You’ve had a baby.
And it is now yours and your-multi-human-producing-vagina’s god given right to social media the living shit out of your parenting journey. As smugly as possible. And here’s my guide on how to do it. *smug face**
- You have Snapchat. But because you’re over the age of 19, you don’t have any intention of actually sending any ‘Snaps’. You’ll just be using it on a daily basis to take photos of you and your baby as dogs. And posting it all over your other social media channels. Obviously.
- Just in case someone misses the photo you just posted of your baby, be sure to provide an entire selection of almost identical BUT CLEARLY VERY OBVIOUSLY ENTIRELY DIFFERENT poses. And if you still aren’t receiving an appropriate amount of likes and comments, start liking your own photos. And tagging everyone you know. They’ll like that.
- No. You can’t answer phone calls. BECAUSE YOU’VE HAD A [email protected]*KING BABY. So you’re far too busy using your phone to tweet about how shit your life is now you can’t wear a real bra anymore. (hashtag sad face)
- Dedicate at least one Pinterest board to what your house would look like if you hadn’t had children… With cushions, faeces-free surfaces and a living room that isn’t arranged primarily around a Jumperoo… Feel free to cry and do shots while pinning.
- No-one gets bored of babies in sun glasses. Or hats. Ever. (But they still prefer kittens)
- In the same way they absolutely NEVER get bored of your witty baby related hashtags. #myfannymadehim
- When your baby doesn’t look cute enough…? Don’t worry. There’s an Instagram filter for that.
- Instagram likes are more important than real friends. Especially those who don’t have children and go on long haul holidays and have labias that are mostly on the inside and stuff…
- You now sell everything your baby no longer needs through a Facebook site. Which means spending about three hours a day begin called ‘hun and telling people NO. You won’t take a tenner for your £600 buggy, and pointing out that if they want something in brand new condition that’s never been used they will have to GO TO A [email protected]*KING SHOP AND BUY A NEW ONE LIKE THE REST OF US.
- When you need a simple question answered be sure to post it in every Facebook mummy forum you belong to… Because that is far quicker than just googling it… Yeah…
- You used to need 12 white wines and a pint of tequila to be up for a fight. Now all you need is for someone to criticise your parenting abilities or call your baby ugly on facebook and YOU WILL HUNT THEM DOWN AND CUT THEM. Or unfriend them and just fantasise about the other stuff in bed. While you’re not sleeping. Forever.
- Shit. Someone you went to school with has a really frigging cute baby and their Instagram feed is way better than yours. You’ll punish them by not liking a single one of their pictures. Ever. Yeah. TAKE THAT slightly-above-average-attractive people I did my GCSEs with. *cries and does a calpol shot*
- Remember. Funny always trumps cute. So if your baby face plants or poos their own body weight down your face, don’t help them. Take a photo. And get it on facebook. With a witty caption. And be sure to check back every 13 seconds or so throughout the day/night to see how many people like it.
- Purchase at least one outfit a season purely with the intention of making your child look utterly ridiculous for a photo. Nothing says Instagram the shit out of me like a baby dressed as a pumpkin.
- Your social life actually is a WhatsApp group. And you don’t even care. And when you do, you spend the night tweeting about it.
- You say Snapchat. I say vagina selfie. Or velfie.
I don't have instagram…which is the only reason I can hold my head up high right now *ahem* *rushes to deleted 10285933 baby photos from facebook* *does another shot of calpol*Reply
*joins in with calpol shots* :)))Reply
My kids aren't babies anymore; ten and eleven year old's just aren't as cute and my sixteen year old would grunt and refuse to have her picture taken if I asked. The only pictures they want are selfies and who wants to see a pic of a pouting wannabe model trying and failing to look natural/cool/popular and a little bit constipated all at the same time? I'm part of this media circus but if feels bloody odd lol.Reply
Love this! When I first had Facebook I felt slightly jealous that I'd had my kids pre-FB and couldn't share bump pics/ newborn pics etc with the world. Now I'm pleased none of this stuff existed then (although I'll never get many likes on Instagram for my floor tiles!).Reply
I promise to like you floor tiles. Honest 😉 xReply
This was a funny post, especially the punishment for the above average good looking kids – not one like for them. Social media is a bit ridiculous like that. Agree on the whatsapp group I have one of those and it keeps us, a group of 6 mums/friends entertained. LauraReply
haha – I agree. Totally ridiculous! 😉 lol xxxReply
Actually your fanny made him would be incorrect *consults wanky clipboard* it was your uterus.;) This made me laugh out loud and almost made me want to do a sisterly velfie – almost! xxReply
#velfie #velfie #velfie lol!Reply
Velfie? Do it do it chug chug chugReply
LOL. (ok then) xReply
Someone say Calpol shots?! I’m in!Reply
I can knock a rack of 10 down without flinching.
And I use the filter in Instagram. Mainly cos my eldest isn’t massively photogenic. When you ask him to smile, he goes all ‘Chandler Bing’ on me.
One of the reasons why I need those shots.
lush post! Fecking hilarious!x
pahahaha x thanking you sweetie :))) xReply
I think I will never snort tea so genuinely ever again! I’m guilty as charged but had I not be on social media I wouldn’t have found you. 😀 Best thing I will share ever!Reply
Ha! Well thank you 😉 and thanks Facebook :))) xReply
*been* Couldn’t write properly for tea phlegm..Reply
This is hilarious, I did read a bit out to my MIL, and she just kind of looked shocked. I am now sitting giggling very smugly, as it is so funny. I have so not liked peoples photos, the social media equivalent of the two finger salute, like they will ever give an actual shit. As for Calpol shots, I’m all out, but I’m sure a Calprofen syringe to the eyeball will ave the same effect *so off I go to find it, and give the MIL something else to sigh about*. In fact, I’ll double dose, cos I am well ‘ard.
I think if my MIL even knew I wrote this blog she’d probably have a seizure… lol xReply
Crying with laughter and just a little bit scared of you.Reply
You should be… Mwahahahaha x just kidding! Thanks for the comment 🙂Reply