It’s well known that the UK only gets 7.4* days of actual proper tan-inducing-sun-blasting weather per year. And that these days will only happen when it’s not forecast and your iPhone weather app (yes, the one you’ve checked 46 times an hour since April started) says it’s raining.
Sooooooooo since we’ve already had two days of sun so far this summer, this means there’s not many left and currently I am a huge, wobbly, white mummy-whale-beast running out of tan time…
Never fear though new mums and avid blog followers; I have found a number of ways to maximise my chances of getting a tan without a) frazzling my baby or b) subjecting the public to me in a thong. Phew.
Please see these methods shown in the diagrams below, taking particular note of their lifelike nature and attention to detail:
| The Buggy Zombie |
| The Shade Follower |
| The Cafe Flasher |
| The Sideways Sunwalk |
| The Backdoor Basker |
| The Back-Bathing Baby Protector |
| The Unsociable Sun-soak |
| The ‘It’s Your F-ing Turn Because It’s The F-ing Weekend and I Need An Hour Off and Some Silence’ Husband Handover |
| The Social Services Sizzler |
#SunforMums
#Ginforeveryone
#especiallyMums
*totally random made-up stuff I put in for increased comedic value
I am a definite ‘Backdoor basker’ . I’m in the garden enough to appease my toddler, I can pretend I’m watching her balance bike stunts (falling offs) behind my sunnies, yet also within arms length of the baby who can commando crawl around the lounge – without said girl hitting him with her Ukulele. I can also drink Gin (Mummy’s special water) and get away with it – as it counts as Al Fresco. Just perfect (perfect? who am I trying to kid?) It’s the best I could do.
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