Yes.
That’s right blog followers and fellow wonky vagina owners… this is my rather unsubtle way of telling you all that WallyBubba #2 is in progress and already reached the ripe old age of 14 weeks of womb time.
*pauses for mixed reactions of happiness, hopelessness, uncontrollable wailing (my own) and outright astonishment*
Obviously. I’m happy. I’m over the shitting moon. But it’s fair to say that baby number 2’s ability to bring infinite joy has been slightly jaded. Mostly by knowledge… I KNOW how shit pregnancy, birth, babyhood, toddlerhood and my uterus are now, and I’m still f@*king doing it again. Yes. OVER THE F@*KING MOON.
So, with the wonders of pregnancy conveniently blotted out up to now, I can’t deny the symptoms are catching up with me again. So naturally it’s time for an inappropriate and offensive blogpost listing all the things that are truly shit about pregnancy:
- You can’t stop eating Pot Noodles. No matter how dirty they make you feel inside.
- The really shit parts of your personality (or lack of) are exposed due to the lack of alcohol… #true.
- You’re exhausted, but at 3am your body says F@*K YOU SLEEP. I NEED A WEE, A PACKET OF MINI CHEDDARS, SOME AFTER EIGHTS AND AN UNNECESSARY SERIES OF ANGRY SIGHS.
- The yellow arches are your new best friend. You’re ashamed. But yes. You will be going large on that McLunch thanks very much oh mystic giver of breaded chicken McLumps…
- You don’t quite look pregnant yet, you just look like you really like pies. And McLunches… oh… (shit)
- You have to listen to annoying fruit analogies. My baby is not an avocado… Unless you know of an avocado that grows to weigh 7lbs and tears through vaginas using a combination of its teeth and kung fu.
- The area previously known as your ankles has begun to merge successfully with your calves… and instead of lower legs you now instead have very long knees. Shorts really aren’t for you now. *whispers* but then, they never were…
- Also, what the f@*k has happened to my belly button…?!
- You’ve noticed how much prosecco your friends really drink. In heels. Selfish twats.
- Plus now you’re pregnant, all your friends will announce amazing birthday parties, trips abroad, hen-dos, weddings and loads of other stuff you’re invited to be farty, sweaty and spherical at. Awesome.
- In the last three months, the most exciting thing you’ve done is eat a medium rare steak on your wedding anniversary followed by an entire camembert. Which you ate using only your face. #rebel
- You’ve lost all ability to hoover, dust or cook… yet you can muster the strength for John Lewis’s baby department no problem.
- Your life is filth and takeaways now. Until the baby comes… when it’s filth, takeaways and faeces.
- You should be sprinting after your daredevil toddler… but instead you are fairly busy puking in a bin. (This should be the moment that puts you off Pot Noodles… instead you come up fancying one again… #grim)
- You know you’re becoming angry, unsociable and unreasonable, but this doesn’t stop you sending your husband out at 10pm for a Yop and a packet of pork scratching. This is all his fault after all.
- Oh gin…. *le sigh*
#byebyegin
#byebyepersonality
#hellofilthtakeawaysandfaeces
#byebyepersonality
#hellofilthtakeawaysandfaeces
Er – congratulations. I guess.
ReplyLook forward to seeing you puking in a bin tomorrow. Actually, scrap that. The sight of people puking is never a good one. As a teetotaller, I can keep you company at Britmums while all the naughty ladies indulge in alcoholic beverages.
ha 😉 thank you xx yes, it'll be a bit of a different experience to the one I had planned initially but I shall join you in laughing at everyone's hangovers on the saturday! lol xx
ReplyCongratulations!! I needed to read this actually as I'm hitting ridiculous levels of broodiness just now and with 17 month old twins the VERY LAST THING I NEED is another frigging baby.
ReplyLOL! yes – you have both hands full, surely that's enough heehee x Happy to have bright you bcd to reality! lol xx
Replyor 'brought you back' even. pregnancy has affected my typing already! damm pregnancy nails! x
ReplyCongratulations! Having the wrong anatomy and therefore no first-hand experience, I won't comment on the list of woe, but I showed my wife this post and she is nodding furiously and laughing her arse off. 🙂
Replyhaha x well I am very glad to here it :))) x
ReplyCongratulations! Looking forward to further updates on the amount of pork scratchings consumed.
ReplyI can confirm it will be a lot 🙂 x
ReplyCongrats! I AM THE WORLDS WORST PREGNANT PERSON! I want a third but don't think I will have any friends of family left who like me. It is great having two (sob downs wine). But actually now it is good. And my girl was only 2 when the boy was born. You will have fab happy times. And a Dec baby is the best it's like a month of presents. We have mine, the boys, the girls, christmas and out anniversary in four weeks #badplanning xxx
Replyha 😉 my other one is a december baby so I am seriously hoping they don't have the same birthday… NIGHTMARE. altho easy when they're young… share a cake and shit. sorted. 🙂 x
ReplyThis is me too! We aren't allowed a 3rd because I'm such an unreasonable dick when I'm knocked up!
ReplyHuge congrats – The shitness won't last forever, but you also won't be able to drink at Britmums – No gin for you 🙁 x
ReplyI KNOWWWW. *wails* …stupid pregnancy… lol x
ReplyWow! Congratulations! The tearing through the vagina bit just made me snort, and now people are looking do thanks for that! 🙂 hope we get to meet at BMs 'xx
ReplyHope so too! xx see you there 😉 lol xx
ReplyOh what rotten bad timing, but congrats anyway. Whenever you timed it you'd still be off the gin, so just smile and make the most of it, the best is yet to come (I know, my 23, almost 24 year old baby, last of 4, has just announced he's leaving home in September, yippeee.
ReplySo you're saying, just 25 years or so and the end is in sight… That gin can't come quick enough! lol xxx
ReplyYay! Congratulations and remember the shit bits well x
Replyhaha x thank you xxx I shall! x
ReplyAwesome post lovely and I am SO chuffed for you. Really great news. I shall drink your wine for you at BritMums so don't feel bad. Will swap you some cordial *with bells obvs* xxx
Replyhahaha x what a good bloggy friend you are 😉 lol xx thank you misses xxx
ReplyCongratulations! Yep, it all comes flooding back second time round! x
ReplyI bet it does… It is slowly dawning on me wheat I'm doing… lol xx
ReplyCongratulations!! I feel so guilty for sending you the picture about world gin day now! Don't worry, I'll have one for you.
Sally
ReplyLMAO x don't be silly 🙂 I'll be back on it 6 months not that long right.. *cries a bit* heehee xxx
ReplyBUT on the plus side, you get to use your pregnancy as an excuse for anything and everything.
Reply"No dear, I can't watch Top Gear, I'm pregnant"
"No we can't eat that, the baby won't like it"
Etc etc
I know right… funny how this baby enjoys Made in Chelsea and Jaffa Cakes… so handy 😉 xx *sniggers*
ReplyHehe made me chuckle. Huge congrats (again). You've just reminded me of my dinner kebab and fat addiction during pregnancy. Yep, fat. On ALL meat. How gross is that? I couldn't get enough of it. I used to have my chewable Gaviscon with me at all times.
Replyeurgh… I'm happy with my pot noodle addiction now after reading that! LOL! xxx
ReplyCONGRAT-a friggin_ULATIONS. You love floating around in your hippy tops looking serene really. ENOY ENJOY ENJOY. I'll try and not be too pissed and annoying when I chat to you tomorrow night and you are sober xx
Replypahahaha x more like frump about sweating and complaining about my feet… lol x You be as pissed as you like 😉 If this was 3 months ago I'd be the most twitted of all for sure! lol x #badplanning
ReplyHahaha! Congratulations (I think?)… Enjoy it (?) I'll have a gin for you whilst wearing heels… and sipping prosecco xx
ReplyBitch… lol xxx but thank you! heehee xx
ReplyAhh wonderful news! Everyone is pregnant atm glad I'm drinking that water 😉 hope all goes really well I'm useless at being pregnant ! Xxx
Replythey are aren't they…lol x I'm pretty shit at is as well, hence the list above really! pahaha xxx
ReplyAh congratulations! x
ReplyThank you :))) x
ReplyYay, congrats to you! I am SO glad that my pregnancy days are over…..you've just reminded me why 🙂 x
Replyheeheehee 😉 whereas I am being reminded. vividly. :/ lol xxx
ReplyYou won't want to hear this but I'm almost at the end of no. 3. There's lots of empathy posts on my blog if you find yourself wanting reading material in the middle of the night whilst eating Rennies. My top tip. Don't fall asleep whilst sucking them. Unless you like that chalky taste ALL DAY LONG. Aside from that it's a jolly old time right? Congratulations. It will go quick I promise. And there's always hibernation come Autumn…
ReplyHaha 😉 I shall take that advice lady xxx lol
ReplyCongratulations! Take heart- with an older one to waddle after you'll be so tired the next few months will all blur into one and be gone in a flash! Enjoy the good bits and I hope pot noodle give you a loyalty card! It was all worth it when my eldest peeped in tge Moses basket for the first time. 🙂
Replywoohoo! (I think…) ha xxx
ReplyWoohoo congrats! Happy and healthy 9 months. Forget the piles the swollen buswams, heartburn and the fact the sight of your lady bits will dissappear. Just remember you are allowed to eat trifle at 3 am. X
ReplyHell yes. 3am cake is definitely the one :))) x
ReplyNice work – hope the vagina makes it through in one piece 😉
ReplyYou are too kind sir, too kind 😉
ReplyFor what it's worth, I think you're even funnier pregnant and sober. That kung fu move out of the vagina had me rofling. Until I felt the twinge and remembered the op I had last month to fix the damage. No laughing for me any more…
Replyheehee x thank you lovely lady… I have 6 months to go so let's bloody hope my sense of humour holds up! xx
ReplyCongratulations! Enjoy the next six months of a toddler and no gin to sort you out at the end of a long hard day. Oh and I wish you and your vag well lol x
ReplyMe and my vag thank you kindly. lol xx
ReplyCongratulations. Sorry for not congratulating when I saw you. I was more mad at myself for having not read the post. I shall drink your share of gin for the next nine months so it doesn't go to waste.
Replyha 😉 cheers lady! lol xxx
ReplyCongratulations! Wait till they gang up on you 🙂
Replysomething else to look forward to! lol xxx
ReplyAww congratulations! Welcome to the hell that is 2 children lol I was so happy that you won at the BIBs, you really deserved it 🙂 xx
ReplyThat's so lovely thank you!!! Xxx
ReplyCongratulations and good luck! x
Replyaww cheers lovely! xxx
Reply