A strange thing has been happening to my garden the past two years… Something very odd. And bright. And loud. And shitty. And annoying.
Yes. It appears my garden has been ‘toddlered‘. In fact my entire summer has been bastard-well toddlered.
And yes. This is a term. Just as being ‘ginned’ is also a term. (Don’t look at me like that.)
Here’s how to tell:
Your elegant adult bistro table has been given a toddler makeover. No longer is it for supping prosecco in the evening sun… NO. Now it’s been bejazzled with playdoh, had a gentle soil-based re-spray and one of the neighbourhood cats has taken a shit in the centre of it.
Remember when used to have decorative stones… PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… *pauses for a moment to cry and re-compose* PAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Any exposed patch of soil is fair game for a snack… Your lovingly-prepared homemade dinners – F@*K NO. This pile of plant debris and worm excrement – HELL YES. Think about that…
Every night an army of ninja eagles will take it in turns to fire enormous curly turds at the slide you just cleaned. Luckily baby wipes are remarkably effective at removing even the curliest shit… Toddler or otherwise.
The amount of time you spend setting up your own private aqua park is directly relevant to how long they spend playing in it. A good hour of modern water-based engineering will probably buy you five minutes before they decide they’d rather eat some crisps and watch Peppa-the-arsehole-Pig.
Play-sand has been sent down from Satan himself to break the weaker parents amongst us. Remember. This is why summer is such a good time for outdoor alcohol.
Also – you’ll find play-sand underneath your boobs until September. And you’ll be changing toddler nappies of the self exfoliating kind until then too…
They will wait until the moment you have got comfortable and commence operation PPF. (Paddling Pool Floater) if you’re not quick enough one of the cats will fish it out and begin playing keepy-uppy with it on the white decorative stones…
Your paddling pool is year round. It says on the box. Yes. It does. IT DOES. *downs gin*
Long shorts are the way to go now. Even in the privacy of your own garden, the world will not thank you for wearing shorts that ride up inside your actual vagina.
Tanning oil plus toddlers does not work. Your life is P20 now. And shoulder-only tans. Live with it.
The best game will always be the one that involves the most BBQ ash. Mixed with water. And sand. And your dignity. And gin.
#YourGardenHasBeenToddlered
Hahahaha! I'm sat looking out at my garden now and it has definitely been toddlered……..pass me the gin xx
Emma
Handbags To Change Bags – Mummy & Lifestyle Blog
Pass the gin indeed! lol 😉
ReplyThis cracks me up! haha! i remeber the days very well.
Becky x
ReplyHeehee 😉 Thanks for commenting xx
ReplyI Love this! #Gin #ForTheWin!
Replylol 😉 #gin indeed! xx
ReplyYep – you can kiss goodbye to a nice garden for the foreseeable….don't forget after children come grandchildren. 😉 Keep calm and drink gin. x
ReplyWell, now i'm thinking I might juts ship it off round to granny's! lol xx
ReplyPlay Sand…..was sent to haunt me, surely? I loathed that stuff and the worst bit? No one even plays in it! Your garden will NEVER be the same again. Trust me!
ReplyLMAO – I am already realising this! lol x
ReplyHa ha – it all rings so true!
Replyha! *sobs a bit while nodding* lol x
ReplyHilarious! You never fail to make me laugh. Flipping hate sand! Even though there is none at home, POD managed to empty a boot load of the stuff into a friend's handbag at the weekend. Poor love is having a baby in 3 weeks, she couldn't even save it!
Replylol – awkward! Although you are only preparing her for what's to come once her's grows into a toddler. It's a life lesson really 🙂 x
ReplyWe patio'd our garden and have a really nice rock garden thing all the way around the edges with little pebbles everywhere. We thought it'd be a brilliant playing area for him. First time he goes in he heads straight for the pebbles and starts flinging them about. :/
ReplyHa 😉 decorative stones = red rag to a bull… lol xx
ReplyHa ha – cat keepy uppy! I'll drink prosecco anywhere, even off a table with a special delivery on it 😉 x
True – me too. 🙂 x
ReplyHilarious! My garden has been well and truly toddlered too! x
ReplyHa! You can't fight it. It's a lost battle 😉 lol xx
ReplyNot to mention the enormous fort that has taken over the vast majority of the garden. St least I have my sun lounger installed for said gin consumption!
ReplyAnd you will hold onto the sun lounger for dear life! Dear LIFE. Lol xx
ReplyHa ha very very good made me laugh out loud all the way through reading it 🙂
Replyha! Thanks 😉 *tips cap*
ReplyI've been shoulder, forehead and flipflop-lines-on-feet tanning for 7 years now. I'm toddlered, never mind the garden.
I'd like to be ginned now too.
ReplyPlease?
I shall have this arranged immediately 🙂 x
ReplyWe go to the park…The End.
Replyha! 😉 x
Replyhee hee brilliant – i would never let sand anywhere near my garden though, are you mental?!
ReplyI was probably drunk… 🙂 x
ReplyI think I need to start drinking gin. Mine's done the same slide and pool thing. Bonkers!
Replyha 😉 *sends gin in post*
ReplyWe don't bother anymore – it is a wilderness – we sent them out with survival kits -sometimes they come back. Our sand pit is an Ibiza-style rave den for slugs x
Replypahahaha x I feel like you're giving me something to aspire to…. lol xx
ReplyI love this post, it had me grinning over my coffee is Costa. And I always suspected that Peppa Pig had *that* middle name!
ReplyShe does. It's silent but implied. #fact 🙂
ReplyHard core toddler
ReplyThat she be 😉
ReplyOh my goodness, i thank my friend Julie for bringing you into my life. You have practically written my life story ( thanks that one less thing to remember) xxxx
Reply*does little bow and has a drink for Julie* lol xxx
Reply