Things have been changing around here…
WallyBubba is… evolving…
The constant, chaotic toddler din seems to have been replaced with some worrying silences and some lingering stares from her that could make grown men shit themselves…
And then… actual words… It’s bizarre. I can actually have conversations with her, and that silent stare as I speak is my little person taking in and understanding every word I say… EVERY word. Oh yes. It’s happening. I swear every time I say [email protected]*k and pour a myself a pint of Bombay Sapphire she tuts, smiles and rolls her eyes…
Every morning I am met with a ‘Hi, Ma-Ma.’ And her then passing me her readily removed nappy and a handful of fresh baby nuggets.
Once I’ve actually said the word ‘breakfast‘ out loud I had better get her morning meal on her highchair tray in 30 seconds flat else she starts high-fiving the television and eyeing up her miniature pink piano… trust me, no-one can take WallyBubba’s keyboard skills before 9am in the morning… I would pick being burnt alive over death by that shitting yamaha samba-riff any day.
Once the banana arrives, to shouts of ‘Narna, Narna, Narna’, it is engulfed, whole, sideways, with the skin still on in places. Following which demands of ‘Tssst, Tssst’ flood the dining room, which to those of you who don’t speak fluent WallyBubba, means ‘get my toast now mother, and ensure it’s nutella-ed up else I’ll have you covered in honey and fed to the wasps.’
Every request is followed with an ‘Eeeeeeze’ and her raising her hand to her mouth to sign please. I’m pretty proud of this one. I call it the big guns and pull it out in front of the mother-in-law, restaurant staff and most importantly any twattish tiger mums at playgroups. What’s that? Little sophia speaks fluent Japanese at 11 months old? Well, my toddler punches foxes and says thank you afterwards so [email protected]*k you.
She’s so direct with her orders: Up, Down, Drink, Finished, Release the Hounds… She fetches the Sky remote and bombards me with a chorus of ‘Lola, Lola, Lola’, tells herself off when she drops something with an ‘Oh no’, asks for Omelettes, screams for chips, wails for raisins, sits in the hall saying ‘shoos, shoooos, SHOOOOOS’ with a Clark’s flashy in each hand… I say dancing and she pulls out some impressively well-timed Macarena moves, ends on a fist-pump and gives herself a round of applause when the music stops…
I can’t keep up with it. She might be almost 18 months old, but it’s as if I’m living with a four year old some days… And I’m painfully aware that if I don’t want her first full sentence to be ‘Thank [email protected]*k it’s gin o’clock, don’t worry about the glass I’ll take the bottle…’ It’s time I reigned in the F-bombs and moved onto soft drinks. Like wine and beer.
Gin and tonic looks identical to tonic on its own, so you could just resort to your "glass of Mummy's tonic" without anyone knowing the difference! (as long as they dont actually see you pouring the gin!)Reply
Be aware, by the time they are 15 they are able to drink you under the table with consummate ease, make the most of the next 13 years.
hahaha! sounds advice indeed 😉 might have revert back to ginning up the sippy cups while she still has one.. 🙂 lol xReply
DO NOT WASTE YOUR GIN ON HER. YOUR NEEDS ARE GREATER. LET HER BUY HER OWN!!!!!Reply
I've been keeping my tongue during the daylight hours for so long now that I sometimes forget I'm actually allowed to let it out after the watershed. It's actually more embarrassing to say "flipping goodness gracious" when in the company of a bunch of navvies than it is to say *!%$%&^*& in the company of small children….Reply
ha! well that is a very good point… lol! xxReply
I swear like a navvy at work and in my head – and in the car on my own. But I have a remarkable ability not to swear at home. It's worth practicing before it's too late!Reply
I shall start my anti-potty-mouth training immediately 😉 save it for my road rage and my dreams… lol xxReply
I'm a new blogger learning some blog etiquette – have learnt that seeing as your posts always make me snort with laughter I should bloomin' well tell you about it in a comment! So thank you 🙂Reply
Haha 😉 well thanks! Yes, commenting is defo a good way to spread the blog love! Xx thanks for stopping by :))) xxReply
I am howling! baby sharky is 13months and the day she actually says proper words is a day that im frightened of! Must reign in the swearing…Reply
Lol 😉 it is pretty terrifying! Where did my baby go! 🙁 haha xReply
I was totally debating writing a post on my daughters newest gem.. "Shut up you stupid bastard" But didn't think it would go down too well.
Deffo time to start curbing the language! Bollocks.Reply
Oh no! Lol xxx bollox indeed 😉 teeheeReply