The threenager’s guide to conducting yourself at birthday parties.

Dear fellow party-goers, fruit-shoot seekers and appreciators of naked-cake-time,

Birthday parties present a unique opportunity… and done right can result in you eating cake all day, whilst dancing to the rhythm of your own awesomeness, wearing nothing but your hair glitter. *fist pump*

Simply follow my advice…

Attire:
Less is not more. Three tiaras is not too many. The correct shoes, cape, gloves and 6ft of white hair WILL be required for you to make your full transformation into Elsa. Which will mainly involve you ‘Letting it Go’ around a church hall covered in jam, tears and something dubiously sticky from one corner of the bouncy castle…

Become distraught if you show up and you’re not the only Elsa. How could this have happened? You sent a very specific memo out via Whats App. Round up and have all the other Elsas stripped and killed. (And made to look like an accident). THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Later on. Hide your shoes. Mummy loves that. Especially when she finds them welded into your fake hair via some unrecognisable toddler serum.

Activities/Entertainment:
Once you’ve established your spot on the bouncy castle, you don’t move for ANYTHING OR ANYONE. Line a perimeter with your own urine and bounce with your angry face on. (use snot bubbles for extra effect) This will help Mummy know you’re having a good time.

If there is an actual ‘entertainer’, get full value from this by pretending YOU are in fact the birthday child. Be very insistent. Use your hair and teeth as a weapon if necessary. Or whatever.

There’s always a group of younger toddlers who can’t quite keep up during organised activities…  make them your bitches. Use them to claim territory and hold ground while you take regular fruit-shoot-induced toilet breaks. Also blame the turd in the play tent on them. BECAUSE IT WAS THEM.

Food:
Perform strategic ‘hovering’ early on during the party to establish optimum positioning. You want to choose a seat within reaching distance of the birthday girl/boy (where the cake will be…), but be in ‘grabbing range’ of the Pom Bears and the party rings, while still being able to keep an eye on the present table and bouncy castle… In case anyone f@*ks with your plan to ‘bounce’ the good ones open in that sticky patch later whilst making it look like an accident.

If some idiot has put some carrot and cucumber sticks out amongst the real food, just laugh it off. And have another tablespoonful of jam… Make sure you eat enough sugar that you think you can fly and feel free to wee freely wherever you’re standing. BECAUSE YOU CAN. YOU ARE A F@*KING ICE QUEEN.

Gifting
Insist you do not understand the concept of gifting. You would have picked some bit of crap you didn’t want if you’d realised it was in fact a present for the birthday girl… Bitch. Whine so much that Mummy has to have some wine, which placates her just enough that she doesn’t care what your unwrap now. Or how naked you are. #winning

Be sure to fight, purely out of principle, with another child over an identical party bag. Just to keep everyone on their toes. (And shit.) And also be sure to demand an extra slice of birthday cake following that particularly traumatic play tent poo you may or may not have had earlier.

So that’s it… Thank me later when you’re Lord of of your own sparkly-naked-Frozen-themed-cake-kingdom. And be sure to snapchat me some selfies.

Much love, WallyBubba xxx