Dear fellow toddler-folk,
Recently Mummy and Daddy took me to something called a ‘wed-ding’. The first bit was rubbish but later in the day they went a bit wobbly and stopped paying attention to what I was doing, which was weird… but AWESOME.
Apparently these wedding-things happen quite a lot when it’s sunny, so if you happen to be taken to one, here’s my top ten tips for making the most of the proceedings:
- Churches are very quiet. Spice things up with a maraca solo. And a fart. (follow through if possible.)
- Sleep is for the weak. Beat yourself daily in preparation. Supplement with Haribo and chocolate Heinz Biscotti.
- Why walk anywhere when you can run, somersault and fly… The adults actually prefer this.
- Invent a new war cry for the occasion. Practice it in whenever everything goes really quiet. You’ll be rewarded with chocolate. And an iPhone. I guarantee it.
- NEVER rest while there’s dancing to be done.
- It’s not Pick and Mix, it’s SMASH AND GRAB. It’s every man for themselves. Come with tactics. And weapons.
- The best thing to stick in the chocolate fountain is your own face. Fact. F@*k the strawberries. If possible also wear white. Mummy loves that.
- If you see a water feature, lake or open window/door, wait until Mummy and Daddy have started to ‘relax’ and hurl yourself towards it at speed. Keeps the bastards sober.
- Don’t let them put you in the buggy. It’s a trick. Bite through sections of footmuff until you’re removed.
- Make friends with as many random children and babies as possible. Alone they can take you but together you are strong…
Much love,
WallyBubba xxx
Ha ha you're brave! I dreaded taking my little monkey to my sisters wedding but he was only 4 months and slept through it like an angel. Fast forward just over a year and the little git would probably rip the brides veil off before throwing handfuls of food at the bridesmaids! (he's adorable, did I mention that!)
Replywhat you just said what pretty much how to went… lol 😉 It was a far cry from the newborn I tucked under my arm and pushed around in a pram during last year's wedding season! Oh well – lesson learnt. Adult only next time! :))) x
ReplyThat is why I leave mine with the grandparents!
ReplyHaha 😉 definitely next time xx
ReplyBrilliant!! Had me laughing out loud as always!
ReplyI once lost mine at a wedding when she was a toddler! That was a heart stopper! Long story but she was found in a lift after all of our friends ran looking for her around an old stately home and it's grounds!
This was the same wedding I missed the entire ceremony cause no matter the tool of bribery she would not sit still or quiet! Luckily her Gran picked her up at the meal so I could get drunk and get over the trauma!!
Child free weddings are the way to go!
Hahahaha – at least you can look back and laugh now! I'm not sure how I kept hold of mine all day… Luck more than anything I think! Xxx
ReplyThat's it, mine's staying at home for my friend's wedding in October! He likes to sing all the way through church services and chat up the old ladies, but hers is in a posh manor house. Really not suitable for children!
ReplyTee hee 😉 good plan! Ha xx
ReplyOh god, two weeks on Friday I have to take my eleven month old baby to my best friends wedding. I am dreading it. She's going to go loopy I can feel it….
Great post though, if a little terrifying…..
Kate x
ReplyJust Pirouette and Carry On…
Sorry to have terrified you! Unfortunately it's all true… So even sorrier about that :/ lol! Xxx
ReplyBloody brilliant
Replyhaha x thank you :))) x
ReplyOnce they are walking we have some lovely grandparents to look after them! Very brave x
ReplyCan't decide if I was brave or stupid… perhaps both? lol xxx
ReplyI don't know whether to laugh or cry. My almost-1 year old is already walking/running and I have 2 weddings this summer. I can so see this being Potato!
ReplyLol 😉 laugh now, drink later x sorted! Xxx
ReplyHehe my son did all of the above at last wedding. I even gave him my camera to shut him up and ended up running into the kitchens because he ran straight into there. That evening I was so stressed out I ended up reversing straight into my cousins parked car in full view of the wedding party!
ReplyOh no! Lol x I am defo leaving her with granny next time tee hee 😉 xxx
ReplyCrying laughing! Brilliant. Just brilliant.
ReplyPahahahaha x thank you! Glad it gave you a giggle 🙂 xx
ReplyBrilliant! My daughter has done all of the above at weddings, including rolling down a massive hill in her ivory flower girl dress on the way to the church and having to walk down the aisle with grass stains…why are children sent to test us in this way?!!?!?
ReplyLol – that is impressive 😉 I think they are sent to test us in every way, every day and make us drink gin. :)) xxx
ReplyMy little ones have yet to experience a wedding – I dare say they'll probably be carrying your crib sheet for reference when they do… 😉
ReplyOh yeah, they've probably facetimed WallyBubba for a plan of attack already… Lol x
ReplyI only have 2 wedding stories. The first is my own wedding when my youngest was only 9 months old. Breastfeeding in a wedding dress is not a good combination. In fact, I was so exhausted, drunk and demented by the end of the day, I forgot to feed the kids any dinner that night and only remembered a few days later. They were left, literally, to fend for themselves! My second wedding experience involved turning up at the reception with 3 kids only to find that there were only 2 spaces reserved on our cramped table. So…that was fun. Plus, no other kids were there. We left as soon as the food fight was over.
ReplyHahahaha 😉 sorry to laugh! I'm gonna get mine behaving as badly as possible around my engaged friends so she never gets invited again… #winning x thanks for the stories! Xxx
ReplyWell, yes, if you have a babysitter then good! Everyone goes "awww, cute!" when they see OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS (i.e. they don't have to LOOK AFTER THEM) esp. the older generation who are constantly telling you to 'savour every moment', 'it's goes so quick', 'make the most…' blah bloody blah. And I just want to say "shut the F*@k up unless you are offering to babysit….for the whole weekend." Or even a week! Make it 2. Tell you what, let's round it off to a month. Maybe I'll miss them! That would be novel! Obvs I'm only joking – ish…; )
ReplyLol 😉 only 'ish' though… Yeah. 😉
ReplyYet another genius epic post!
Reply*head swells* thank you lovely :))) x
ReplySounds like WallyBubba stole the show – poor bride probably never had a chance! Hilarious as always! x
Replylol – that is very true 😉 I doubt she'll get invite to any others! lol xx
ReplySo so funny hahah
Reply:))) thank you xx
ReplyI love the maraca solo – I bet it sounded awesome!!!
ReplyI'm not sure the bride thought so… lol x
ReplyAbsolutely laughed my head off reading this. Love it, so funny. I really could imagine it.
ReplyHaha 😉 thanks lovely! Xxx
ReplyAh, you do make me laugh, and shudder at the memories…
Replypahahahahaha x happy to be of service 🙂 xxx
ReplyLol this is so spot on & exactly why I avoid taking my kids to weddings – its so stressful!
Reply(We even had a nanny for them at our own wedding & they went home before the meal)
Ha 😉 I like your style! Thanks for the comment xxx
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