1. Pregnancy
You feel like shit and your legs are the same width from your ankle right up to your thigh… but you are full of boundless optimism… You think cuddles and tiny baby-grows are the epitome of parenthood, and actually believe it when people tell you labour is a ‘constructive‘ pain. Later on, you will call these people c*nts. And stab them.
2. Birth
Now you know… yes. You are in the knowing club. The one where all the members have broken vaginas which have RELEASED HUMANS*. And no. IT WASN’T A F*@KING CONSTRUCTIVE PAIN.
*And a slight tendency to wee when excited. Or not concentrating. Or sitting.
3. Newborn-hood
Your tits are on FIRE and every day is terrifying, it’s just that you’re too shitting exhausted to remember by morning… Also what is ‘mor-ning’…? That would imply the day had ended at some point…? Also – your house looks like shit, you’ve been wearing a dressing gown for a week and you smell a bit. And welcome to the world of perma-puke-shoulder. And faeces. In your mouth.
4. Baby-hood
You made it through the first three months. You consider four hours a ‘good’ night’s sleep. You’ve stopped imagining you’re going to drop/harm/break your baby every time you move/feed/leave the house. You’ve actually had a haircut… you’re managing mascara at least once a week… you’ve upgraded your dressing gown to slightly crusty leggings… and you’re not quite as angry… probably something to do with rediscovering your love of AL-CO-HOL. And life by Jumperoo…
5. Weaning and Other Tortures
Weaning a baby is a bit like pulling your own eyelashes out with a soldering iron. Except you actually run out of eyelashes after a while… You will permanently smell of broccoli, you will always have something smeared across your face/hair, you won’t be able to smell rice-cakes without gagging and your cats will leave home after taking a ‘protest shit’ in your kitchen….
And to add insult to injury; your boobs are now being rejected, perhaps in part because they look like a couple of wonky tennis balls in socks… so enjoy that.
6. F@*k. It’s Moving.
Forget everything you thought you knew about your home… you have inadvertantly been creating a DEATH-TRAP for the past 30 odd years… Coffee Table = DEATH by corner to the face. Lamp = DEATH by red hot burning of the face. Books = DEATH by paper cuts. To the face. (you get the point…) And remember when you actually left the house and stuff? Well. You won’t be doing that any more. You’ll be crying behind the stair-gate with a toblerone like the rest of us…
7. Now it Speaks… And Life is Over…
Bring wine. Take up Tanqueray. Give into CBeebies… #thatisall
See you on the Dark Side…
I know that the 8th and final stage is Potty Training but I’m ignoring that. And drinking some gin instead. Probably best…
#HouseOfDeath
#SevenShadesofShit
#GinforMums
#SevenShadesofShit
#GinforMums
I'm currently in stage 3 AND stage 6.
ReplySend toblerones and gin STAT.
*rings Fedex* en route m'dear… lol xxx
ReplyHave survived all stages! You were wise to stop at potty training. And you are totally right about the talking thing…to think I once thought things got easier! Made me laugh though…and I still think the jumperoo stage is so cute!
ReplyI'd love to go back to Jumperoo stage… it was defo the easiest upon selection! Only bit I haven't blocked out TBH… lol x
Replylol lol this is so so funny .. the magic is one day they move out and leave home! lol
thanks for linking up with #MagicmMoments x
ReplySo that happens at like 3…? Or 4 maybe…? LIE to me it's FINE :))) lol x No worries, fab linky xxx
ReplyLove this post! I put off training for a year and did it at 3 instead of 2. It only took 1.5 weeks and then I felt silly I had put it off so long. It'll be a weight off your shoulders when you do it xx
Replyphew – glad to here something positive about the dreaded PT 🙂 I think I'll juts wait til summer when there's fewer layers to ruin! lol xxx
Replygreat post – so very true. Good luck with the potty training when you start that. We're trying to master stand up wee's at the moment #whatsthestory
ReplyThanks 😉 x I'm guessing you have a son… stand up wees don't seem quite so useful for little girls… LOL x although…. 😉
ReplyNearly choked on one of Poppy's peas reading this, said she prefers them frozen! Absolutely hilarious, all of it. You had me in stitches at pregnancy. Brilliant post. Thank you for sharing #whatsthestory
Replyteehee 🙂 Always a pleasure to link up! I'll spot you a gin at britmums for being so goddamn complementary about my little blog x #mwah xxx
ReplyGood luck with stage 8! You've survived this far. Then there's school and the tween years and teen years…
ReplyShhhhhh *sticks fingers in ears and sings lalala* I like my happy place where these things don't happen next thanks 🙂 lol xx
ReplyLOL what a very honest post! Very true! I now have a fully blown number 7 about to embark on number 8 (for a second time!) in the not too distant future. I wish you luck – see you on the other side!
Reply*HIgh fives* I'll make yours a double then 😉 x I'm beginning to think there is no other side you know… lol xx
Replyha! You think it finishes at 8! It never ends….I will wait patiently for part two of this series!
ReplyHa 😉 I suppose it was more wishful thinking… *cries* xxx
ReplyBrilliant post. Thank you for making me smile and laugh, lots. Love them bundles, but don't they drive us nuts.
ReplyIts a good job you stopped, the stages go on and on and on and on. Sorry!
x
They do indeed… *deep sigh* x cheers for the comment lovely ;P xxx
Replyhilarious!!! and so true…
Replyteehee 😉 cheers! xxx
ReplyHahaha, you made me laugh… a lot! Fun post! Mel #MagicMoments
ReplyGlad to have given you a good giggle 😉 Thanks for popping over xxx
ReplyI, for one, cannot wait for potty training posts 😉
Reply*sharp intake of breath* …I can… lol xxx
ReplyHahahaha this is absolutely brilliant, and all of it so so so so true! x
ReplyHahaha – thanks missus 😛 lol xxx
ReplyHa ha ha ha ha….!
That is literally all I have to say! x
ReplyLol x cheers lovely! Xxx
ReplyHahahaaaa I always got told about a "positive pain" …I think I was more confused about that afterwards than I was about my crash section!
ReplyEek! It's clearly some myth designed to make u feel better… Which u don't… U just feel even angrier! Lol x
ReplyFab and so true…………… you wait until you get to school age though hun – it's even better!!!! The only advice I can give is NEVER let your child sit next to the child that is scratching their hair or bum!!!!! #magicmoments #whatsthestory
ReplyOoh yum 🙂 sound advice indeed! lol x
ReplySuch a true account of the 1st 7 steps, I dont' know which steps I'm on now as I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old but I have to admit, I'm enoying it now than I ever did when they were little xx
Replyhaha x glad to hear there is light at the end of the toddler tunnel… lol xx
ReplyOH I literally cannot wait till you start potty training! Start today! It's easy, honest!! 😉
ReplySomething tells me you are not being entirely truthful with me… *scowls a bit* x 🙂 #funee
ReplyI'm sat here nodding to all of the seven points… wonderful!
Reply:))) thank you xxx
ReplyHahaha oh god, these posts just really make me somewhat scared for the impending future!! We are at the "Weaning and other Tortures" stage now…so far not too bad!
ReplyDownhill from there really… 😉 lol x
ReplyHilarious and so familiar! I've made my way through all stages twice and have now returned for a third time. Weaning is WAY easier third time round though, poor kid basically has to forage for himself! #funee
ReplyForaging – I like that 😉 *makes mental note for next child* lol xx
Replypopping over again from #funee This had me giggling into my Pinot just now – was better second time around. Fab
Replyhaha! welcome again! makes me happy to make u happy 😉 xx
ReplyI don't want to alarm you, but by far the worse is stage 8! x
Reply* goes to happy place and rocks back and forth with some gin* lol xx
Replyyour posts always make me laugh soooo much. My son often sits up late to read the wot so funees with me – but quite glad he's not around for this one! xxx
Replyteehee x yes, mummies and daddies only for my posts! lol xxx thanks for reading 🙂 x
ReplyBrilliant as ever! I have survived them all(even potty training with number 1) and now coming upto stage 7 with number 2 eeeek x
Replyeeeeek indeed! I'm glad someone has made it through stage 8! I have some hope… sort of… xxx lol!
ReplyHaha great post! I have a few in those stages! The twins never stop talking, sometimes I'm not sure what i agree to with the mindless nodding lol.
ReplyJust keep saying yes… And block everything else out with alcohol 😉 sorted! Lol xx
ReplyBrilliant!!! Thank you for this!
ReplyPahahaha 😉 you are welcome xxx
ReplyHahaha! Brilliant. Wait for the tween and teen years – it gets better.
ReplyI see a theme developing here… lol x Does it EVER get any easier… *puts head in hands* xx
ReplyLove it – so that's what I have to look forward to 🙂
ReplyYes. Let's say yes… look 'forward to'. Yes. *runs away* lol x
ReplyJust snorted reading this again – the first one always gets me! Hilarious 🙂
Reply*sniggers* oh it's a cheap laugh but a good one :))) lol xx
ReplyAhhh come on,you could have had a field day with potty training… tut tut x
ReplyHa… I'll prob just give up… go back to rocking the corner… :/ lol x
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