Level 1 – Standard Tantrum
Notes: Generally occurs at home. Manageable without skin loss. (Yours)
Warnings Signs/Traits: Protruding bottom lip, mild stroppiness and an inability to make full eye contact or respond to own name. Occasional throwing of nearby objects and mild violence towards nearby animals/woodland creatures.
General Causes: Saying no to a 75th episode of Peppa Pig, suggesting something other than fish fingers for dinner, pointing out that a spoon really is more effective for eating yoghurt than a palm/face combo or recommending that due to the torrential rain perhaps today is not the day for naked paddling pool fun.
Treatment: Usually appeasable with biscuits, grapes and a 75th episode of Peppa Pig.
Level 2 – The Body Flop
Notes: Will nearly always occur in public. With Tutting. And eye-rolling.
Warning Signs/Traits: Sudden screaming followed by spurts of laugh-crying (If you have a toddler you know what this is…). Refusal to get into the car/shop/ trolley/house – in fact refusal to be compliant in any way as long as it massively inconveniences you and causes more tuts.
General Causes: You looked at them wrong, you didn’t use your nice voice, you forgot to pack an apple despite very specific requests, you made them wear a hat and three days ago you realised you’d run out of yoghurts and provided a ‘mashed up banana’ in its place. This is simply not acceptable.
Treatment: You’re gonna need some serious treats, a Peppa Pig DVD, the stamina for at least a 2-hour angry-princess-tea-party and you will be required to set fire to all hats. ALL OF THEM. (You’ll need gin for this.)
Level 3 – The Angry Crab
Notes: Also known as the ‘Contortionist’s Strop’.
Warning Signs/Traits: This is what happens when you attempt to bring a toddler out of a Body-Flop using a lifting or bending motion. No matter how much you try to manipulate them into a lift-able state they WILL resist… like soaped-up slippery ninja midgets sent to break your will power. And make you look like a wanker.
General Causes: They’ve been planning this for days…
Treatment: This is a battle of wills. Never break first. You must stay strong, silent and in control…. Safe in the knowledge that tomorrow you are upping their nursery hours.
Level 4 – The Toddler Tornado
Notes: Hide all pets and breakable objects. Do not allow them near other children of similar size or smaller.
Warning Signs/Traits: Level 4s are fairly rare but if they do happen it will be in a confined environment for maximum effect. Such an an aeroplane, a restaurant, the queue at the post office.
General Causes: You took them on an aeroplane. Or to a restaurant. Or to the post office. How could you be so misguided as to think they would enjoy a holiday, or eating, or receiving gifts via post… You are so [email protected]*king selfish.
Treatment: There’s nothing for it but CRiP…. Capture, Restraint and iPad. Use every trick in your change bag. There’s no such thing as too many crisps. Or too big an ice cream.
Level 5 – The Silent Rage
Warning Signs/Traits: There are none. That’s what’s so terrifying… They don’t react… they remain silent… biding their time… harvesting your weaknesses… waiting for their moment to strike…. You should be very afraid.
General Causes: [email protected]*k knows… But you’re on your own now…
Treatment: Sleep with one eye open and a knife under your pillow… thoroughly expect to woken up by your toddler holding said knife in one hand and one of your freshly severed organs in the other…
Hah, this is spookily accurate! At just 18mths my son has yet to hit level 5, but I do fear the day…. Argh!!!Reply
It will come… mark my words… it will come… lol xReply
I love this!! And Yes! Mother's that have to time to think of lip gloss are bitches! LOL!Reply
I know! Bastards 🙂 xReply
Level 3!! What is that all about?? Where do their bones go??? How do they get so heavy???Reply
They have their bones. That's part of their power… lol xxxReply
I don't think I have ever had to deal with number yet thank god!Reply
It's coming… Be afraid. Be very afraid… Lol xxxReply
Oh god. My ds is only 15 months. I'm dreading this happening. Must buy more wine in preparation…..Reply
If join some kind of wine subscription service if I were you… 🙂 ha! XxReply
My son turns two next week and we have been on daily levels 3 and 4 every day for a month. I fear that level five is around the corner. 🙁Reply
I live in fear that there is a surprise level 6 waiting for me once I've run out of organs… :/ lol xxxReply
Oh so true! The body flop is my ultimate nightmare!! xReply
Haha xxx it's happens to us all… Lol xxxReply
Levels 2, 3, and 4 are horribly familiar. Can only be cured with cake….Reply
Or gin-cake 🙂Reply
So true, on every level. Think I experiences one of each yesterday. Got to admire a public hummilation when it's executed so skillfully. Wish I'd had your guide and the presense of mind to apply CRiP. Will be printing this out for future emergencies.Reply
Oh yeah, I should make a pamphlet version and send to the NCT or something! Lol xxReply
Ah yes. I have my personal fave hold for the angry crab (we still get at 7yrs). Arm between one leg and the other around upper body. Hold child lying sideways like a huge baby and clasp your hands and walk fast.Reply
I do this with my 1yr old. Very effective. Plus he is small enough still to do it with one hand whilst preparing a bedtime bottle/opening a bottle of wine with the other….Reply
Utterly brilliant – I laughed at all those coz I am now out the other side and even more grateful for that since reading this. Good luck – only a few more years! *passes gin*Reply
pahaha x thanks lovely! *accepts gin and accidentally downs the lot…* lol xReply
Brilliant! You should write a guide book for parents to be (that should tackle the overpopulation prob) 🙂Reply
heehee x might just do that! xReply
It's very funny! But I hope you have some other tips than just crisps and ipad! well use those too with my 2 years old 😉 all in moderation like the gin!Reply
Ha 😉 after ipads and gin I have nothing… lol xxReply
Tickling is effective in nearly all cases. No matter who tuts or stares, just stand with your hands on your hips looking down sympathetically and when it's done say 'feel better now? Come on then'Reply
If you're in a confined space in public, it's a swift pick up, out the door (or in the bog on a plane) and a simple sit down and cuddle til it's done.
Oh yes, a good tickle works wonders doesn't it :))) xReply
Why is it that tantrum levels 2 – 5 ALWAYS happen in public? And, why do I never have any gin handy?Reply
Time to gin up the sippy cup misses! lol xReply
Ah I see why a change bag has all those extra pockets you can't actually get a baby bottle in to …. it's for the mums hip flask! I need to get a hip flask…Reply
Too bloody right 😉 *hic*Reply
Hehe nearly choked I was laughing so much, brilliant post! We're mostly the angry crab here although they all apply – usually in public! The new one is coming downstairs multiple times when she should be sleeping, not sleeping till 10pm then refusing to wake up. It's been a week although tonight she did doze off at 8pm *phew*Reply
I am keeping her cot bars on until she's 5. Fact. lol xxxReply
Love this! Great way to describe the levels of terrors! 🙂 xReply
heehee x thanks! xxReply
Where does the plank fit in? Usually applied when trying to get them into a car seat or buggy, anywhere which requires toddler folding!Reply
And, now many years on, if you think these are bad let me introduce you to…..the pre-teen! Bwa ha ha haaaaaaa
lol x the angry crab is the advanced version of this move! :))) xReply
Ha ha! My 3 year old practices ALL of these. He is especially good at stage 5. little psycho…Reply
I too own a little psycho… #sleepingwithoneeyeopen… lol xxReply
Ha ha ha! Having boys, I will never experience the angry-princess tea party, thank GOD! I get angry bouncing as I hold the trampoline zip shut for as long as it takes. While necking wine from fizzy water bottle so the neighbours can't confirm their suspicions. Loving your work. If you go through and I don't I won't mind one bit. Will still love you tomorrow. xxReply
Can't neck enough wine I always say… 😉 xxReply
I'm 28 and pregnant with my first. My mum still finds greet hilarity in telling a story of me throwing a strop in the supermarket and she just left me there in the aisle to calm down. She carried on down the aisle and just waited out of my eye line even though she could still see me.Reply
You see this in supermarkets daily 😉 lol xxReply
You and your toddler actually keep me sane! and a little gin along the way!…….legend you are 🙂 xReply
#ginlegend :))) lol! thank you xxxReply
This is hilariously accurate , the arms up straight so you nearly drop me move is a good one as wellReply
Levels 3 & 4 always happen on the bus during rush hour every fucking day without fail it’s like my 2 year old knows when to sport the floppy mode tantrum, crab usually happens at the bus stop before getting on the bus with horrified people looking at me like I’ve just done something wrong! The other day she had to sit on my lap as there was an old man with no seat and as soon as he sat in her seat she started screaming the bus down saying ‘ get that man out of my seat he’s a rudie’ she continues to shout and cry this out the rest of the journey home I could have died!!xxReply
Oh god!! I’m only laughing coz I’ve been there!! XxxReply
I normally like your posts, but this one was offensive. Yes, i wear lip gloss. I also apply mascara and eyeliner. So what does that make me? I don’t stare at people whose kids are having a meltdown, I smile in mum solidarity cos we’ve all been there. So who is the judgemental one here? I’m really angry about the way you’ve deemed people to be slags for daring to wear make up!Reply
I’m honestly surprised you’ve taken offence. I manage makeup in varying degrees these days but that’s honestly not the point… there’s a line that pokes fun at those who judge others… (maybe they’ve got lipgloss on maybe not!) which is exaggerated for comic effect. It’s a post about toddlers tantrumming – if it’s not relevant to you that’s fine – move on 😉 I don’t actually know why I’ve taken the time to bother defending something so obviously a joke tbh!Reply
Thanks for this!! Only with such humour and realisation that ur not on ur own i feel like i can take on my son when he turns into the incredible sulk!!! XxReply