It’s amazing how when your child is born you cannot wait for their first birthday…when they’re talking, moving, laughing, playing, producing fully-formed turds…
Have two birthday cakes and eat one of them all to yourself. Without using your hands. Just stick your face in the middle and eat your way out. Tell yourself you look sexy.
Failing that eat an extra-large Toblerone like a Peperami.
Plan a day out together as a family. At the pub. Without the baby. Or your husband.
Stop crying.
Do look at photos of your baby at just a week or two old and compare them to the chubby, angry, cat-lassoing toddler stood in front of you with rice-cake enamelled to their eyelid.
Be drunk*. Obviously.
*Just the right level of drunk to maintain a smile but not pass out whilst riding Colin the Snail and asking if anyone can tell your tits look lopsided from ‘favouring the left’ throughout breastfeeding.
Insist EVERYONE brings a bottle. Failure to do so is punishable at the door by stabbing.
Don’t invite any of your pregnant friends. In your delicate state you’re at serious risk of letting them know what it’s really like.
Wear enough ‘hold-it-in’ underwear to make your eyes bulge and fish shamelessly for complements. Also dress like a slut and wear 6-inch heels… (where the f@*k else are you going to wear them…)
If you’re inviting other babies, have a separate area. Or cage. Away from the alcohol.
Forget pass the parcel; for entertainment, subtly remove your child’s nappy and play a bit of poo roulette…
Remain drunk until the guests’ alcohol runs out a week or so later.
Remember not to have another baby this close to f@*king Christmas.
Remember not to have another f@*king baby.
Simply brilliant. Pissing myself reading this!!!
ReplyHAHA x glad u liked it! xxx
ReplyHappy birthday to Wallybubba! 😀
ReplyThank you! xx
ReplyHappy Birthday! Love the family day out at the pub without the baby or husband. Haha xx
ReplyI'm doing that right now 🙂 and… Relax… Lol
ReplyHappy Birthday Wally Bubba! And just remember that when you look at your mummy, dressed in her 6 inch heels, crying whilst simultaneously shoving her face into the middle of a whole birthday cake, that she loves you very much…and that if this was the Victorian era, you'd be up a chimney, or down a mine by now. 🙂
ReplyI shall remind her of this all 😉 xxx
ReplyHappy Birthday WallyBubba.
ReplyLive this post and will use all your tips next February x
Ha! You defo should xx feel free to print them out lol! Xxx
ReplyThat is an absolutely BRILLIANT summary!! LOVE LOVE LOVE and can see why it was nominated as post of the week in the #PAPS. I'm now a new follower!! Look forwrd to reading more xx
Happy Birthday as well BTW to Wallybubba xx
ReplyThank you :)))
ReplyHa – you've succeeded in making me laugh, which is no mean feat considering I'm exhausted and full of cold today. Brilliant advice. Wish I'd known it this time last year!
ReplyLol #hindsight eh?! X
ReplyHahahaha. Too bloody true. I drink more often now than I did as a student.
ReplyI know! I'm almost impressed with myself! But not with the hangovers…
Replypoo roulette! *snigger*
Replylol 😉 you should try it… no-one outstays their welcome at our house! x
ReplyHappy Birthday Wallybubba – hope you all had a very 'merry' day xxx
ReplyThanks, I did. I mean she did. 🙂
ReplyDamn it man, my two are out of pampers. Can't believe I've missed that chance! Still tired most of the time, BTW. I know, you dont want to hear that 🙂
ReplyI'll just block it out… lol 😉 thanks for reading and commenting :))) x
Reply