Hat Avoidance and Other Key Skills for Babies and Toddlers this Winter.

Dear fellow babies, toddlers and other members of the anti-hat movement, Winter is coming…. (well, actually it’s here.) And with it… *shudders* … mittens. Along with ridiculous headwear provided by your parents with the sole aim of ridiculing you on social media, while somewhere in the future your 18-year-old self dies a little and ponders if this was the moment you became destined to die alone surrounded by cats, …

I think I was a little bit shit today

  I think I was a little bit shit today… That I didn’t quite love you enough, In quite the right way. Perhaps it’s all the whining, And the countless sleepless nights. Making me constantly question myself… ‘Am I doing alright?!’ Did I pay enough attention, Did we spend too long at home? Did I notice all the things you did, Or was I distracted …

A Normal Mummy’s Guide to How NOT to Use Baby & Toddler Selling Sites

  Facebook selling sites. An annoying yet necessary element of modern parenting. Where a small minority of ‘normal’ folk roam (you know this because you are on there, although that may actually be ‘it’.) but sadly for the most part is full of time-wasters, hopeless dreamers, pyramid selling schemes and people who have badly knitted ugly things, whilst drunk, that they think other people should give them money for… …

A Guide to Life at 10-Months Old…

  My advice for life at 10 months old, Is to never back down or do as your told. Make Mummy work for the love she receives, It’s time she said goodbye to pooing alone and hot teas. She needs to understand, You simply CANNOT be contained. F@*k the bumbo, stick your highchair up your arse, ‘NO. I DO NOT BLOODY RESPOND TO MY OWN …

Rainy Day Activities for Lazy Mums and Dads.

It’s October. It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s mostly grey. And raining. And shit. And like many, I know the days spent entertaining the baby and toddler at home by myself are likely to increase now that winter is on it’s way… As I can’t be fucked to find the rain-cover and spend several hours working out how to re-attach the foot-muff to the buggy. So. …

I wouldn’t normally write this kind of post… It feels wrong even giving it a title… but watching post after post appear in my Facebook timeline as so many anguished friends, friends of friends, and fellow mums revealed their experiences with baby-loss, I felt compelled to write something. I’m the first to complain after a shitty tantrum-filled day, or a sleepless night, or my 3-year …

How to be a Parent. Without Being a Dick.

Parenting is tough. Really f@*king tough. You don’t imagine for a second when you’re pregnant that having a tiny baby to look after will take you to the brink of sanity, test you emotionally, mentally and physically, and make you eat whole Toblerones dressed like a tramp most days…. But it does. However. That’s no excuse to be a dick. Because being a dick. Is …

Sunday After Kids

Here’s a little poem, About Sunday After Kids. Forget about those lie-ins, And start thinking skids. Try not to remember, When you slept until gone ten. Watched what YOU wanted on telly, Then headed to bed again… You spent your day relaxing, Eating chocolate without hiding in the loo. You could wallow in the bath-tub And be alone when you went for a poo. Maybe …

The Era of Clingy.

I love my boy. And I’ve begun with that statement so this post doesn’t appear entirely negative/wingey/whiney/winey (mostly winey) etc etc from start to finish. But. Seriously. I NEED MY RIGHT HIP BACK. And use of my right arm. And in fact the entire right side of my body. Along with the right to wear my hair in something other than a ponytail every once …

All Hail The Jumperoo

All hail the magical Jumperoo, The mystical ring of neglect(-eroo). The giver of time, the taker of stress, The circumference of confinement that creates no mess. It traps all the babies with its rainforest joys, Fuck knows why I bothered with any other toys?! It lets you sit down, use both hands, and pretend, You’ve got your shit together, Jumperoo is your best friend. Who …