You feel like shit and your legs are the same width from your ankle right up to your thigh… but you are full of boundless optimism… You think cuddles and tiny baby-grows are the epitome of parenthood, and actually believe it when people tell you labour is a ‘constructive‘ pain. Later on, you will call these people c*nts. And stab them.
Now you know… yes. You are in the knowing club. The one where all the members have broken vaginas which have RELEASED HUMANS*. And no. IT WASN’T A F*@KING CONSTRUCTIVE PAIN.
*And a slight tendency to wee when excited. Or not concentrating. Or sitting.
Your tits are on FIRE and every day is terrifying, it’s just that you’re too shitting exhausted to remember by morning… Also what is ‘mor-ning’…? That would imply the day had ended at some point…? Also – your house looks like shit, you’ve been wearing a dressing gown for a week and you smell a bit. And welcome to the world of perma-puke-shoulder. And faeces. In your mouth.
You made it through the first three months. You consider four hours a ‘good’ night’s sleep. You’ve stopped imagining you’re going to drop/harm/break your baby every time you move/feed/leave the house. You’ve actually had a haircut… you’re managing mascara at least once a week… you’ve upgraded your dressing gown to slightly crusty leggings… and you’re not quite as angry… probably something to do with rediscovering your love of AL-CO-HOL. And life by Jumperoo…
5. Weaning and Other Tortures
Weaning a baby is a bit like pulling your own eyelashes out with a soldering iron. Except you actually run out of eyelashes after a while… You will permanently smell of broccoli, you will always have something smeared across your face/hair, you won’t be able to smell rice-cakes without gagging and your cats will leave home after taking a ‘protest shit’ in your kitchen….
And to add insult to injury; your boobs are now being rejected, perhaps in part because they look like a couple of wonky tennis balls in socks… so enjoy that.
6. [email protected]*k. It’s Moving.
Forget everything you thought you knew about your home… you have inadvertantly been creating a DEATH-TRAP for the past 30 odd years… Coffee Table = DEATH by corner to the face. Lamp = DEATH by red hot burning of the face. Books = DEATH by paper cuts. To the face. (you get the point…) And remember when you actually left the house and stuff? Well. You won’t be doing that any more. You’ll be crying behind the stair-gate with a toblerone like the rest of us…
7. Now it Speaks… And Life is Over…
Bring wine. Take up Tanqueray. Give into CBeebies… #thatisall
See you on the Dark Side…
I know that the 8th and final stage is Potty Training but I’m ignoring that. And drinking some gin instead. Probably best…
I'm currently in stage 3 AND stage 6.Reply
Send toblerones and gin STAT.
*rings Fedex* en route m'dear… lol xxxReply
Have survived all stages! You were wise to stop at potty training. And you are totally right about the talking thing…to think I once thought things got easier! Made me laugh though…and I still think the jumperoo stage is so cute!Reply
I'd love to go back to Jumperoo stage… it was defo the easiest upon selection! Only bit I haven't blocked out TBH… lol xReply
lol lol this is so so funny .. the magic is one day they move out and leave home! lol
thanks for linking up with #MagicmMoments xReply
So that happens at like 3…? Or 4 maybe…? LIE to me it's FINE :))) lol x No worries, fab linky xxxReply
Love this post! I put off training for a year and did it at 3 instead of 2. It only took 1.5 weeks and then I felt silly I had put it off so long. It'll be a weight off your shoulders when you do it xxReply
phew – glad to here something positive about the dreaded PT 🙂 I think I'll juts wait til summer when there's fewer layers to ruin! lol xxxReply
great post – so very true. Good luck with the potty training when you start that. We're trying to master stand up wee's at the moment #whatsthestoryReply
Thanks 😉 x I'm guessing you have a son… stand up wees don't seem quite so useful for little girls… LOL x although…. 😉Reply
Nearly choked on one of Poppy's peas reading this, said she prefers them frozen! Absolutely hilarious, all of it. You had me in stitches at pregnancy. Brilliant post. Thank you for sharing #whatsthestoryReply
teehee 🙂 Always a pleasure to link up! I'll spot you a gin at britmums for being so goddamn complementary about my little blog x #mwah xxxReply
Good luck with stage 8! You've survived this far. Then there's school and the tween years and teen years…Reply
Shhhhhh *sticks fingers in ears and sings lalala* I like my happy place where these things don't happen next thanks 🙂 lol xxReply
LOL what a very honest post! Very true! I now have a fully blown number 7 about to embark on number 8 (for a second time!) in the not too distant future. I wish you luck – see you on the other side!Reply
*HIgh fives* I'll make yours a double then 😉 x I'm beginning to think there is no other side you know… lol xxReply
ha! You think it finishes at 8! It never ends….I will wait patiently for part two of this series!Reply
Ha 😉 I suppose it was more wishful thinking… *cries* xxxReply
Brilliant post. Thank you for making me smile and laugh, lots. Love them bundles, but don't they drive us nuts.Reply
Its a good job you stopped, the stages go on and on and on and on. Sorry!
They do indeed… *deep sigh* x cheers for the comment lovely ;P xxxReply
hilarious!!! and so true…Reply
teehee 😉 cheers! xxxReply
Hahaha, you made me laugh… a lot! Fun post! Mel #MagicMomentsReply
Glad to have given you a good giggle 😉 Thanks for popping over xxxReply
I, for one, cannot wait for potty training posts 😉Reply
*sharp intake of breath* …I can… lol xxxReply
Hahahaha this is absolutely brilliant, and all of it so so so so true! xReply
Hahaha – thanks missus 😛 lol xxxReply
Ha ha ha ha ha….!
That is literally all I have to say! xReply
Lol x cheers lovely! XxxReply
Hahahaaaa I always got told about a "positive pain" …I think I was more confused about that afterwards than I was about my crash section!Reply
Eek! It's clearly some myth designed to make u feel better… Which u don't… U just feel even angrier! Lol xReply
Fab and so true…………… you wait until you get to school age though hun – it's even better!!!! The only advice I can give is NEVER let your child sit next to the child that is scratching their hair or bum!!!!! #magicmoments #whatsthestoryReply
Ooh yum 🙂 sound advice indeed! lol xReply
Such a true account of the 1st 7 steps, I dont' know which steps I'm on now as I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old but I have to admit, I'm enoying it now than I ever did when they were little xxReply
haha x glad to hear there is light at the end of the toddler tunnel… lol xxReply
OH I literally cannot wait till you start potty training! Start today! It's easy, honest!! 😉Reply
Something tells me you are not being entirely truthful with me… *scowls a bit* x 🙂 #funeeReply
I'm sat here nodding to all of the seven points… wonderful!Reply
:))) thank you xxxReply
Hahaha oh god, these posts just really make me somewhat scared for the impending future!! We are at the "Weaning and other Tortures" stage now…so far not too bad!Reply
Downhill from there really… 😉 lol xReply
Hilarious and so familiar! I've made my way through all stages twice and have now returned for a third time. Weaning is WAY easier third time round though, poor kid basically has to forage for himself! #funeeReply
Foraging – I like that 😉 *makes mental note for next child* lol xxReply
popping over again from #funee This had me giggling into my Pinot just now – was better second time around. FabReply
haha! welcome again! makes me happy to make u happy 😉 xxReply
I don't want to alarm you, but by far the worse is stage 8! xReply
* goes to happy place and rocks back and forth with some gin* lol xxReply
your posts always make me laugh soooo much. My son often sits up late to read the wot so funees with me – but quite glad he's not around for this one! xxxReply
teehee x yes, mummies and daddies only for my posts! lol xxx thanks for reading 🙂 xReply
Brilliant as ever! I have survived them all(even potty training with number 1) and now coming upto stage 7 with number 2 eeeek xReply
eeeeek indeed! I'm glad someone has made it through stage 8! I have some hope… sort of… xxx lol!Reply
Haha great post! I have a few in those stages! The twins never stop talking, sometimes I'm not sure what i agree to with the mindless nodding lol.Reply
Just keep saying yes… And block everything else out with alcohol 😉 sorted! Lol xxReply
Brilliant!!! Thank you for this!Reply
Pahahaha 😉 you are welcome xxxReply
Hahaha! Brilliant. Wait for the tween and teen years – it gets better.Reply
I see a theme developing here… lol x Does it EVER get any easier… *puts head in hands* xxReply
Love it – so that's what I have to look forward to 🙂Reply
Yes. Let's say yes… look 'forward to'. Yes. *runs away* lol xReply
Just snorted reading this again – the first one always gets me! Hilarious 🙂Reply
*sniggers* oh it's a cheap laugh but a good one :))) lol xxReply
Ahhh come on,you could have had a field day with potty training… tut tut xReply
Ha… I'll prob just give up… go back to rocking the corner… :/ lol xReply