By day she might be my WallyBubba, but by night… she has become a tiny, angry, turd-encrusted ninja.
It begins at dinnertime… I lovingly prepare her tea while she stands legs apart, head back, screaming at the ceiling whilst dragging her sippy cup across the the stair gate bars like some kind of prisoner on death row demanding their last meal.
Now the battle into the highchair. My husband stands behind me performing a frantic puppet show over my left shoulder as I attempt to collapse the amazing unbendable baby into a right angle. Apparently known by others as the seated position.
She grabs a fistful of food in each hand and inspects each one carefully, then begins glaring at me with her ‘What the f•@k do you mean I’m having cheese on toast again you unimaginative hussy’ eyes. Releasing a harrowing battle cry, she crushes each fistful into pulp (whilst maintaining eye contact of course), then simply lets the rubble fall from her grip onto the floor…
Then. Yoghurt. (now a banned substance in our house) She sucks me in by allowing me to spoon-feed her the first half a pot without so much as a peep… and then… once she’s satisfied I’ve relaxed… She grabs the spoon with one hand, the pot with the other and releases a spurt* of yoghurt with impressive trajectory across my face, one of the cats and the NinkyNonk.
*she had been ‘hamster-storing’ a good 4 or 5 mouthfuls in her cheeks for maximum effect.
We abandon dinner at this point and head for a nice ‘calm and relaxing’ bath. CALM AND RELAXING?! Are you shitting me? The first bath removes the molten turd from her ankle to neck area, the second bath is where my child uses the tub as a human skate-ramp whilst eating entire sponges and water boarding Peppa Pig.
Trust me when I say removing her from the bath is a minimum three person job. The least said about it the better… Cuddledry my tits.
The changing table has become completely obsolete. It’s pointless attempting a re-clothing in an area less than 3 metres square. Every item in reaching distance is used to distract her into her sleepsuit* and Grobag over a period of half an hour. (Breaks are taken at regular intervals to rest and/or cry.)
*Note to self: Write to all major baby clothing manufacturers to ask for address of person who decided to put poppers on sleepsuits. Once obtained; hunt down and set on fire.
Finally the bottle… the instant coma-inducing liquid sleep which gently soothes WallyBubba into a slumber within 3 minutes flat… until… she gets within one inch of the cot mattress then BANG! The never-sleeping ninja strikes again… How ridiculous of me to think that an entire day of non-stop physical and mental exhaustion would actually result in sleep?!?!
So I slope downstairs and watch the ‘show’ unfold on the monitor with the sound off, a glass of red in hand (and the rest of the bottle in the other) with In the Night Garden playing out… and do you know what… that little bastard Iggle Piggle still isn’t in bed…
#ifthispostdoesntmakeyoudrinkyouarearobot
#IsometimeswishIwasarobot
#aginrobot
#gin…
I am living this along with you. Now however I am watching it with tears of laughter! your way with words is quite amazing!! x
Replylol x good to know I'm not alone… 🙂 thanks xxx
ReplyWallybubba has got one thing right though – Peppa Pig TOTALLY deserves to be water boarded ;-)) xx
ReplyPahahaha 😉 x ur probably right lol xxx
ReplyYour blogs are just so funny! I read them all allowed to anyone who will listen. i honestly wish i could write like you! You should write a book!
ReplyThat's so sweet thank you! I will let u order the advance copy lol 😉 xxx
ReplyShe is a smart ninja baby! I fear the birth of my new chd in February!
ReplyLol 😉 just don't let them read this blog and pick up any tips… Tee hee xxx
ReplyThis is so funny. it gets better, I promise. been there, got the t shirt to prove it. only lasts night I said to oh, my son is driving me to drink, after thespectacular screaming, not crying, screaming fit he had. and this is the boy who can't just talk, he has to shout all the time, so trust me when I say he screamed! hey ho, good luck to you x
ReplyHa! No wonder you're reaching for the gin eh! The worse it gets, the more you can drink… #fact
ReplyI am so pleased that its not just us that go through this ritual every evening. Hilarious to read! Great post 😀
ReplyTee hee x thank you! Glad we can all laugh about it together… Ha! Xxx
ReplyMy wee man kept me entertained for many a night. He was quite good though at closing his eyes and appearing to be asleep and just when I breathe and sit on the sofa…that is when my BANG happened. Then he was suddenly so good sleeping through waking up late duping me into a false sense of security. Now we are back to fighting sleep, sometimes a 3 or 4 am wakeup call and any sleeping after 6 is not allowed as he shouts "Up!" while wriggling all over me. It just NEVER ends.
ReplyThank god mine doesn't speak yet… Might keep her mute. Yes that'll work. Thanks for the inspiration… Lol x hope u get some sleep! Xxx
ReplyPmsl amazing post….sadly so true. I laughed (spat out my wine).
ReplyLol! Don't waste wine though… 🙂 ha! Xxx
ReplyOh god… What's that guna be like with twins?! *panics* xx
ReplyLol 🙂 I think you'll prob be need a lot if gin and I expect you'll receive a medal at the end with a year long holiday :))) xxx
ReplyFirst time reader and commenter via Mumsnet – loving your blog! I have two boys, 2 and 5, and they *currently* (bit scared to say it) both sleep well most nights. That is until about 5 a.m. when I am awoken (hands in face, little button nose to mine) to a call of "can we watch a movie Mummeeeee? You can go back to bed once you've put it on". Is five too young to learn to work a DVR I wonder?
Replylol x thanks for heading over! hope you touched some wood while you wrote that tee hee 😉 xxx I'll be teaching mine to work the DVD player, use the washing machine and rustle up a 3 course meal when she's 3… #FACT. lol xxx
Replyfabulous post! just when you thought nothing was harder than trying to bath and feed a newborn, bathing an alomost-toddler came along and tipped the world upside down again : s
Replylol x I'll drink to that! Amen. xx
ReplyAnd wally mumma is a downright rotten liar! Look at the way that beautiful wally bubba is peacefully sleeping….I just don't believe you. Joking! Of course i believe you, we all know what horrible little monsters our children can be – enjoy the gin and bottoms up!
ReplyLOL – I should have captioned the picture… 'a post-calpoling nap on the sofa…' tee hee x bottoms up to you too! xxx
ReplyPure genius! Yet again. I have no words. Except when are you coming to visit? I'd love to see what you make of my lot 😉
Replylol x I will come if there's wine? xxx
ReplySo funny, brought it all back to me. Do you know what maybe one day you will look back and laugh !!
ReplyHard to think but it does get better, only a few more years to survive before then though x
lol – couldn't you have lied to me and said it all ends at the first birthday! ha 😉 feel like this is karma for being a horrific teenager or something LMAO xxx
ReplyI call the hours between 5 and 7 the witching hour. Something happens to children, something unpleasant!! Very cute photo though 🙂 x
Replylol – I think my witching hour lasts around 24 hours a day most days… lol x thanks :))) x
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