pinpoint the exact moment you knew you’d never do any of this again, as the point you gave your child bath crayons. *shudders*
  20. You one day wish of a time your house is carpet-raisin free, your child suitably clothed and clean, cats, pensioners and alsatians can rest easy, and where soft-play is mainly about gin and sitting… Ahhh… aspirations…






  1. joy August 22, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 22, 2013
  2. Claire Toplis August 22, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 22, 2013
  3. Cornish Biscuit August 22, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 22, 2013
  4. Kim Carberry August 22, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 22, 2013
  5. brinkofbedlam August 22, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 22, 2013
  6. Charlotte Brown August 22, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 22, 2013
  7. Sarah Anne August 22, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 22, 2013
  8. Suzanne Whitton August 26, 2013
    • Wally Mummy August 27, 2013
  9. Laura Mummy to Boyz March 6, 2014
    • Wally Mummy March 11, 2014
  10. Mama May 9, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 9, 2015

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