I’m not sure my child likes me.
In fact at times, I wonder if she’s not plotting some way to cause me intense and unimaginable pain… Oh wait; she already did that when she head-butted her way out of my uterus… well something worse than that then… *shudders*
I think it’s fair to say that recently our relationship has taken a turn towards the abusive…
You may laugh, but she is surprisingly strong for a sub-80cm human-being and quite frankly she has the temperament of a small but incredibly angry badger.
Only this morning whilst attempting to put her socks on I took a finger stab to the throat, followed by a death slice to the knee. Once we did make it downstairs, I apparently didn’t get breakfast on her highchair tray in an adequate timeframe, and hence I was punished with a Hello Kitty sippy-cup to the fanny. As if she hadn’t [email protected]*ked that up enough already…
Dinner time would be more fun in prison. I have to dodge flying pasta shapes and suffer several attempts to post broccoli into my skull via my eyes and/or ears. And I’m talking aldente veg.
Any attempt to hug her outside the allotted ‘cuddle time’ with result in face lacerations from her tiny ninja-clawed hands. Being small seems to only make them faster. It’s impossible to block in time. I look like a gang of highly-trained kittens have tried to steal my face in the night…
When she does want to be picked up, she simply uses my lose skin as leverage and hacks her way up the left side of my body. It. Is. Agony.
Getting her into either the pushchair or carseat will result in alternating chinese-burns to the bingo-wings whilst being punched in the tit. When she does finally relent, it’s only because she’s planning to paper cut my toes with her Peppa Pig rhyme cards later that afternoon…
In the land of the vicious, stabby sleep relenting bastards she is their queen…
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
They are mini ninjas! And the pushchair battle is the worst! xReply
haha – oh God I know… sometimes I just don't have the strength. I take the beating and we stay in instead… #weak lol xReply
Just as I read the bit about inflicting pain, I got a head to the face. Then he tried to fuse my face to his by kissing me. It hurt.Reply
Is that what they call 'power love'… Lol xReply
I've known 3 people who've lost their front teeth to a well timed headbutt. Be afraid, be very afraid…Reply
Ha! Dear lord… They should come with a warning on the box… LolReply
My son's favourite move is steeling my glasses, because then I'm effectively disabled due to not being able to see. And then there's often a quick jab to the eye or pull of my hair. Its usually when I'm holding him so I only have one arm for defence…. they're cunning…. NEVER underestimate a toddler! 😉Reply
wise words indeed… they r always one step ahead of you. Little bastards. lol 😉 xxReply
I've been headbutted a few times during getting my toddler dressed, not to mention the none too gentle face slaps and eye pokes I got at 6am this morning, "you wake Mummy, open you eyes" as he prodded me and roused me to life!Reply
Dangerous little critters, toddlers are! 😉
Should have public health warnings… Definitely. Thanks for commenting xxxReply
Haha! This is the first time I've read your blog, it's very funny, so funny in fact you made me laugh out loud and wake my baby (who is now scowling at me! Thanks for that!!) xxReply
haha x well apologies to your baby! but glad it gave u a giggle 😉 xxReply