If you’re the parent to a toddler or pre-schooler right now, then you’ll need this. Here’s how to be a Mummy to babies born in the twenty-teens.
- First things first you’ll need some Uggs. To wear with your leggings. And some converse and jeggings for ‘special occasions’.
- Your main outgoing besides wine and your mortgage is re-buying Sophie the Giraffe. Seriously… where do they all go…?! Probably the same graveyard as all the bastard VTech Walkers with their missing twatting green phones.
- You used a Bumbo. On your coffee table. Without the strap. *pauses and waits for gasps of shock and horror* (And lied about it)
- Your social life exists on Whatsapp. And joining local mummy Facebook groups simply for ‘entertainment’ so you can watch when a fight breaks out as one lone mum asks if it’s ok to use a Bumbo on her coffee table… shit.
- You own the Annabel Karmel baby & toddler recipe book. It’s still there on your shelf… Scowling at you and your chicken dippers… Full of good intentions and broken dreams…
- You do swimming classes just to get the underwater ‘Nirvana Baby’ picture. Even though you’ve had to remortgage your house to pay for them…
- You spend about an hour each night reading The Gruffalo by the light of the Gro-Clock hoping that your Gro-blind will somehow make your child sleep past 6am one day… #stillfuckingwaiting
- You’ve read all the articles about getting Calpol free… But somehow you still pay for it… You don’t really know why… You bloody rebel.
- Your child was weaned on Ella’s Kitchen pouches and maybe possibly some Chicken McNuggets. Because they officially cancel each other out. YES. THEY DO.
- Baby Sensory. Baby Signing. Baby Gymnastics. Baby Raves. And a Peppa-Twatting-Pig-Bastard-Aqua-Doodle. You can’t pretend this wasn’t your life for the first two years…
- Along with Snooze-Shading up your iCandy/Bugaboo Travel System complete with your Mummy-Clip, Pottette and Mini-Micro Scooter. All of which fit neatly in your (probably Japanese) MPV.
- Your living room was coordinated around a Jumperoo for the first year (even when they stop using it at around 9 months…). And now your Facebook timeline is co-ordinated around people trying to sell the bastard things. Along with people running marathons, asking you to sign petitions and completely hilarious awesome blogs you should definitely all follow… *coughs*
- Your key achievements as a parent have been getting your children to an age that your can be one of the ‘At-The-Side-With-A-Latte’ Mums. And you regularly discuss with your mum-friends that the main drawbacks of your life are that there is no late-night-soft-play restaurant in walking distance where you can be a ‘At-The-Side-With-A-Wine’ Mum. #firstworldproblems
- All your kids’ crockery and cutlery comes from IKEA. Where you go to feed and entertain them for £1.
- And your ability to entertain them elsewhere mostly relies on the CBeebies or YouTube app on the iBabysitterPad.
- Your future hopes and goals for them are that by the time they go to school they’ll be out of Sock-ons and Skibz, with a penchant for a mean Babychino which they drink whilst playing with a selection of gender neutral toys and a fat Barbie ordered with an Amazon Prime account. The End. Boom.