Parenting is tough.
Really [email protected]*king tough.
You don’t imagine for a second when you’re pregnant that having a tiny baby to look after will take you to the brink of sanity, test you emotionally, mentally and physically, and make you eat whole Toblerones dressed like a tramp most days…. But it does.
However. That’s no excuse to be a dick.
Because being a dick. Is for dicks.
So here’s my handy checklist of ways you can just be a normal person who’s had a baby. And not be a dick:
- If no-one’s dead, you’re still laughing, and you’ve actually made it out of the house before midday once this week, trust me – you’re doing a [email protected]*king amazing job. If you spend your time telling everyone that your baby’s favourite food is kale, they speak four languages, and by the age of 6-months they can proficiently use an iPhone… Then sorry. You’re a dick.
- When people come to visit, removing any actual faeces from the floor/your face and ensuring you have pants on is enough. If they’re good friends; they’ll bring cake, offer to stick the kettle on and piss off before it gets awkward when you’ve fallen asleep mid sentence. Pretending you live in a show home and wear a bra every day is for dicks.
- There’s plenty of funny, relevant and helpful stuff out there on the internet, however… Articles such as ‘Telling your daughter she’s pretty will [email protected]*k up her life forever!’, ‘Kissing your children will turn them into sex-addicts!’ and ‘If you do controlled crying you are a whore and will die alone. ALONE!!’ …are all titles I just don’t need to be e-mailed or tagged in on Facebook. Thanks.
- Once a human-being has launched themselves at speed through your vagina, fitting back into your size-10-jeans is about as high up the priority list as making your own humous. Because no real-life people actually do this. Unless they are frickin’ athletes, celebrities or are talking bollocks out of their previously-taut-vaginas.
- Instagram is not real… it’s where people photoshop their lives into Amaro-filtered bullshit with flawless skin, children that never cry, pre-run trainer-selfies and pictures of tiny [email protected]*king croissants. If it was real, it would mostly be wine, blotchy-teary-cake-faced-parents, and snotty toddlers with one sock on staring at CBeebies… (Incidentally, my Instagram feed is all of these things. #truestory)
- When you see someone’s toddler having an epic level-5 meltdown in public, do not do any of the following things: sigh, roll your eyes, raise your eyebrows, tut, make a sad face, go up to the toddler and in a strange patronising voice ask ‘What has Mummy done to you my poor little lamb?!’ because trust me when I tell you this – AT MANY POINTS IN YOUR FUTURE TODDLER-MUMMY LIFE THAT WILL BE YOU. So try quietly not giving a shit and getting on with your own life.
- When the lady at the baby-group starts asking for advice because her 3-day old baby hasn’t slept through the night yet… Just smile… You were there once… awkwardly assuming babies actually slept and other RIDICULOUS MAGICAL BULLSHIT. Hug some gin and look forward to the hourly wake up calls from your 9-month old later. Just because he feels like smiling at you. All night.
- I’m all for gender neutral – but sometimes the ‘anti-pink-police’ need to [email protected]*k off. My little girl loves trains and can’t get enough of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but sometimes, just sometimes, she actually DOES just want to play with dollies and dress up as a princess. And sometimes boys just [email protected]*king like diggers. These things do not make parents satan.
- Parent forums exist so you can slag off your kids and cry with other parents semi-anonymously… But turning into a Mummy-McTwatty-Judgey-Pants, offering holier-than-now advice, and commenting on shit you have no idea about with the first link you found on Google is totally dick-ish. (Obvs feel free to share this post though… Wink, wink, nudge nudge.)
- Your online life is mostly about posting pictures of rashes, commenting of pictures of rashes and googling rashes. Oh and selling baby clothes for £1 and waiting in all day for people to not bother collecting them from you… That’s my total fave. I love that. Those people are definitely dicks.
- And finally. If you haven’t found any of this funny then I’m afraid you’re probably a dick.
So hey – despite the odd occasion where you just can’t help it, (I know… even I once tried to make humous…) let’s just try not be dicks. And have some wine.
Yes. Yes. And yes. To all of the above.Reply
lol 😉 *nods back knowingly*Reply
I just love reading your posts. I am not a mummy, well actually I am to a 29 year old but also now known as Nante to two beautifil little darlings, and I use that phrase in spirit of your blogs, (although they are). When my daughter was little there was no social media and no blogs so we all thought we were crap parents and suffered alone. My favourite blog of yours was the one about meal times, I have shown it to all my friends, we love it. I still read it and scream with laughter. What’s comforting is that nothing changes, children will always take you to the edge of sanity (despite the decade) and always will. Keep those stories comingReply
heehee – thanks os much for taking the time to comment! I love that one too… amazing how much it resonated with people! I agree – blogging is a fab way to show (and feel yourself) that you are not alone!! xxReply
a very true and hysterically funny piece …my kid does not want kids and says she does not know how people raise small brats LOLReply
Love it! You’re so right. All these people are total and utter dicks (except the small jeans people – I fit into my size 8s 3 weeks after giving birth – I’m just weird OK, it’s my natural shape – sorry!).Reply
haha! Thanks lovely xxReply
And by mentioning it your a dick :pReply
Ha ha very funny. Wonder if I can add a few for you (not sure if yours are school ages yet)Reply
I’m glad your 3 year old can count to a fucking million and knows the Greek alphabet (disclaimer: I may well be elaborating on what they told me their son can do) but please stop being a dick about it
If your two really do love fish stir fry with broccoli in it then good on you but mine don’t the like chicken nuggets so please stop being a dick about it
Oh dear turns out i could go on all day………….just going to clean house from top to bottom and get dinner ready for husbands return from work………only joking going to put kettle on and read the rest of your posts xx
There are soooo many! lol 😉 enjoy the rest of it. I count any day from Thursday to MOnday except bale to order takeaway so not much cooking goes on here that’s for sure! lol 🙂 xReply
Brilliant, just brilliant!Reply
ha! Thank you xxxReply
Hey Dickface – look at me reading a blog! And commenting! I think the world might be about to end… anyway. Love this. kxReply
Pahahaha 😉 x you just couldn’t resist with a title like that could you babes! I feel truly honoured :)) xxReply
This is brilliant and spot on! 😉 xReply
Heehee x thank you :))) xReply
Simply brilliant! @mydanishbabyReply
Aww thank you! XxxReply
Absolutely genius bloody brilliant post. Yours may have just become my new favourite blog 😉Reply
Gosh thanks lovely! 😉 xxReply
Totally. Except the part about fitting back into your size 10 jeans.Reply
That was one of my priorities
Worked so hard to get back again – took me ages
Ha x it was more getting back into them 3 days after giving birth… Lol x it took me a year the first time! This time… I’m not sure I really care 😉 lol xxReply
This is THE definitive dick list. All the other dick lists are now just dicks ;). I think you are doing just great babe! At the risk of sounding like a dick I love that he just wakes so he can smile at you (heart melts) xxReply
Haha x now that is a complement 😉 lol x heehee… You might not think it was cute the 400th night in a row… *cry-yawns*Reply
Absolutely LOVE this blog…. Sitting here (in staple mum wardrobe black leggings) with my 12 week old son and three-nager daughter having a meltdown, and I am laughing so much (mild incontenence from childbirth always a concern) thank you!! :-))Reply
Lol! No problem hunny xx thank you for finding me! XxReply
I loved this post! Sharing on Twitter. XReply
Yay! Thanks sweetie xxxReply
This just really made me lol! Number 10 is my life!Reply
Pahahaha xxx thanks for commenting hunny 🙂Reply
Love love love. I will shareReply
Thank you! :))) xReply
Very amusing. I know a couple of number 9’s for sure!Reply
Oh Lordy me too… Lol xxReply
Oh Lordy me too… Lol 😉Reply
Oh Lordy… Me too! lol xxReply
lol 😉 we all know someone… heehee xReply
Thank Christ for this and you. XxReply
Lol! Thank you! XxxReply
I was actually considering making hummus tomorrow. It’s not gonna happen, is it.Reply
Pahahaha xxx that made me laugh!Reply
This is just brilliant!!!! I knew one ‘dick’ that got up at 5am to make sure that even her skirting boards were clean as well as the rest of the house!!!Reply
Woah… Lol xxxReply
I wish I’d read this 7 years ago when I was a young bleary eyed mum with three snot bags under the age of 5! Trying to compete with dicks and keep hold of my child free friends! Very refreshing! Now my friends are bleary eyed and I smugly swan around with wheetabix free hair! Yet I still deal with 3 lads, toilet lids not being lifted (which I’ve now told them is a criminal offence!!) wet towels left on my dry washing! Footballs smashing my glass lanterns and next doors greenhouse!! (Oooops!) generally mud everywhere and most of my weekend spent watching football matches (yeay! Go! Kick it! My quiet enthusiasm from the side lines while I sit in my camping chair looking at Facebook! Drinking my flask of tea wishing it was vodka!)Reply
I look forward to reading more of your blog and making myself feel normal!
Hahahaha xxx thank you for reading and commenting lovely 😉 xx makes me feel normal too! Lol xReply
Oh God Kathryn, with 2 son’s and a football mad husband this is going to be me!! Whyyy is the season in the freezing cold winter?! Hey ho, a while off yet so I should enjoy the warmth of God knows what that is wiped down my leg and sick in my hair while it lasts 😉 xxReply
I love this.. brilliant!! Beinv a mum of 17month old twins i can totally relate xxxReply
Haha x thanks for reading lovely 😉 xReply
Aww thank you hunny xxxReply
Excellent article! Nice to know we aren’t dicks!Reply
heehee x Always a nice feeling! xxReply
Bloody brilliant xxReply
Thank you xxxReply
Brilliant, I love this, and can spot the dickishness you speak of a mile away!!Reply
lol… I know right! xReply
Maybe all the ‘dicks’ are just doing what they need to do to get by, maybe cleaning the house or fitting into pre-pregnancy jeans makes them feel better about life, more ready to tackle motherhood. Maybe somewhere on another blog, you’re a dick. I’m pretty bored with mums calling out other mums for being mums to be honest. Live and let live.Reply
I think you’ve missed the point (or not bothered to read it more likely!)… as you are basically agreeing with me lovely…!? 😉 xReply
I think I’m going to become a blog reader. This made me ROAR!! My thee send me dulally. And ‘dick’ is my fave insult (it started with my sister’s ex husband Richard, now known ‘affectionately’ as The DI.C.K.!)
Re #9 – it was my 2 almost 3 yr old son having said epic meltdown at school drop off. He didn’t want to leave the school and one b*tch of a mother actually dared speak out loud her dislike of such a ‘ racket .’Reply
hahaha x you should do! there’s a whole bunch of bloggers out there keeping it real… heehee x thanks for the comment lovely xxReply
Oh my word I’ve no idea why people say I’m a brave blogger cos I ain’t this brave!!! Loved it. Clearly gonna share but erm…um…how do I say this…[looks down at her shoes]…been making my own hummus since my 11 yo was a baby and erm…um…[dies slowly inside]…my instapics have a LOT of croissants in them. They’re fooking huge though.
Found this after spotting a convo between you and Mrs Mummy Penny on Twitter!!Reply
lol x i forgive you! thanks for finding me :))) xxxReply
Love this. I managed to blow dry my hair this morning and was feeling smug…I’m now covered in baby porridge whilst my 5 month old is grunting, filling his nappy on my lap. Smugness decimated!Reply
It’s mummy karma… We’re all doomed if we attempt any kind of looking nice… Lol xReply
i might not be such a bad mummy after all … thanks for the laugh!!Reply
Heehee x of course not babes! You are welcome 🙂 xxReply
Amazing is all. from a mummy of a drama queen 4 year old and a colicy 8months oldReply
Ha x thanks Hun 😉 xxxReply
I’m not even a mummy yet and this made me roar with laughter!! I’ve seen friends put up with said dickish behaviour though!!Reply
Ha x it happens way more than you’d think! Lol xxxReply
Legend observations! Love the way you write, read and shared this morning have just re read as a friend shared too. Just made me laugh again thankyouReply
Aww thanks hunny! :)))) xReply
Haha too funny mate 🙂 xxReply
Thanks! 😉 xReply
Enjoyed this. It all comes down to confidence that you are doing the best that you can, the confidence to relax and not worry what other people think. “Dicks” lack this and feel that they need to proove that they are doing a good job.Reply
You’re probably right hunny 😉 xx thanks for reading! XxxReply
Just love this. So true. Its a wonder any of us survive parenthoodReply
Thank you xxxReply
Only thing extra I do is if it seems appropriate, go up to the Mum with the screaming tantrum of a toddler in the shop and quietly say ‘You’re doing fab’….sometimes it can make more difference than you know Reply
Yes – being told you’re doing a good job can be so reassuring! Parenting is hard! XxReply
I have a badge just for you. Haha. How do I message you to send it?
Another case of being a dick: turning up without wine. X ok on a Monday morning. (Just) and MAYBE if you’re the health visitor. But on a Saturday night? WTF?!?!?Reply
Now that is just RUDE! Lol x you could inbox me on Facebook?? XxReply
Hi Joo Mum and I just read that, cant stop laughing, we have known a lot of dicks. By the way the latest news is that Fear of Offending someone is being classified as a Mental Illness !! AND there are now SO MANY people wearing Hi Viz coats that no one notices them any more !!!
Heehee x glad you both enjoyed it! XxReply
Hahaha, this made me laugh so bloody hard this morning 😀 Thanks for writing this, so true a gazillion times over!!Reply
Mum of 3, I also swear like a bloody sailor, and amazingly my kids do not – well, at least not often 😀
I live in a house of chaos, I like to think it is ordered chaos, but that I fear is only my subconscious trying to delude myself, and it is in fact just chaos.
Fabulous piece of writing 🙂
Hahaha x thanks for reading it lovely :)) xxxReply
Everytime I read a post of yours I feel slightly more normal, and find myself smiling and nodding along as I read along. XReply
Ha 😉 glad to hear it sweetie xxx thanks for reading!Reply
‘Says fuck and vagina alot’ . My hero.Reply
Even though I am now a grandma of 5 from 23 down to 1, I loved your blog and could identify with all of it. Keep up the good work. But PS, if anybody boasts about making Humus…they are a d…., as it is one of the easiest things in the world to make.Reply
Heehee x thanks for reading! Lol! 😉 xxxReply
I found this hilarious so I’m not a dick *smug face*Reply
Actually, I am a bit of a dick.
Very funny and so true. Love it. 🙂 X
Thanks sweetie 😉 you’re defo not a dick missus! I’d even forgive you if you made humous – true story x lolReply
haha this is amazing i love it, im a 34 year old daddy of 6 soon to be 7 wonderfull kids but as wonderfull as they are they can and will at times drive me and my wife totally insane, 😀 so everything i just read up there is about as honest as the truth about parenting can get, thanks to the writer for giving me a good laugh this morning ill try an find more from this blogger ive not laughed so much in ages lol 😀Reply
Haha! That’s great to hear – thanks so much for reading xxReply
Sooo [email protected]☆king true!!! Love it!!Reply
Pahahaha xx thanks lovely 😉Reply
We call them the Mummy Mafia at our school gates! Or sometimes “STOP PARKING YOUR CHELSEA TRACTOR IN THE DROP OFF ZONE YOU WANKER!”
Laughed lots, thanks babe!
Lol 😉 you are welcome sweetie :)))Reply
I loved this, really made me laugh! Another thing I would add to the dick list is mothers-in- law that interfere with everything and tell you several times a day how disgustingly dirty everything in your house is. Maybe shouldn’t have said that but I need to vent!Reply
Hahaha x yep. That too! Lol xxReply
i’ve not spoken to my mother for a year over things like this and i know it sounds mean but i’m happier without her.Reply
Where have you been all my parenting – phase life?! This is bang on, hit the nail on the head hilarious! Will instantly become a follower!Reply
Aww thanks babes :))) xReply
Thank you for this!!! Yes, yes, and thousand times YES!Reply
Hahaha 😉 thanks babes xReply
I can’t believe I have only just found your blog this has been the only thing to put a smile on my face today! Mine are 3 and 5 and today I would happily sell them for a bottle of wine – or maybe even half! I want to scream and shout at the utter idiot that thought we needed to put clocks back, or forward .. what ever has happened its shit!!! Please write a blog about this :0) I wish I had found this when mine were babies you are absolutely spot on and is always so refreshing when someone is honest. I am literally counting the minutes until I can have wine today and so I can pass out until the night time play fun begins! It makes me want to laugh hysterically when I think back to that first year and how I was convinced that once they slept through the night more than once that was it … I had cracked it and sleep would return … HHAAAAAHHHHHHAAA Biggest joke of all time! thank you for making my day bearable today, instead of working today I will be going through all your posts :0) p.s. apologies if I sounds slightly hysterical … I am!Reply
Pahaha x gosh thank you hunny! I’m v glad you found me too! Lol x here’s to Monday wine o’clock 😉 heehee xxxReply
Most of the points are true for me, esp 10!Reply
Be careful what you wish because sooner or later those little ‘darlings’ become teenagers. That too passes and just when you begin to think life is not so bad after all they shift to the other side of the world, out of reach, and you would give anything to be with them sometimesReply
Oh Hun – that made me really sad! I’d never wish that on anyone lovely x mine drive me nuts sometimes but I love them quite irrationally xxxReply
This made me giggle!Reply
I have an almost 3 month old and I’ve had ‘dickish’ people say things like ‘oo you’ve got your work cut out for you now’ or ‘God you look tired, do you want me to take the baby away for a couple of hours?’
Do they think we didn’t know it would be difficult? I don’t care if I look or am tired, no one is going anywhere with my baby dumbass.
Heehee x thanks for the comment lovely 😉 xxxReply
i’m a dad, but i love this, made me lol my tits(pectoral muscles 😉 ) off.Reply
Ha 😉 thanks!Reply
Absolutely love this! Well done for saying what we all think on a daily if not hourly basis 😉Reply
Ha 😉 thanks for reading!Reply
So I’m 4 months pregnant and my mum actually just shared this blog post to me! Think she’s trying to tell me something!!! Well do t worry Mum you’ve got me well and truly shit scared now! I think I’ll call in sick to work today just so I can bank up some sleep as by the sounds of it I’m never sleeping again!! And don’t worry – I won’t be a dick!!Reply
Lol 😉 xx I promise once you’ve had the baby you’ll come back and read this post and probably just be nodding along… heehee xxxReply
Loved this last year and shared it on facebook just reread it now … still.mucho hilaire. My lad is now 12.5 and the challenges are new and different. Just though you might have missed a trick by not adding a recipe for houmous … love Jem xxxReply
Lol 😉 thanks for reading! Again! XxxReply