Firstly. Break Daddy. (This won’t take very long.) Ensure he knows who’s boss; you will be having chocolate animal biscuits for lunch, you now move everywhere via the medium of interpretive dance, and poos shall not be attended to until YOU say so.
Mummy will be harder to break. But on the actual day of your party she’ll be weaker than usual. Her power will be limited due to copious amounts of wine and sandwich making, so pick your moments wisely… The commence operation ‘cake-cat‘. (Which is exactly how it sounds.)
Once you’ve established balloon ownership. NEVER let go. Sleep with that mother if necessary.
Now you’ve learnt how to turn up the volume on the docking station, let’s crank this bitch up. Everyone knows it’s not a party until the babies’ ears start bleeding.
You no longer move out of the way for furniture.
You only communicate via ‘shout’ now.
Bubbles are the new crack.
Find the weakest looking adult in the room and make them your cake bitch for the day. No-one says no to a two year old on their birthday if they like their skin where it is.
Save cake for later by hiding it in your hair. And in Mrs Potato Head’s left ear hole.
When the party entertainer arrives, look confused then attempt to burrow free using your finger nails… this will hurt so cry. A LOT.
Use the power the cake gives you to form a 3-and-under splinter-alliance to overthrow the party entertainer and claim those shaky eggs as your own… No-one f@*ks with the ‘Cake Crusaders’.
No matter what you are instructed to do by the party entertainer, all you hear is ‘DANCE’.
Whilst eating chocolate, jam or any other sticky, stain-inducing food, be sure to rub yourself on the sofa and use your party dress as napkin-come-food-hammock.
When Mummy’s not looking, break the catflap and begin eating parts of it.
If there’s too much selloptape on a gift, have a tantrum until your throw up. That’ll teach them. And don’t forget to look unimpressed by all gifts that aren’t just more cake.
Kick people. Just because you can. It’s your birthday.
Insist on sleeping with your new light-spinny toy. If Mummy or Daddy tries to stop you, use your sparkly hair slides to f@*king cut them.
Turning Terribly Two: A Toddler's Guide to 2nd Birthday Parties…
#Cake-up-the-Potato-Heads
#HappyBirthdayWallyBubba
#Mummysbackonthegin
#gin
About The Author
Wally Mummy
Potty-mouthed blogger, gin enthusiast and owner of the WallyBubba and the WallyBoy. Says f@*k and vagina a lot. Really knackered.
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Awe she looks adorable. A big Happy Birthday. Bubbles ARE crack 🙂
Replyhaha 😉 I knew it… x Thanks! She had an awesome day and we had a pretty good time too! *hiccup* x
ReplyHa! This made me simultaneously laugh and want to curl up in the corner and drink wine from the bottle with a straw 😉 xx
ReplyIt's funny… because that's exactly how I ended up by the end… lol 🙂 thanks for the comment xxx
ReplyAww she is gorgeous!!! Sounds like a great (albeit somewhat traumatic) day! 🙂 x
Replyha 😉 It's always stressful but always worth it I reckon! lol x
ReplyHappy birthday WallyBubba! You can never have too much cake!
ReplyIt's true 😉 NEVER x #cakecakecake x
ReplyGorgeous photos of WallyBubba 🙂 Happy Birthday! Great guide – bubbles rule and you can definitely never have too much cake (or wine!) xx #MagicMoments
ReplyI can fully conclude that there is absolutely no such thing as too much wine. EVER 😉 thanks for reading and commenting! Xx
ReplyBrilliant! You clearly see into the mind of a two year old!
Replylol 😉 it's scary isn't it… like I can channel her… *shudders* ha! xx
ReplyNearly snorted toffee down the wrong pipe! Just brilliant, I love the breaking Daddy, never takes long does it! Great post – hilarious as per. Wally Bubba is looking seriously adorable though – she needs to work on her image! Hope you all had a wonderful day xxx
ReplyFor toffee – there is no wrong pipe… #justsayin 🙂 x thanks for the comment! xx
ReplyThis sounds like such a super time .. although not sure about the cake deposits! lol
thanks for linking up with #MagicMoments (its lovely to see you linked up)
ReplyHa 😉 She's cake obsessed! lol x No worries :))) x
ReplyOoooh nooooo! Is that the Peppa Pig "wheeeee!" spinny game?? You will never be allowed to give that to charity. My 9 year old still won't let me!
Replyit's not. But thanks for the fair warning :)) i shall now ban that one! lol x
ReplyGenius as always! Sitting here snorting laughing (yes it is as attractive as it sounds!) x
Replyha! I'm sure it sound bootiful :))) x thanks for the comment xxx
ReplyOh she sounds GREAT. Love the way you write. That noisy lighty thing, we got one in orange, at Halloween from Sainsbuys. Aaron can't get enough of it.
ReplyWait till you hit the 3s – wow they are a complete eye opener and I thought the 2s was.
Liska xx
Cheers lovely 😉 cannot WAIT until 3…. *sobs a bit* 🙁
Reply