Battered Mummy

I’m not sure my child likes me.

In fact at times, I wonder if she’s not plotting some way to cause me intense and unimaginable pain… Oh wait; she already did that when she head-butted her way out of my uterus… well something worse than that then… *shudders*

I think it’s fair to say that recently our relationship has taken a turn towards the abusive…

You may laugh, but she is surprisingly strong for a sub-80cm human-being and quite frankly she has the temperament of a small but incredibly angry badger.

Only this morning whilst attempting to put her socks on I took a finger stab to the throat, followed by a death slice to the knee. Once we did make it downstairs, I apparently didn’t get breakfast on her highchair tray in an adequate timeframe, and hence I was punished with a Hello Kitty sippy-cup to the fanny. As if she hadn’t f@*ked that up enough already…

Dinner time would be more fun in prison. I have to dodge flying pasta shapes and suffer several attempts to post broccoli into my skull via my eyes and/or ears. And I’m talking aldente veg.

Any attempt to hug her outside the allotted ‘cuddle time’ with result in face lacerations from her tiny ninja-clawed hands. Being small seems to only make them faster. It’s impossible to block in time. I look like a gang of highly-trained kittens have tried to steal my face in the night…

When she does want to be picked up, she simply uses my lose skin as leverage and hacks her way up the left side of my body. It. Is. Agony.

Getting her into either the pushchair or carseat will result in alternating chinese-burns to the bingo-wings whilst being punched in the tit. When she does finally relent, it’s only because she’s planning to paper cut my toes with her Peppa Pig rhyme cards later that afternoon…

In the land of the vicious, stabby sleep relenting bastards she is their queen…

Be afraid. Be very afraid.



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