Boobs, boobs, boobs… My anti-love-affair with breastfeeding…

Let’s talk boobs.

Boobs…. Boobies…. Back-breaking-balls-of-big-baby-feeding-bustiness…. Breasts.

I can’t deny mine have taken quite a battering in their time… I can’t quite look at them directly, eye-to-nipple, without wincing a bit and remembering a time before my areolas were the size of plates…

And it’s fair to say my relationship with breastfeeding is love/hate. I love it for its ease, the lack of washing up, the milk-drunk effect and for the occasional times it doesn’t feel like a nail-bomb has been let off behind my nipple by some kind of tiny tit-terrorist… but then I hate the social awkwardness of the strategically placed muslin in front of the in-laws, the ‘where the f@*k are all the chairs with arms’ moments, the lonely night feeds and the wholly undignified experience of pumping, in front of your husband, a person whom you’d like to view you as something other than a giant veiny udder who cries a lot… 

I also hate the stigmas, the stereotypes and the constant judging of breast versus bottle feeding parents. Why the f@*k are we all so obsessed with how other mums feed their babies?! And why do we have to invoke such guilt?! God forbid an intelligent, healthy mother makes the decision that breast-feeding is not right for her, or to *cowers in fear of disapproving glances* combination feed … MAY SHE BE STRUCK DOWN BY THE FORCES THAT BE AND FORCED TO SEW UP HER VAGINA FOR THE SAKE OF ALL MANKIND FOR-EV-ER.

Jesus it’s a bloody nipple-tastic over-opinionated minefield out there… I for one cannot wait to introduce a bottle, (and a break for my poor, permanently-semi-erect dinner-plate-nips), and have some bloody guilt-free time off. With WIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEEE…. Yes. I just want to be left alone to feed my child the way I bloody want to, whilst weeping into a kitkat and remembering a time I wasn’t terrified to step out of the house without nipple pads.

Rant over.

Sorry about that.

It’s probably just the sleep deprivation…

*gets back to kitkat and weeping*



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