A Guide to Life at 10-Months Old…


My advice for life at 10 months old,
Is to never back down or do as your told.
Make Mummy work for the love she receives,
It’s time she said goodbye to pooing alone and hot teas.

She needs to understand,
You simply CANNOT be contained.
F@*k the bumbo, stick your highchair up your arse,

Clothing only slows you down,
Repel those socks with force.
Duck, Roll and Cover when it’s time to be changed,
She’ll give up on the poppers. (of course)

Kitchen cupboards pose no threat,
You can speed-crawl the stairs in seconds flat.
You can use your stealth mode, like the shitting SAS,
To scare the living f@*k out of the cat.

Who needs toys when there’s a TV remote?
Why have rice-cakes when you can eat fluff?
Why use a spoon when your face is right there?
Fight to the DEATH each time you’re put in that foot-muff.

So this is my advice at 10 months in,
Be strict with your Mummy – not too much gin.
She may be hard work at times but she’s not a total loss,
Remember, cute is your greatest weapon. YOU are the boss.


*downs gin*



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