A strange thing has been happening to my garden the past two years… Something very odd. And bright. And loud. And shitty. And annoying.
Yes. It appears my garden has been ‘toddlered‘. In fact my entire summer has been bastard-well toddlered.
And yes. This is a term. Just as being ‘ginned’ is also a term. (Don’t look at me like that.)
Here’s how to tell:
Your elegant adult bistro table has been given a toddler makeover. No longer is it for supping prosecco in the evening sun… NO. Now it’s been bejazzled with playdoh, had a gentle soil-based re-spray and one of the neighbourhood cats has taken a shit in the centre of it.
Remember when used to have decorative stones… PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… *pauses for a moment to cry and re-compose* PAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Any exposed patch of soil is fair game for a snack… Your lovingly-prepared homemade dinners – [email protected]*K NO. This pile of plant debris and worm excrement – HELL YES. Think about that…
Every night an army of ninja eagles will take it in turns to fire enormous curly turds at the slide you just cleaned. Luckily baby wipes are remarkably effective at removing even the curliest shit… Toddler or otherwise.
The amount of time you spend setting up your own private aqua park is directly relevant to how long they spend playing in it. A good hour of modern water-based engineering will probably buy you five minutes before they decide they’d rather eat some crisps and watch Peppa-the-arsehole-Pig.
Play-sand has been sent down from Satan himself to break the weaker parents amongst us. Remember. This is why summer is such a good time for outdoor alcohol.
Also – you’ll find play-sand underneath your boobs until September. And you’ll be changing toddler nappies of the self exfoliating kind until then too…
They will wait until the moment you have got comfortable and commence operation PPF. (Paddling Pool Floater) if you’re not quick enough one of the cats will fish it out and begin playing keepy-uppy with it on the white decorative stones…
Your paddling pool is year round. It says on the box. Yes. It does. IT DOES. *downs gin*
Long shorts are the way to go now. Even in the privacy of your own garden, the world will not thank you for wearing shorts that ride up inside your actual vagina.
Tanning oil plus toddlers does not work. Your life is P20 now. And shoulder-only tans. Live with it.
The best game will always be the one that involves the most BBQ ash. Mixed with water. And sand. And your dignity. And gin.
Hahahaha! I'm sat looking out at my garden now and it has definitely been toddlered……..pass me the gin xx
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Pass the gin indeed! lol 😉Reply
This cracks me up! haha! i remeber the days very well.
Heehee 😉 Thanks for commenting xxReply
I Love this! #Gin #ForTheWin!Reply
lol 😉 #gin indeed! xxReply
Yep – you can kiss goodbye to a nice garden for the foreseeable….don't forget after children come grandchildren. 😉 Keep calm and drink gin. xReply
Well, now i'm thinking I might juts ship it off round to granny's! lol xxReply
Play Sand…..was sent to haunt me, surely? I loathed that stuff and the worst bit? No one even plays in it! Your garden will NEVER be the same again. Trust me!Reply
LMAO – I am already realising this! lol xReply
Ha ha – it all rings so true!Reply
ha! *sobs a bit while nodding* lol xReply
Hilarious! You never fail to make me laugh. Flipping hate sand! Even though there is none at home, POD managed to empty a boot load of the stuff into a friend's handbag at the weekend. Poor love is having a baby in 3 weeks, she couldn't even save it!Reply
lol – awkward! Although you are only preparing her for what's to come once her's grows into a toddler. It's a life lesson really 🙂 xReply
We patio'd our garden and have a really nice rock garden thing all the way around the edges with little pebbles everywhere. We thought it'd be a brilliant playing area for him. First time he goes in he heads straight for the pebbles and starts flinging them about. :/Reply
Ha 😉 decorative stones = red rag to a bull… lol xxReply
Ha ha – cat keepy uppy! I'll drink prosecco anywhere, even off a table with a special delivery on it 😉 x
True – me too. 🙂 xReply
Hilarious! My garden has been well and truly toddlered too! xReply
Ha! You can't fight it. It's a lost battle 😉 lol xxReply
Not to mention the enormous fort that has taken over the vast majority of the garden. St least I have my sun lounger installed for said gin consumption!Reply
And you will hold onto the sun lounger for dear life! Dear LIFE. Lol xxReply
Ha ha very very good made me laugh out loud all the way through reading it 🙂Reply
ha! Thanks 😉 *tips cap*Reply
I've been shoulder, forehead and flipflop-lines-on-feet tanning for 7 years now. I'm toddlered, never mind the garden.
I'd like to be ginned now too.Reply
I shall have this arranged immediately 🙂 xReply
We go to the park…The End.Reply
ha! 😉 xReply
hee hee brilliant – i would never let sand anywhere near my garden though, are you mental?!Reply
I was probably drunk… 🙂 xReply
I think I need to start drinking gin. Mine's done the same slide and pool thing. Bonkers!Reply
ha 😉 *sends gin in post*Reply
We don't bother anymore – it is a wilderness – we sent them out with survival kits -sometimes they come back. Our sand pit is an Ibiza-style rave den for slugs xReply
pahahaha x I feel like you're giving me something to aspire to…. lol xxReply
I love this post, it had me grinning over my coffee is Costa. And I always suspected that Peppa Pig had *that* middle name!Reply
She does. It's silent but implied. #fact 🙂Reply
Hard core toddlerReply
That she be 😉Reply
Oh my goodness, i thank my friend Julie for bringing you into my life. You have practically written my life story ( thanks that one less thing to remember) xxxxReply
*does little bow and has a drink for Julie* lol xxxReply