I’m never sure whether to publish posts like this.
They wait in my ‘drafts’ folder staring at me. Full of things I’m never sure if I want to share, or if I’d rather keep hidden away once the words are written… so I don’t have to be reminded of them again.
But if blogging has taught me anything – it’s that opening up about my own experiences can be therapy not only for me, but for the thousands of people who might read about them.
So I will.
Because it’s baby loss awareness week and if I can’t share, then I’m not going to help to raise awareness of something that is so common, that so many people go through, and so few people talk about.
I’m a statistic now.
A 50/50 mum.
Two miscarriages. Two healthy children.
I hate that more than anything else about it. That number.
That’s the bit that rings around my head when I do catch my thoughts wandering there.
I’m completely fine now. My second miscarriage was back in June and I had so much support from my family, friends and through my blog that I am so incredibly grateful for. Opening up helped me so much. But it doesn’t mean I’m not still sometimes sad about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes think about it. And when I do have those little dark unexpected moments it is those numbers – that I’m a 50/50 mum – that plays really heavily on my mind.
I have seen so many powerful posts from amazingly strong women and men in the face of baby loss this week – some so tragic and extreme that it is truly humbling – so whilst I am sad for the two babies I have lost, I am so incredibly grateful for the two beautiful healthy babies I have. For them I am more thankful than words in a blog-post could ever say.
For me now… the inevitable question – will I ever have more children?
The simple and genuine answer is I don’t know.
I’m terrified to go through it again. Maybe because of the numbers – I know my statistics tell me I’m as likely to lose a baby as I am to have a healthy pregnancy now. And it’s a feeling I can’t ignore.
I don’t know when I’ll be ready. Or if I ever will.
I also know that if I ever did fall pregnant again, any chance I had of relaxing and enjoying the early stages of pregnancy has been ripped from me now. I’ll only ever presume the worst. It gives me anxiety even thinking about it. So I know that right now I’m not strong enough to go there again. I don’t really know if I’ll ever be. Even though it makes me sad to think I’ll regret not trying.
Everyone deals with baby loss differently. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with things. I just think that you should talk when need to, cry when you need to, offer support to others where you can and be as open as you comfortable.