My child turns 10 months old today. And to celebrate* she has cut her first tooth, and decided to completely alter every bit of her ‘ordinary’ behaviour… just to make me look like an idiot who has no clue what I’m doing. (again)
*when I say celebrate what I actually mean is scream until she pukes or shits, or both… but let’s not split hairs eh?!
She seems to have suddenly aged almost over night. All remanence of the helpless little newborn I once produced has well and truly disappeared, and what is left is one tough, feisty little bastard with some serious manipulation skills and an awesome sense of humour.
Shit… I think she’s actually turning into… me…
She crawls at the speed of light from one end of my living room to the other; ripping everything from head-height and below from its previous location. She hurls herself up my dining room step using her own face for leverage before rearranging my kitchen cupboards, feasting on any remaining kitty food and racing the cats to the cat-flap. So far they’ve out-run her but I fear it won’t be long… I’m not sure quite how to break it to them… Their only chance of survival is high ground.
To add insult to injury we’ve had to completely do away with her newborn carseat as she not only didn’t ‘fit’ it any longer, but had actually started to eat parts of it, and had worked out how to pick the lock using a BickiePeg…
The jumperoo has been officially dismantled, (by a team of professionals via scaffolding of course) and packed away for the supposed ‘next baby’. A thought which sends shivers down my spine but simultaneously I’m keen to ‘get out of the way’ as soon as possible… I’ve even ordered a new buggy so that I’m ready for the death penalty, I mean second child, so that I can convert to a tandem as soon as it arrives. What the hell is wrong with me??
She also barely fits in her baby bath and spends most her time stood up trying to detach the taps and lasso the shower-attachment round her head, or one of my cats.
She ignores virtually all her newborn toys, favouring only the Argos catalogue and a couple of yoghurt pots complete with WallyBubba bite marks for identification purposes (Obviously)
She doesn’t want to be spoon-fed anything. When I try to lovingly feed her, she rips the spoon from my hand and fires it at my eye. Giving me the ‘MUM GET THE HELL UP OUT OF MY SHIT’ glance. And with that she smashes broccoli up her nose and wipes fish pie across the wall.
She won’t drink out of a sippy cup, she will ONLY drink from my glass. Considering my glass is usually filled with wine or a stiff G&T with ice-and-a-slice, this isn’t the best and does tend to get a few looks as I spend most lunch outings attempting to prize my Rose from my daughter’s vice like grip.
Her hair has begun to curl which just makes her look like a teenager (slight exaggeration) and I’ve found that most 12-18 month clothes are in a different section to the the earlier sizes. So like some withering weirdo, I head to the newborn section in BabyGAP, pick up and coo over everything sometimes shedding a few tears… then head over to the shitty toddler bit and swear as everything I pick up comes in sizes that also fit five year olds. Screw you 1-2T… She IS still a baby. SHE IS. OK.
There’s no leaving the buggy straps undone for a second as I grab her blanket or attempt the impossible operation known as ‘project footmuff’… Any moment left unsecured results in a dramatic and instantaneous leap for freedom. Any kind of restriction whilst stationery WILL result in a screaming fit and any attempt to wipe face will result in TOTAL MELTDOWN.
I suppose the point I’m making is that every time I think I’m comfortable with what I’m doing it all changes… And I’ve got a funny feeling it’s going to be that way for the rest of her life. Or until she’s 16 and I chuck her out to fend for herself and bugger off to Bali. I know some of your think I’m joking about that last bit but I’m seriously not… 🙂
#bookingflightstoBalifor2028
#fillinginwithGINuntilthen
#notjokingeither
They definitely change so quickly it's hard to keep up…keeping us on our toes and everything. I do love your candour about it all! Thinking of number two huh…well there I am afraid you are much braver than me! For a side note…she is definitely a cutie.
ReplyIf she wasn't cute this blog would be a hell of a lot worse that's for sure!
I'm only considering a second one because I've bought the buggy now… like to think I have my priorities straight… :))) thanks for reading and commenting! xxx
ReplyOh I've done the dreaded two thing but at least I waited until the first one was 2 which meant he could TALK! You have to learn an entirely new skill set with the second one it's called 'growing a second set of hands and a second pair of eyes'. because when they aren't fighting, they will double-team you and you've got NO HOPE! Plus, there is the horror of dealing with the worst smelly presents from the baby whilst simultaneously trying to cook lunch or dinner and stop the toddler from reaching your gin, your wine or the sharp knives that you believed you had put out of reach. I'm shuddering just remembering it. Good news though, when they go to school, you only have to worry about the hours from 3 until bedtime…oh god, I need another gin.
ReplyI like the last part of that comment :))) perhaps I can juts get myself into a gin coma for a few years until the youngest is at school too and ten… Bali 🙂 #yes xx thanks for the great comment! xx
ReplyYep, you are so right. They keep changing and moving the goalposts at very regular intervals! My daughter is 6 and I hate it that I have to dress her in clothes that also fit 16 year olds. I want to be dressing her in the clothes you don't want to dress your daughter in! Great post ever 🙂
ReplyLOL – well I suppose we all juts have to go with no matter what age they are 😉 x thanks for the comment and twitter love xxx
Reply2028?? I thought we were going next year! *lies down and beats floor with fists* "I wanna go nowwwwwww!!!!!"
ReplyI am secretly loving that she's found the Argos catalogue – that baby gives years of entertainment #funees and adult angst. You should see the video I made of GG's requests from the Boden catalogue!
haha! sorry – we may have to wait a while… we have got #gin until then though… :))
LMAO – I will have to come take a look at that! xxx
ReplyBut with all that, good job! She sounds like a perfectly normal 10 month old girl to me. You're doing a sterling job. Medal for you!!
ReplyLol 😉 glad to here that! I shall wear my medal with pride xxx #madeit lol
ReplyI made the mistake of trying to avoid a tantrum and not strapping Spud in to his pushchair and he promptly fell out. On to his head.
ReplyWait til she's walking and talking. My 3yr old has an attitude worse than your average teenager 🙁
Oh awesome – I will look forward to that then lol xxx
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