There is nothing quite like playtime with a two-year old to make you realise how much of a control freak you are.
Remember before you had children… when your vagina was predominantly on the inside… and you thought you’d be one of those relaxed, chilled out parents who would have relaxed, chilled-out children who just were well behaved and just kept things neat and tidy and shit…Oh how you can laugh about that now…
The sort of manic laughing that turns into crying and rocking and ends with you doing a shot of tequila to the eye…
Yes.As the owner of a ninja-biro-stealing-turd-smearing-migit (cleverly passing herself off as a toddler) who likes to eat play-doh until she’s shitting rainbows across my living room, I can assure you that there is no such thing as a ‘neat’ toddler and anyone who ever says otherwise is lying. And deluded. And clearly not drunk enough.
The truth is I am just a really shit mummy when it comes to crafts, messy play, painting, drawing and frankly any activity where my child has apparatus with which to ruin my *carpet. (*life)
I can’t let go.I can’t relinquish control.
I just can’t do it.
There. I admit it.
I can’t watch her smash the red play-doh into the blue one without physically wincing, calling the entire thing off and spending the next 20 minutes unpicking the two until I’m satisfied no hybrid purple matter remains and my breathing returns to normal.
Despite setting up my dining room like a kill scene from Dexter ready to do ‘painting’ with the toddler *shudders*, I can’t help but notice the vein in my neck throbbing as my blood pressure rises and I sit fighting the urge to PAINT THE F@*KING THING MYSELF IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MIX ALL THE PAINTS UP, SMEAR IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE, ROLL IN IT AND GO HUG THE FRIDGE.
How the f@*k do they notice the one biro you’ve carelessly not quite hidden well enough from across the living room. And why can’t they just stay in the f@*king lines… THE F@*KING LINES.
Crafts… seriously… with toddlers…?! Do people really do this and not mentally break down after the first 20 or 30 seconds…? Why can’t their annoying chubby little hands thread the pasta onto the string? Why not? It’s not hard. Look I’ve just done ten with one hand FFS. Then before you know it, I’m elbow deep in a conchigelle tiara and she’s buggered off to poke a dog in the face.
Also. We don’t do baking anymore.
And we don’t talk about why.
And if anyone so much as utters the words ‘glitter glue’ I break out in hives and have to go lie down in a darkened room for an hour.
So, to anyone who manages any of the above without developing ticks and/or a mild alcohol dependency I salute you.
Yours sincerely (and slightly drunkenly),
The Wanky Play-Doh Inspector and Self-Confessed Shit Craft Mummy
#wankyplaydohinspector
#outdoorvagina
#gin
Yeah. I leave messy play to nursery. They are the messy play ninjas. I'm not.
ReplyAnd my ds likes to eat the crayons. *sob*
Oh yes. Love it when they tuck into a Crayola fest… Lol x
ReplyI keep paints and playdough hidden. Out of sight, out of mind. Kids haven't asked for it in months. My sister-in-law bought my daughter loads of glitter glue for her bday–I was seconds away from snatching them and throwing them out the window. But now they're in hiding too. Why can't kids play nicely and neatly? Animals.
ReplyI know! Why can't they just sit and do something that makes no mess! Lol #nevergonnahappen x
ReplyI shall break the mould and have most well behaved, happy and quiet toddler. I'd bet money on it!! (monopoly money obviously, not real actual cash. Don't be so silly)
ReplyHeehee x that's a bet I'd not be taking if I were you! Lol xx
ReplyHaha I thought it was just me! Sadly 18 years later the fact that I refused to do baking or anything slightly crafty has come back to bite me on the arse big time. I have an 18yo daughter who has no idea how to even turn on an oven let alone cook anything. My weekends away now mean stocking the cupboard with microwave meals, Pot Noodle and some extra cash just in case!
ReplyEek! But hey – at least they'll be leaving home soon right! Lol xx
ReplyHa ha – only you could call a toddler's cute chubby hands annoying! Love it! 3 weeks to go till we bathe in gin! xx
ReplyCounting down the days…. lol #gin
ReplyWe have a 'one colour at a time rule' with Playdoh…! x
ReplyI hear that sister! Lol xx
Replylol! This so used to be me. I think when I had little man I hit some kind of don't give a f£"% any more as long as they are all alive and can now just about cope with a rainbow of colours coming out of the back end of middle man x
ReplyI feel I can aspire to this… Ha!
ReplyMy toddler hates getting messy – what a shame!
ReplyWanna swap…? Yours sounds more practical for my new carpet… Lol 😉 x
ReplyI see Donna has already replied but I was going to say she had written about play-doh rules before!
ReplyWe have shit coloured dough, it does pain me but I remember one colour at a times rules and hated them as a kid as you can't make anything good!
Glitter though – no way!! 😉
At some point I'll have to give in… Or perhaps design some kind of off-site playdoh club we can all go to to save our living rooms! Ha! Xx #notoglitterglue
ReplyBrilliant post! I to am from the 'you can't mix the playdoh colours' camp! That kind of shenanigans is definitely for nursery 🙂 Lx
ReplyToo right missus! Xxx
ReplyWho invented play dough? Was it some evil joker? And thought to add in burger bars and ice cream parlors – some twisted people out there 😉 xx
ReplySomeone American who has hard floors and no soft furnishings… Or children… #truestoru
ReplyI only let the kids play with one play doh colour at a time, to prevent colours being mashed together. Why? Why does it matter, but it really does?! My daughter's now 4 and is very neat with crafts and glue etc., but we do most of it when the 1 year old naps…!
ReplyGlad to see it's paid off in the end! haha x
ReplyHa ha ha! I too have become a wanky play doh inspector. I stupidly showed my toddler that I can make play doh out of flour and now he knows my secret and that play doh doesn't have to be bought at the shops and I am a stupid, stupid fool
Replyrooky mistake… mine thinks it comes from the internet fairies and they are mostly on holiday or wiring towards Xmas currently… 🙂 #win lol! xx
ReplyMy son is only 1 so I haven't met this yet…and I don't think I ever will…because although I'm pretty messy (clothes on the floor, toys out…) I can't bear the thought of mixed up play doh
ReplyIt is defo the playdoh that gets you in the end! Lol xx
ReplyMade the mistake of reading the reference to a prolapsed minge whilst eating Haslet – not a great combination 😉 but seriously if I could be arsed to rename my blog I would call it OCD Dad!!!
ReplyLol 😉 and also Haslet… Wow what wonder pud childhood memories have just been stirred! Ha!
ReplyHahahhaaaa took me absolutely ages and ages and ages to buy playdo for exactly that reason. I then couldn't take it and snuck it to my parents house. They craftily snuck it back. Then it "got lost". Then z found it. Stupid playdo.
Replyhahaha x *craftily hides all playdoh in bag for granny's house….* lol! xxx
ReplyHa ha I love it! Did you learn your parenting style from me? I don't do craft, play doh, glitter, paint, cooking or anything remotely messy. I know I'm a control freak and what's school/nursery for?
ReplyWell exactly 😉 heehee xx
ReplyHaha, I have plah doh OCD, Lego OCD, Hama bead OCD, Felt tip pen OCD and baking OCD to name a few 🙂
Replylol x it goes with the toddler-mummy territory! xx
ReplySo funny and yet so true!! I am trying to let go at the mo for the sake of my blog but sometimes I just can't. My best friend has a neat toddler. She is practically ocd like her mum. Drives me insane!!xxx
Replyha – I bet behind closed doors there's rainbow shit and crayon swallowing galore… #true! LMAO xx
ReplyAwe god, I have tears in my eyes from reading that. Only cause ive lived through ur pain that i can laugh huni. My little sister used to live with me and having a teen and a toddler in the samr building ment I was forever cleaning up crap.
*wasnt till I had to bin a cream sofa that got covered in purple glittery nail polish that she left out for him to find that I officially gave up and decided if I was to stay sane id have to relinquish control.
Ive always been crafty though so he was always around it but its only now hes older he l knows how to contain the mess and keep it all on the table.
It'll get easier though hun. Or there will always be more gin 🙂 xx
ReplyLOL x yes – i"m planning all future furniture to be made of stone. That oughtta do the trick… *wails a bit and reaches for the gin* xx
ReplyI only let my toddler paint semi naked, on nice days……. at the bottom of the garden.
ReplyI see I can learn much from you oh wise one… Lol xx
ReplyI salute you Wanky Playdoh Inspector. I salute you. Great post.
Reply*does little wanky bow* 🙂
Replyha ha had to laugh at the picking the colours apart – the crafts are for the mums really aren't they?
Replyheehee 😉 well of course… lol xx
Replyhaha! I love this, I've got a photo from this week's playdoh session with my 3 year old that will actually make you weep. I'll tweet it to you! x
ReplyI am actually weeping… gonna go open some wine now… 🙂
ReplyLove this! I'm not good with messy crafts and immediately pounce on my 3 year old with a wipe if he get's remotely messy which has kind of caused him to develop a bit of a mess phobia………oooppsss! xx
Replyoh me too funny – who has time for it! lol xxx
ReplyI'm the saaaaaaaame!! HATE playdough with all my heart! Amen!
ReplyAmen to that :))) xx
ReplyYes! We don't have playdough or ANYTHING! They asked for paint the other day, I made up a lie about how paint had been banned from the UK as it was too messy.
ReplyYes – the national paint shortage 😉 I'm sure I've also heard about this… *coughs* lol xx
ReplyThis is fantastic. My snorty laughter just earned me a glare from the wife (who’s trying to concentrate on Revenge).
ReplyI’m OK with messy play. Years of kindergarten (teaching…I didn’t have to keep redoing it…honest) have desensitized me. My poor wife starts with the twitchy eye and a weird tick in her cheek if I so much as hand the baby a loaded spoon.
Pahaha 😉 I am more the twitchy variety also! But salute you for your services to messy play… Lol 😉 thanks for the comment x
ReplyI have 4 boys aged 18,16,14 and 10! Having dealt with not being able to use the video recorder because my eldest tried to stuff as many toys in there as possible to my second boy taking off his nappy and wiping shit all over my newly painted hall walls to my third thinking play-doh was a snack and my fourth using marker pens all over our nice, expensive just bought wooden table I’m really smug when I hear a new parent saying how they are going to be with their precious little darlings!! Knowing by 6 months all that sentimental crap is gone out of the window and it’s all they can do to survive!! Gin is not my choice but brandy is….and lots of it with a straw!!
ReplyLol 😉 you deserve a bloody medal for just surviving lady! *salutes and sends brandy*
ReplyOh no, I am rarely brave enough for crafts and cookery. We’ve got an aqua draw so my toddler sits on the floor and thinks she’s painting and thinks it could be messy. The reality? No chance.
Replylol – we used to have one of those… it lasted a few weeks at best before she started attacking it with a marker pen… *sigh* haha
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