Yep.
Halloween.
Halloween becomes something entirely different once you’re a parent… gone are days of getting shit-faced on random green liquids in hot pants, welcome to the days of never-ending social media feeds of identical pint-sized pumpkin-children, and panic setting in nationwide across local mummy-forums as news of supermarkets selling out of costumes filters out through the ranks… SHIT.
Yes. It’s yet another occasion that shows up my complete lack of craft skills, redundancy of energy and complete inability to NOT leave abso-f@*king-lutely everything to the last minute… (Although I am quite excellent at face paints… #winning)
So, for everyone joining me on the last-minute-Halloween-shitness-train (yes a thing), here is a run down of what we all know will really happen…
What you thought you’d do:
Spend weeks researching and sourcing a fabulous original costume, adding your own personal details and hat stabilisation, matching accessories, hair styling and expert face paint… Frankly Jim Henson will be knocking the shitting door down once that’s spotted on twitter.
What you did…
Went to Tescos that morning and fought off a seven year old with your teeth for the last remaining, slightly-wonky witches hat. Sent the toddler to nursery in last year’s tights, slightly sweaty, with a badly drawn spider painted between her eyes. #win
What you thought you’d do:
Transform your home into a Ghostly Grotto of Halloween Awesomeness, one which the snotty nursery mums would be left speechless by, recreating a scene from a cult, early-90’s horror movie with your amazing overnight crafty-skills and sheer awesomeness.
What you did…
Went on Pinterest. Felt shit about yourself. Bought a pumpkin and realised it’s actually quite hard. Gave up and bought a packet of ghost shapes Haribo. The end.
What you thought you’d do:
Lovingly prepare a feast of hand crafted ghastly goodies which you could take smug wanky photos of to put all over Instagram.
What you did…
Ordered Dominos. (The Halloween special)
What you thought you’d do:
Host a sensational spooky party that MTV would be lucky to televise, inviting friends and family from across the land to be entertained by your utter fabulousness.
What you did…
Watched Freddie Vs Jason in your pants. While the toddler foraged for spare pizza crusts and sofa raisins…
What you thought you’d do:
Pimp up your doorstep like a shitting pumpking-laden runway, ready to receive trick or treaters in epic illuminated style.
What you did…
Turned the lights out and pretended to be out. While eating secret Haribo in bed… Crying a bit…
Same time next year guys… Same time…#gin
Related
Haha but at least you're an awesome face painter. That scores big points!! Xx
ReplyAll bang on. Buster wanted to go to nursery as Batman (the one costume we don't have) so we taped a piece of black paper to his back for a cape. Mabel wore Buster's halloween t-shirt from last year (that someone else bought as they felt pity on Buster for not having a costume). I ate the kids sweets to 'save their teeth'. Oh and someone trick or treating looked at our pumpkin and said 'they're really hard to do, aren't they?'. Oh.
ReplyHa ha – face-panting is the most important skill, I reckon so you are winning anyway. Our effort was poor this year I'll be honest. Alice (3) insisted that she was a fairy and not a witch so she teamed her witch's dress with a wand and crown. Weird. 🙂
ReplyYour face painting is as good as your writing, i.e. both are amazeballs. x
ReplyWell that face painting is awesome and it trumps the lot!
ReplyI didn't even manage to buy a pumpkin this year!
"Pimp up your doorstep like a shitting pumpking-laden runway, ready to receive trick or treaters in style."
ReplyLMFAO!!
This is SO true. The plans are fabulous in the imagination stage but the end result – not so.
Love the post, like to start the day with a good belly laugh.
Nice face painting skillz. 😉
Hilarious, and so true! I managed to bag the last two manky pumpkins from Tesco about 4pm on Friday!! I only had a whole year to prepare..!
Replyha ha i am pretty much totally with you! Although i do love Halloween and its trick or treat crazy round us so we did stomp the streets and get treats in ourself. Oh i did a pumpkin too and bought some cobwebs from poundland – all very last minute though so i hope i can stay in your gang 😉 xx
ReplyI demand a last-minute-off! Do you buy birthday presents on the way to the party? Do you move house to the cachement area the week before you need to apply for the school? DO YOU? He he great post, and you really are an awesome face painter. No false modesty for you, eh ho ho ho! xxx
ReplyI’m ‘delicate’ today.
ReplyHusband going to Tesco for my witches hat.
Just ripped up some clothes to make toddler a ‘zombie’. I’m done.
You win Halloween. Fact. 🙂
Reply