It may have escaped your attention that I’ve been rather quiet over the past week or so… which is mainly down to being in toddler hell, I mean on toddler holiday, in Spain with the entire Wally contingent… and also down to the lack of gin. AKA – my personality.
I am no stranger to the perils of the toddler holiday *shudders in memory of the turdy plane toddler and other ice cream related tales of anger…* , but this one is being carried out with a rather inconvenient uterus tenant and with WallyBubba almost an entire year older. And wiser. And faster. And shittier.
So. Here’s my tips to get through without the gin. Let us start from the beginning…
Firstly. Forget everything you ever thought you knew about toddler holidays. Without the gin numbing this shit is about to get serious. Last year’s ‘hat gate’ has absolutely nothing on the moment in the check-in queue that your toddler realises they can outrun you… *begins twitching* …be afraid… be very afraid… (and bring donuts)
Thank the living [email protected]*k lords for airport soft play. Your first opportunity to sit down in a month. With a pasty.
Look as pregnant as possible while looking for a seat/table/place to perch whilst waiting for the plane… Then get paranoid as you board and suck that uterus back in until you are verging on concave.
During the flight convince yourself that everyone is enjoying your child’s 47-verse rendition of ‘wheels on the bus’ by not making eye contact with ANYONE. This is a good time for the remainder of those donuts. And Pringles. And sniffing the person in front of you’s gin. Which is definitely not creepy or weird at all.
Thank you Jesus of Pregnancy (actual person) for sending us mere mortals the gift of the Trunki. The saviour of toddler owners internationally at baggage carousels across the world. We bow to you. And later will make a little shrine with some leg hair and saliva and a pack of Peppa Pig stickers in your honour. That is all.
Your attempts to look floaty and serene once you’ve arrived at your Spanish end-location will only ever come off as sweaty in too much fabric in need of chips and dry shampoo.
You know that one storybook you couldn’t be arsed to pack because they never want to read it anyway and it weighs more than the actual sun…? Yeah. You idiot.
That moment when the toddler finally gives up the epic 20-hour fight against sleep and climbs into their buggy to pass out… Also known as the ‘get in’ hour (fist pump/high five optional). Aaaaaannndddddd relax. At this point consider another ‘gin sniffing’.
Mildly inappropriate alcohol consumption doesn’t actually count on holiday… You said two glasses of wine a week. And you’ve stuck to that. By replacing the word ‘week’ with ‘dinner and/or lunch’. (Or breakfast.)
Shit. Those swimming lessons have not only reversed your 2-year old’s fear of water. They’ve turned her into a kamikaze water ninja. Ready to do battle with a partly chewed swim-nappy at any time…
All routine and bed time has gone out of the window. They live only for eating, sun and naked rock pool action.
Yeah. And it can escape its cot now. [email protected]*kballs.
If you attempt to sit down and read a ‘mag-a-zine’ at any point, it’s like a red rag to a tiny greased-up crazy-haired bull… They will commence operation pool-side-poo-party and they will defend their area to the death with their zoodle.
You can choose shoes or hats. You will never get both on them at the same time. This is Spain. Not [email protected]*king Oz.
Spanish potty training has been going AWESOME (please apply appropriate level of sarcasm here) – our swimming pool is about 11% toddler urine and there are about three restaurants we’ve permanently left a mark on… Still. Due to the effect of damp Lycra on my ever increasing preggo-ness, I don’t swim now. And it’s not my bath water so [email protected]*k it. #backtonappies
Also – increasing waistline is absolutely ALL down to preggo-ness and absolutely not in any way connected to early morning donut consumption. Ot midnight churros sessions.
How can one child eat that much melon…? And produce that much shit. I don’t know whether to be concerned or impressed…
Note to self. Hunt down the person who invented toddler dungarees and have them stabbed to death in the face with blunt toddler cutlery. Same applies for whoever put buttons on the back of this dress.
It’s lucky I’m already knocked up because today the toddler hurricane hit critical mass out at lunch, and mine and the nearest three tables’ ovaries actually sterilised themselves. #truestory
And finally. None of us will ever speak again of the ‘Nemo Incident’. Despite repeated attempts to rescue Nemo, there are only so many times that actual human lives can be risked to salvage a 2-euro plastic orange fish from a cliff face. And in our own ways we’ve all said goodbye and come to terms with the loss. Mostly with donuts.
Hahaaa sounds like a fantastic holiday. The melon only diet equalling a whole load of poo has really perplexed me this week in our house!Reply
It's fair to say she's had a good clear out! lol xxReply
Oh gosh I'm laughing so much!!! Fabulous post xReply
Heehee xxx thank you 😉Reply
Random Person: "Have a nice holiday?"Reply
You:*Punch to the face*
Pretty much… *grins* :))Reply
Another amazing post! looking forward ro my #toddlerholiday even more now! lol xReply
heehee 😉 thanks! xxReply
This sounds like hell. HELL!! I am never going on holiday with toddlers xReply
Lol! X I'm not really sure why I keep doing it to myself tbh… 🙂 xxReply
Ha ha love the #truestory. 'The Sterilising Flash of Light'Reply
Oh yes 😉 lol!Reply
Ps we one week through our 2 week holiday to cornwall and its worse than an endurance race. Wet weather and went swimming today – just the shit Dumpling did in there today would constitute more than 11%Reply
Pahahahaha! Nice work dumpling… Learnt from the best no doubt 😉Reply
This is the funniest thing I have read in Ages!Reply
Haha x cheers lovely :))) xReply
I have yet to fly with babies. You are my hero! Such a funny post-I hope you got to squeeze in some relax time!Reply
Oh yeah 😉 there has been the odd cheeky sunbed nap now the husband has arrived :))) xReply
Oh having fun then lol 😉 xReply
Heehee x I'd sell a kidney for a large G&T frankly 😉 xxReply
Once again another brilliant post! Can't wait till you have two (they may act like they hate each other but they plot) xReply
I'm not sure I like the idea of them outnumbering me… Lol xx should mean plenty of blog fodder tho! XxReply
Toddler dungarees are the actual design from the devil they are horrific! Glad you're having fun. Have some rest (laughs as there is no rest with a toddler) hurry back soon xxxReply
haha x might stay here… it's so relaxing and all… *cries into alcohol free sangria*Reply
Oh gosh this brings back so many, um lovely, memories for me 🙂 Gad you are having such a fab time. R.I.P NemoxReply
Heehee x RIP indeed… (I bought another one/ he had a miraculous recovery…) lol xxReply
So lovely to catch up with your news and congratulations! I think you should be on a permanent holiday purely for the purposes of our entertainment! XReply
I very much like that idea :)))) xx ha! Thanks lovely xxxReply
A whole year late, but I bloody love this. All still stands true. Worse that the inventor of the toddler dungarees – is the childless person who bought them for you. Bring out the blunt cutlery.