The Toy Minefield…

A guest post for Toy News I thought you guys might like to have a peek at… 😉

As a first time mum, toys are a daunting prospect.

Whilst contending with a tiny, shrieking, nipple-destroying turd-ninja your attention isn’t really on stacking cups and crocodile xylophones… you’re more focused on managing mascara on both eyes and finding a pair of leggings that aren’t too ‘crispy’ to wear that day…

Toy-shops are terrifying places for new mums… a plethora of moo-ing, gyrating, motion-sensing anti-matter where small children will literally tear out their own kidneys to get their hands on a Peppa Pig scooter… I need a massage and a litre of gin just to recover…

No toys should ever be allowed to come in white. EVER. Or should come with a warning that advises giving anything neutral-coloured to a toddler is very bad for your health. And alcohol consumption levels. And will most likely result in tears (yours – obviously), anger, and violence (theirs – of course)… along with making them even more determined to colour in your sofa with lasagne.

Boy/Girl toys also seem to mean nothing to a toddler… my daughter uses her doll buggy to play ‘chicken’ with my cats and won’t go to sleep without a yellow plastic dump-truck and a calculator…

I haven’t a clue if she has too much, too little, would be happier playing with her own faeces… I mean, there is always a mum that turns up to play group with their one year old driving a motorised, miniature pink Mini, carrying a talking handbag reaching for a rice cake from their personalised musical cookie jar… and always another whose child is wearing their trousers as a hat, chewing on their nappy, clutching a partly-digested receipt… *whispers* ok, the second example is my child – shhhh…

In the vague attempt to not allow my lounge to metamorphosize into the ENTIRE pre-schooler section of the Argos catalogue, I now divide all toys into four boxes:

Wooden (Makes us feel middle class and come out when we have visitors. We also use our posh indoor voices.)
Never. (AKA Musical)

As long as there’s enough in rotation my sofa stays relatively lasagne-free on an average day…

So what am I saying? Well – not much due to the baby-brain/toddler-delirium and all the gin… but I think if she’s having fun and I can still hide in my bathroom with Tanqueray and a Toblerone while she destroys my living room, that’ll do for now.



  1. Paul Wandason June 6, 2013
    • Wally Mummy June 6, 2013
  2. WeezaFish June 7, 2013
    • Wally Mummy June 7, 2013

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