We have begun the dreaded potty training…
The precision learnings of the ‘pot that shall remain nameless’…
The pee-pee-poo-festival of the potty-pot-pot-pot-pot…
Yes.
That glamorous phase of toddler parenting where you once again get up close and personal with your child’s bodily fluids and functions, and once again taste the shit of a human… Daily…
It’s a phase that strikes fear into the hearts and souls of parents everywhere and carries with it the burden of being responsible for your child. Nappy-less. Able to poo, pee and fiddle freely. In public. Sometimes on pavements. Or other toddlers. Or Alsatians. But mostly you.
There are many things humans shouldn’t see with their actual eyes… death, destruction, famine, your toddler’s faeces smeared across your new cream carpet and a large section of your pets… but so far here’s some of the things I’ve learnt on my potty-journey, which I now impart to you:
- Don’t be tempted to wipe your face with the back of your hand whilst breaking into a sweat half way through a particularly hefty poo disposal… #turdbrow.
- Letting them carry their pee-filled-potty to the toilet themselves is risky… attempting to wrestle to off of them whilst they are carrying it will result in a golden shower for two. (Not the sexy kind.)
- There are only so many Dettol wipes and kitchen rolls one person should use in their life time. And yep, you just smashed your quota in the last four minutes.
- You’ve been to buy pants. You’ve followed all the advice; carefully allowed the toddler to select the ones they want, encouraged them to admire their new bottom-cotton in the mirror, praised and cheered as they’ve pulled them on in the morning… and now you can only look on as your toddler pisses through them like a f@*king polka-dotted tea strainer.
- If you haven’t noticed it… it hasn’t happened… until your husband arrives home and it can be both his fault and problem. #toddlerloginthecorner
- Bushes and hedgerows are your new best friend. Respect them, hug them, talk to them even… then pour your toddler’s freshly squeezed urine all over them. Beautiful.
- Car journeys aren’t.
- Your child-less friends will probably be a little bit taken a back when they pop round for a cup of tea, and your two-year-old curls one off in the living room potty just as they’re tucking into a toffee crisp. Apparently they think it’s disgusting or something…?! Weirdos.
- You’ll never be so bored of the sound of your own voice asking if they need a wee… each time you say it a little bit of your soul actually rots away, and your vagina cries. #truestory
- DO NOT (in a desperate attempt to leave the house somewhere near on time and pretend it’s all going FINE AWESOME BRILLIANT) tickle them until they start to wee everywhere and hopefully sort of catch some in a bucket and/or glass.
- *whispers* Sometimes… we all just let it dry…
Brilliant! Inspired! I'm so glad our toddler's over this stage, but I remember the pain….. great post! xx
ReplyI cannot wait to get out the other side! *sobs a bit* lol
ReplyFantastic – am going through this with my little one right now – it is all so true 🙂
ReplyPain shared is still just as painful… hahaha x
ReplyOh yes….I realised after 3rd child that all this potty 'training' had little to do with me. In fact, the training bit refers to us – parents – but God only knows what we are training for…dementia? My middle child (cue Omen music) took 8 months before HE decided he would poo in a toilet (not really a lot to ask) but it cost me my sanity and 3000 pairs of pants. Whereas child #3 did it herself…I barely noticed. Although that may have been the wine (as I was still recovering from post traumatic poo disorder inflicted by child#2). Enjoy….
ReplyHilarious 😉 I shall… *mops brow* oh shit – #turdbrow
ReplyHA HA HA HA Turdbrow is amazing. Been there with that one many a time, but will I ever learn?? x
Replyheehee 😉 never… where's the fun in that :))
ReplyOh my goodness! This made me laugh so much I nearly wet myself as well! This is exactly what we are going through at the moment x
Reply*sniggers* it's hardcore ain't it! 😉
ReplyLMAO! I'm so glad that this phase is over and done with in our house!
ReplyI cannot wait to be there too… lol xx
Reply*shudders*
ReplyHATE potty training, it's actually one of the reasons we are stopping at two children! 😉
I may sell the other one at 18 months juts to avoid it again TBH… lol xx
ReplyTotes hilarious! Remember it all too well. It doesn't get much better…they just become too lazy/engrossed in playing and piss everywhere anyway!
ReplyOh the joys… lol x
ReplyGreat post! Potty training is stinky, wet, brown, yellow hell! Particularly loved the tea strainer bit!
ReplyI am so bored of washing pants. :/ lol
ReplyWe've been there–#toddlerlogsinthecorner! But, you know what they say: A turd on the floor is better than a turd in the pants…or is it? #thepottyrocker
Replyheehee #pottyrocker
ReplyNot enjoying this phase with our monkey prince at the moment. To be fair the hubby deals with everything gross as the baby keeps having blood taken and he can't cope with that. So he's poo and I'm blood 🙁
ReplyOh the joys of marriage with kids eh 😉 #bloodandshit
ReplyWe are currwntly training No2 in the art of potty training and today she cocked her ass out in the Sea Life Centre @Chessington World of Adventures to do an adventure poo #awkward
Replypahahahaha! #adventurepoo :)))
ReplyHa ha this made me laugh. We have just about managed to train the middle child (nightmare) and we still have the third one in nappies. Potty training literally stinks and #turdbrow is a right royal pain. It should be an official hashtag thingy. 🙂 xxx
ReplyI may get it trending… lol 😉 x it's be bigger than #yolo i expect :))
ReplyAaahh you just described our life at the mo! Brilliant! I wrote a post about potty training as well!
ReplyTheFrenchMaman.co.uk
haha 😉 thanks xx
ReplyI love this, I have had 1 child out of the 4 trained so far just do it on her own at 18 months! She just went with her big sisters to the toilet one day and that was that! If only they were all so easy.
ReplyI'm actually dreading having to go through all this again with O! xxx
I'm not sure I'll survive another round… lol xx
Reply1 – LOVE TURD BROW! 2 – this nearly killed me. Yes this actually very nearly killed me did potty training. Good on you for getting it out of the way now rather when the other one drops! Good luck xxx PS shit is pants is far worse than shit in nappies? Why?
ReplyI know! I've been dealing with shit for 2 and a half years but suddenly… I can't deal anymore! Lol xxx #turdbrow
ReplyHa ha brilliant! Oh i feel for you but at least you are getting it done with before no.2. I did it with a tiny breastfeeding baby in tow and F would always need a wee when i was feeding – such a calculating little poppet x
ReplyI juts can't deal with two lots of nappies… by the time the next one comes I'm hoping the toddler will be totally self sufficient/ready to leave home… 🙂 heehee xx
ReplyThat photo there takes me right back. But ceam carpets, sheesh woman, you're insane!
ReplyI've been so busy with it being the holidays, I've had all your posts lined up and no time to read them – it's the perfect compliment to my coffee this morning 😀
ha 😉 hope you enjoy catching up! It'll take you back… lol xxx beautiful times…
ReplyWhat the hell is wrong with nappies on adults anyway? Society is so narrow minded.
ReplyAgreed. 😉
ReplyI’ve had 3 kids, 1st was a doddle to toilet train! Didn’t understand what all the fuss was about but my second pee’d and pooped all over my house and had me going stir crazy for about a year till he was done, so was dreading my 3rd but she decided to do it all by herself, and went from nappies to knickers day and night in one week!! they are all different and after my second it’s worth waiting till you know they are ready xx
ReplyHa 😉 fingers crossed my second is an easy one too!
Reply