Just a few days to go until the big event folks…
Which means there’s still plenty of time for many entirely normal parents to go a little bit mental in the name of Christmas… They may well be completely ordinary, adult, we-own-a-hyundai-and-have-cats-and-a-consevatory kinda people for the other 11 months of the year, but December holds mystical and magical powers which can turn even the most ordinary of child-owning folks into dicks. December dicks. Festive dicks. Dicks of the holiday season. A time for total and complete Christmas Dickishness. (totally a thing)
So. Please. Read on if you want to attempt to maintain non-dickish behaviour as much as possible during the festive period… Because as I’ve said before. No-one wants to be a dick. Because being a dick (especially at Christmas) is mostly for dicks.
- Firstly. I know you may think that no-one in your Facebook news feed has EVER seen a Christmas Tree before… but… (and this may surprise you so try not to shit yourself here) WE HAVE. So uploading pictures of yours the second you have decorated it captioned ‘Christmas has arrived!‘ or ‘Tree’s up!’ with a christmas tree emoticon is sort of not necessary… and actually pretty fucking obvious.
- Secondly. I think we all know that ‘little Johnny’ didn’t evenly space and perfectly arrange those baubles… In fact, I think we all know that ‘little Johnny’ was mostly eating fairy-lights and garrotting a cat with some tinsel whilst pulling some shit out of his nappy to add his own ‘special touch’ to the pop-up nativity scene on the mantel piece whilst the tree decorating was going on…. so cut the bullshit people. Bullshit is for dicks.
- No-one has ever seen a baby dressed up as an Elf/Reindeer/Christmas Pudding/Santa-Claus before EVER. You’ll be totally original. Definitely. So be sure to get all the angles. Across at least 50 photos. And tag everyone you know. Across all social media. Every day. Forever.
- (Or don’t. Just a suggestion.)
- I hadn’t realised before I had children that buying gifts for your kids was actually a competition… I was not aware that the true ‘Spirit of Christmas’ had F-all to do with peace to all men, shit jumpers and drinking enough Baileys you lose control of your speech and/or limbs during a particularly energetic round of Charades with Grandma… Nope. I was wrong. Apparently it’s about instagramming the shit out of mountain of gifts just so EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU’VE SPENT… Which even Father Christmas agrees is pretty dickish… Rudolph is farting angry-reindeer-farts in your general dickish direction.
- Oh. And don’t forget to time hop any previous year’s efforts for comparison… *rolls eyes*
- Pictures of smug home-made crafts… STOP LYING WE ALL KNOW KIDS JUST PAINT EVERYTHING BLACK (regardless of the palette) WHILST YOU CONTINUALLY BRIBE THEM WITH CRISPS AND FANTA. Yep. Another round of Skips flavoured black egg cups this year… (Sorry to any of our nearest and dearest for whom I’ve just spoiled the surprise. You lucky bastards.)
- Elf on the Shelf. Is a Dick.
- Please continue to ask if ’45 presents for an 8-month old baby’ is enough in local mummy-forums as I welcome the opportunity to tell you that my one year old son will be receiving some curtain tie-backs, a wooden spoon his sister painted at nursery for him (Black. Obvs.) and a series of hugs this year… and he probably won’t care because he’s 12-FUCKING-MONTHS-OLD and mostly interested in playing with his own penis.
- I don’t need to see an hour-by-hour run down of your picture-twatting-perfect Christmas Day when I log onto Facebook drunk at midnight having thrown up down my Christmas-Pudding-Onesie… Because anyone actually enjoying themselves doesn’t prioritise seeing how many ‘likes’ they can rack up for a close up of their roast potatoes…. In our household, by 9am we will have already heimliched The Baby Jesus out of the one-year-old twice and let the pre-schooler eat Quality Street for breakfast so we win Christmas anyway. WE WIN CHRISTMAS. OK. #INYOURFACE
*checks own Facebook profile and frantically begins deleting photos of roast potatoes and babies dressed as reindeers*
This is hilarious! I’m guilty of putting pic of my tree up I’m afraid. however I think I’m innocent on all other counts!Reply
Haha! Thank you :)))Reply
I fucking love youReply
Lol xxx *does a little bow*Reply
You have said everything I think but too scared to say….*removes tree pic from profile*Reply
Lol 😉 we’ve all done it… :)))Reply
I’m so with you on all of this! I don’t mind the odd happy snap, but weeks of smugness I can do without! Merry f***ing Christmas to you!Reply
Ahahaha 😉 merry f**king Xmas to you too lovely! Lol xxxReply
I blog-love you even more for this.
Ha ha 😉 well. I’ve never felt quite as blog-loved as I do right now :))Reply
Elf on the shelf is a massive dick who gets right in my left tit! I actually hope my daughter grows out of Santa before next year so I don’t have to do it again!!Reply
I’m afraid to say that having read this I may be guilty of being a bit of a dick 😉Reply
Oh hey babes 😉 we’re all a bit of a dick sometimes… Lol xxxReply
No 8. Who even can be arsed with that?! XReply
Well exactly 😉 xReply
Deffo number 5…i hate seeing everyones photos of stacks and stacks of presents…makes me really jealous!!!Reply
But im a dick as i post about my tree 🙁 lol
Heehee x I may have posted a picture of my children in matching Gruffalo onesies on Xmas eve… I felt dirty but I still did it! Lol! XxReply
I know I’ve read this too late – but I love you for saying all of this out loud!!!!Reply
Everything you mention is correct – these are indeed very dick like things to do.
Heehee x thanks lovely 😉 xxReply
I love this. Only guilty of 3 of them (thank god!). Sick of the bloody Christmas present competition. No wonder we have so many spoilt little brats growing up in the world expecting everything on a plate! I got video cassettes and a satsuma and apple every year from Santa and I turned out to be a well rounded person (kind of). My own spoilt little brat got through opening his stocking in the space of 10 minutes and was already looking for more. Sigh…Reply
Heehee x mine too! 😉 xxReply