Boobs…. Boobies…. Back-breaking-balls-of-big-baby-feeding-bustiness…. Breasts.
I can’t deny mine have taken quite a battering in their time… I can’t quite look at them directly, eye-to-nipple, without wincing a bit and remembering a time before my areolas were the size of plates…
And it’s fair to say my relationship with breastfeeding is love/hate. I love it for its ease, the lack of washing up, the milk-drunk effect and for the occasional times it doesn’t feel like a nail-bomb has been let off behind my nipple by some kind of tiny tit-terrorist… but then I hate the social awkwardness of the strategically placed muslin in front of the in-laws, the ‘where the f@*k are all the chairs with arms’ moments, the lonely night feeds and the wholly undignified experience of pumping, in front of your husband, a person whom you’d like to view you as something other than a giant veiny udder who cries a lot…
I also hate the stigmas, the stereotypes and the constant judging of breast versus bottle feeding parents. Why the f@*k are we all so obsessed with how other mums feed their babies?! And why do we have to invoke such guilt?! God forbid an intelligent, healthy mother makes the decision that breast-feeding is not right for her, or to *cowers in fear of disapproving glances* combination feed … MAY SHE BE STRUCK DOWN BY THE FORCES THAT BE AND FORCED TO SEW UP HER VAGINA FOR THE SAKE OF ALL MANKIND FOR-EV-ER.
Jesus it’s a bloody nipple-tastic over-opinionated minefield out there… I for one cannot wait to introduce a bottle, (and a break for my poor, permanently-semi-erect dinner-plate-nips), and have some bloody guilt-free time off. With WIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEEE…. Yes. I just want to be left alone to feed my child the way I bloody want to, whilst weeping into a kitkat and remembering a time I wasn’t terrified to step out of the house without nipple pads.
Sorry about that.
It’s probably just the sleep deprivation…
*gets back to kitkat and weeping*
#platenips
Hahahahahahahahaha
Reply*sniggers back*
ReplyI well remember your pain, you are entitled to a rant, and all the judgey b*$^es can bugger off!
Replyexactly 😉 fuck 'em xx
ReplySorry what were you saying… Something about boobs… Got distracted by the gorgeousness of that little boy. Nearly boarding train for a squish! I am not good at breast feeding – rubbish milk. Told husband it was equivalent of someone sucking his balls with loads of paper cuts over them.
Replythat is a very bloody accurate analogy! I'd add that they'd also have mouth full of TCP whilst doing it… lol x he is a bit of a cutie though 😉 Almost makes me forgive him at time… :))) x
ReplyWhen I told my Health Visitor I was
Gulp
Mixed Feeding ( which is what combination feeding was called 20 years ago ), she had a seizure. Told me I couldn't.
I COULDN'T!!!!!
I bloody well did for 9 months. My second was mixed fed too. Yah boo sucks to you Health Visitor Lady.
Your baby is adorable xxx this is the best post I have read in forever!
ReplyThis is the best "boob choice" post I've read and by far the funniest. Tit-terrorists – paha! I love the milk-drunk effect so much. You are making me broody with all your plate-nips and gorgeous baby pics, you wretch! xx
ReplyBut….. he is gorgeous!!!!!!! Feed him how you like and he will keep getting more and more gorgeous, I guarantee it! x
ReplyHilarious!! But does that mean that #platenips are no better second time round?! Damn I hoped for good news that those things would stop bloody growing!!!
ReplyAMAZING BAB! I want to write a don't beat yourself up guide to bottle feeding but am scared of the haterz….mmmmm maybe I should brave it? EEK! x
ReplyAh this brings it all back. I too cannot look my boobs in the nipple. Fab post lovely xxx
ReplyHahah fab post!! Don't worry those nips will return to their former glory when you're good and ready. Xx
ReplyCombination feeding is exactly the same as feeding your child raw sewage. But it is AS NOTHING compared with the dangers of nipple confusion … x
ReplyOh love this made me laugh a lot. God you should've seen me with two of the little blighters stuck on at the same time. ARGGHHH.
ReplyAwe this made me smile (and feel slightly broody much to the sheer horror of Agent D). I couldn't breast feed Agent M and got nothing but shit from the health visitor over it. As mummy's we should support each other and stop being nipple nazi's … i know i know, wishful thinking lol xxx
ReplyBless him, he's gorgeous! Feed him how you flipping well like. Breastfeeding works for some people, but not for everyone. You have to do what suits him and you and who cares what other people think?
ReplyProperly gorgeous 🙂
ReplyAs for the lonely feeding. I reckon I'd cracked that by no.3 – Platinum trophies on Playstation 4 and 2am on demand movies make it a joy compared to the hours sat in the dark with no overnight TV for baby no.1!! 😀
Combo feeding all the way lovely…..then again I've just stuck my oar in too haven't I? Nips the size of dinner plates and oh so brown…or were they just mine?! He is super cute though. Love him. x
ReplyHaha I love this and feel your pain! Totally get the expressing infront if hubs! Xx
ReplyHeehee, this did make me giggle. Nothing quite as awkward as the in-laws walking in whilst your breastfeeding, although the mother in law didn't seemed phased, I was mortified! xx
ReplyLook at those squishy cheeks though! I love the milk coma. Feed the baby whatever you like, although keep the kitkat just for you
ReplyMy nips were the size of helicopter landing pads and I didn't even breast feed! Instead of the nail-bombed nips I had the cracked knuckles from all the bottle washing. That mild green Fairy liquid is an asshole.
ReplyIt's ok though….The wine took the edge off.
Cracking post and LUSH little baby. Makes me want another but terrified I'll get flattened by a fleet of helicopters. X
Did someone say kitkat?
ReplyBrilliant! I’m combination feeding my second baby and it’s the BEST decision ever. Combination as in stuffing both boob and bottle in her mouth, whichever she fancies- or often both. She’s fat and happy. As am I!
And if anyone dares judge me I shall squirt my boob in their direction.
Replynice. i reckon that’d shut the haters up 🙂 lol x
Reply