- Liberally apply suncream before leaving the house… so you can leave for your day out with everyone already crying, all your clothes ruined and a baby you can no longer control because each time you pick them up they pop out of your arms like a human Calippo.
- Don’t forget to pack more for one sunny-day-outing than you would do to emigrate. Then when you arrive realise you’ve forgotten nappies. And any form of drink. Or money. (and your keys)
- Stick to 100% cotton. With it’s cool, airy and completely un-bastard-wipeable-surface. And enjoy watching your child eat their chocolate ice-cream by first smashing it into their clothing before scraping it up their torso to their mouth like they’ve only just discovered how to use their limbs. This is also an excellent time to run out of baby wipes.
- Ensure your child wears a hat whilst in the sunshine by sellotaping it to their face under the ruse you are completing some kind of Elsa-style hair plait. Once out, remember to spend some time relaxing and enjoying the sun whilst you replace your child’s hat and/or pants every 2 or 3 seconds or so… Eventually give up and bribe them with ice-cream. And a new bike.
- Discover you should have saved the ice-cream bribery for far later as they have just had a shit on the trampoline. And they’re continuing to jump on it regardless. Without any shoes on.
- Opt for some easy-on footwear such as Crocs for your child, and watch as they refuse to wear them and instead opt for winter boots, or something with buckles that is at least 2 sizes too small… and will result in you needing a lot of wine later.
- Drink plenty of water. So you can enjoy the moment your toddler gives you the 3-second warning that they NEED A WEE RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW MUMMY, NOW as you’re in the middle of breastfeeding, on a pebble beach, with about 90% of the world’s baby equipment spread out on a picnic blanket in front of you, at least half a mile from any kind of public loo… *begins twitching and goes to happy place*
- Seek shade. To stop your beach-gin getting too warm. (And your babies. Or whatever.)
- Don’t forget to spend the entire day keeping your kids fully protected, hydrated and entertained, whilst you burn to a dehydrated, sun-stroked husk…
- Next time, piss off to the pub with the iPad, some chips and a large gin & tonic. Boom.
I’m CRYING at human baby calippo!!
me too… but in a ‘sobbing because it’s my life’ kinda way rather than a laughing way.. lol x
Yep, we don’t leave the garden on hot days, and that’s why we haven’t been on holiday since the first was born. The thought of a slimy, whiny toddler full of sugar from the ice-cream bribery is just too much. However, the 8 month old has just stayed with the grandparents for 2 nights with no ill effects so I’m thinking we might ditch the pair of them for a long weekend and head to the nearest, cheapest European capital by ourselves and just keep telling ourselves that “they’d much prefer to be with granny anyway”.Reply
Long child-free weekends away are basically my life goal. #truestory
I reckon once they can be fed normal human food (i.e mashed potatoes) they’re fine to be dumped for a few days. I naively thought I’d miss them the first time…I really, really didn’t.
Hehehehehehe z is insisting he wants to wear socks with trainers right now. Arrrrghhhh!
Well of course! Lol xx
Number 10 … Arrghhh Why did I not read this earlier! Love it.Reply
Heehee x thanks hunny xxx
My boy will happily wear his hat indoors for hours, the second we’re outside it’s No. 4 on that list repeatedly…Reply
Pahahaha 😉 thanks for the comment chap :))Reply
See now I was born in the 70’s (early doors!) and none of the above seemed to apply! Whilst I laugh maniacally at all of these because I’ve been there 3 SODDING TIMES, I can’t visualise my parents getting at all concerned with any – except perhaps no 2. I claim no responsibility for that though – I had a grandad whose idea of a picnic was a full on fry up in a forest! Pack for that with 2 kids under 2 into the bargain. I was never a human callipo but Christ the image will have me laughing for days and attracting stares from strangers! Number one has happened almost every day this week! I’ve always thought it pays to get the fight over with at home (without witnesses)!Reply