Mummy has been taking you to this thing called ‘Baby Signing’, and now her and Daddy keep making funny movements with their hands. What do you do?
You’re moving around easily now, and Mummy & Daddy appear to have moved everything just out of your reach in the living room. How do you react?
A – Mummy’s face smells yummy. I think I’ll lick it.
B – Use a pyramid formation of megabloks and one of the cats to act as a stepladder. There’s nothing I can’t reach. Fools. *tut and shake head*
C – She can move her CDs all she wants. I can still shit on the floor and eat it.
Also – if I had Right Said Fred in my music collection, I wouldn’t just be moving that shit – I’d be burning it.
Mummy and Daddy seem to have been going out a lot more and keep taking you for sleep-overs at Granny’s house. How do you feel about this?
A – I love Mummy and Daddy. They give me cuddles.
B – I’m cool with it. Granny is even more of a pushover than they are. Last week she let me eat an entire cupcake whilst watching Driver Dan on repeat for an hour in my pants. She’s like putty in my hands.
C – I can’t go to Granny’s if her house has a little accident with a match now can I… I’ve got friends. Friends in high places. This shit could get real.
The iPhones and Sky remote are still eluding you. What are you going to do?
A – That’s ok – Mummy said the unicorns are coming.
B – I’m going to pull out a new ‘sign’ this week – I’ve had ‘sheep’ in the making for a while. They’ll be so impressed they’ll probably buy me my own shitting iPhone.
C – You should see what I’ve brewing for tonight. Hello giant soft designer white bunny I got for my birthday two weeks ago, meet my homemade-arse-fudge.
At bedtime, Mummy and Daddy keep putting this little brush in your mouth which tastes of mint. What should you do?
A – What’s mint?
B – Don’t open your mouth. It’s a trick. Practice holding your breath during xylophone time in case they try that nose holding thing again.
C – Let them try. I will shit them up. I am way stronger than you think. Mummy can still over-power me but Daddy has no chance. I can crush him like a sweetcorn ring.
Mummy and Daddy keep taking you to this place called the ‘pub’ on Sunday lunch times. What do you think about this?
A – Daddy loves the pub. Mummy loves Daddy. I love Mummy… therefore… I am pub? Im confused.
B – I’ll do it, but I’m gonna need that Yorkshire pudding, a Mars Bar and a selection of menus. Else we’re looking at an hour’s non-stop screaming and me sticking my hand in whatever ‘that’ stain is on the floor. Then licking it.
C – If they expect me to sit in an inferiorly made piece of plastic crap for three hours while they get pissed they are are [email protected]*king high.
Mostly A’s – You’re just not getting it. We’re going to have to send the wasps round.
Mostly B’s – Nicely played. iPhone and a Sky-remote in the post to you.
Mostly C’s – We’re a bit scared. Please don’t call your ‘friends’ on us. *nervous laugh*