Now I’m on my 5th festive period as a parent… I’ve pretty much stopped thinking about myself at Christmas. My children are almost five and two, and since 1st December all I’ve done is rearrange all the baubles my toddler tries to feed to himself/my cats, eat my bodyweight in chocolate, and develop a tick every time I hear the word ‘Hatchimal’…
But despite the fact my husband thinks what I’d like is whatever he can panic buy via Amazon Prime two days before the big day, (thanks again for last year’s Slow Cooker that I’m secretly now very thankful for you bastard) I think I’m speaking for most Mummies when I say THIS is what I really want…:
- Gin (obviously)
- Cake (obviously)
- One of those Toblerones the size of a dog.
- For the aforementioned Toblerone to contain no calories. (Obviously) And for me to eat it in my own time, somewhere other than hiding behind the mystical door of the cupboard of shame…
- A designer handbag. Not to wear, that would be ridiculous. Just to look at… and occasionally sniff… or lick.
- See above and also apply to shoes.
- A self-cleaning, raisin-repelling house.
- (Please also apply the above to the children)
- (And the husband)
- Someone to magically restore my buggy to way it looked when I bought it. There is at least a 6-inch layer of rice-cake-debris and I’m terrified to put an ungloved hand too close to the bottom of the basket for fear of the strange sticky substance that hides in the back corner…
- Double Nectar Points for every time I manage not to say Shit, F@*k or Bollocks in front of my toddler.
- Just ONE bath without a plastic pink hippo eyeballing my vagina.
- A slice of toast ALL TO MY-BASTARD-SELF.
- Guilt free lie-ins. Actually scrap that – I’ll deal with the guilt… please just let me SLEEP… *cries a bit and eats another Jaffa Cake*
- Spray on toddler clothing. Buttons, poppers, zips and ALL SHOES have become my ultimate nemesis.
- Loo time… alone… with Candy Crush. Like a f@*king ninja.
- Ankles with a circumference smaller than my knees*. (*thighs)
- A legging free wardrobe… Which doesn’t freak me out because of the lack of leggings.
- To look good in something other than leggings*.
- *To look good in leggings.
- A NAP. Whenever I like. In my own giant footmuff-adorned-chariot. Pushed along by a tribe of pre-schoolers. Powered by fairies. Fuelled by gin. And made from the tears of a thousand toddlers.
- For fish fingers and chicken nuggets to contain vegetables. Secret vegetables. Which would mean they’d just f@*king eat it. And basically make me Mother of the Year. Definitely.
- For my toddler’s vocabulary to stretch past VERY ANGRY GRUNTING AND POINTING, mixed with ‘Cake’, ‘No’, ‘Twirlywoos’ and ‘Did it’. (Which incidentally is also his only sentence.) So that I can occasionally work out WHAT HE WANTS BEFORE HE IMPLODES.
- Peppa Pig. Shot. And her head brought to me on a Hello Kitty plate.
- A new vagina.
- (One that only accepts one way traffic…)
- To have somehow eaten and drunk ALLLLLL THE THINGS, yet still have lost weight by January.
- For 2017 to be the year that someone (*coughs and raises eyebrows in general husband direction) removes the decorations box from the landing and puts it back in the bastard loft before Easter. Please. Thanks.
- And some more gin.
#HappyWallyChristmas
#gin
#gingingin
#gin
#gingingin
I hope Santa brings you everything you have wished for! 🙂 (You always make me laugh) . This is brilliant x
Replyhaha 😉 I am totally expecting the LOT! lol x thank you for reading xx
ReplyMerry Christmas to you too! Think you've pretty much got all bases covered. Hope Santa is feeling kind 😉 x
Replylol 😉 I like to think so! xx thanks for the comment xx
ReplyI hope Santa is good to you 🙂 I particularly like your fantasy nap…! #PoCoLo
ReplyI particularly like it too… but I'd prefer the reality version! :/ hrmph x
ReplyHilarious post as usual – I quite fancy napping in a chariot too. POD was awake until 11.30pm this week!
ReplyWoah – what a little raver! lol 😉 *sends chariot in post* xxx
ReplyAll those other mummies who ask for peace, health and happiness? This is what they really want to put on their lists.
ReplyBy the way, do you know where to get new vaginas?
It's true… I think you just keep praying to the vagina fairy 🙂 x
ReplyPMSL…. Absolutely F@#king Loved this!!! This is exactly what Mummies really want. 🙂
ReplyI like to think so! lol xx
ReplyHehe! Please could I have some toast all of my own too please with my designer handbag?
ReplyI'm sure Santa can get this stuff sorted for us! :))) x
ReplyHilarious :):) hope santa brings u all on ur list :):) I will be adding a few of these to mine* #pocolo
ReplyThanks! If he can make magic reindeer fly… he can bring me some bloody Hendricks right! lol x
ReplyThanks for the laughs 🙂 Hilarious post!!
ReplyHope Santa is good to you.
Love Tracy xXx
Keeping my fingers crossed! Lol x thank you for reading xxx
ReplyI keep my fingers crossed for the Gin for you.
ReplyMe too :))) *crosses fingers, arms, legs and toes* x
ReplyKnow what you mean about the buttons – winter outdoor wear in general… why? Merry Christmas! #PoCoLo
ReplyI know…. *sighs* lol x thanks for the comment xxx
ReplyTHIS, this is brilliant! I am so with you on the pink Hippo deal – and the loo time to myself 🙂 Thank you so much for linking to PoCoLo – awesome post x
ReplyLol 😉 thanks! Glad you giggled xxx
ReplyI've asked for gin and cake I've everything crossed though I also want time to eat my cake by myself
ReplyNow you're just being unreasonable! lol 🙂 Thanks for the comment xxx
ReplyLmao!
Reply:))) x
ReplyThis is hilarious. And that sounds like the best nap EVER!
ReplyPMSL!!!
Reply"Just ONE bath without a plastic pink hippo eyeballing my vagina."
Be thankful it's still at the eyeballing stage. One of Damien's rubber ducks got sucked into mine – after three kiddies, it's become like the Bermuda Triangle. Things get lost. 🙁
ooh, a whole slice of toast does sound like a luxury, and I am adding spray on clothes so my child can't strip them all off (including his nappy) in the middle of the night!
ReplyGenius – once again! xx
Reply