Finally some SUUUUUNNNNNN.
I thought I’d forgotten what that giant yellow bastard looked like…
However, I think spring may finally be here, and in typical British fashion I am now perma-wearing flip-flops and shorts until at least October, whilst complaining it’s too frigging hot. And pretending I actually look good in shorts. And hoping no-one notices my desperate need for a pedicure and the fact that I haven’t shaved my legs since childbirth.
I am a self-confessed sun-worshipper, but I last saw the sun at a point where my child was barely moving, so whilst it’s fair to say summer 2012 provided me with some interesting I CAN’T SHITTING DO THIS baby-in-sun moments, I fear it was nothing compared with sunny, sunny fun-time with a toddler… *sobs*
The first nightmare is sun tan lotion… Firstly you have to catch them… before 9am, while they still have all their power… and you are a gibbering, coffee-powered, mascara-less mess… Then you have to attempt a precision face application as they perform an angry hokey-cokey for you while you desperately try to avoid finger stabbing them in the eye with SPF 50… Once applied what you’ve basically done is turned them into a tiny, human grease-ball; so forget restraining them, holding hands or plucking then from a near death situation involving a swing or a labrador later… They will simply slip neatly from your grip. Whilst laughing. Probably taking some of your hair and/or flesh with them. Awesome.
Then clothing. The thing about WallyBubba’s summer clothing is it involves lots of pretty, floaty, loose-fitting things which allow her to strip herself in a matter of seconds and, far more excitingly, get to her own nappy. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy having a faeces/sun-tan-lotion combo spread across the picnic mat… from now on we are sticking to shorts. I can barely undo the button on most of them so I can’t see her managing it… #winning
Then there’s the hat*. These have actually been designed as a hilarious social experiment for parents globally to see how long it takes you to crack. When WallyBubba removes her hat (approx every 30 seconds throughout the entire day); she turns, stares at me, rips it dramatically from her head, glares at it, hurls it full force at the ground, stamps on it for good measure then legs it as fast as she can in the opposite direction… If I didn’t know better, I swear at the point where she plucks it disgustingly from her head she’s maintaining eye contact with me and mouthing ‘put that on my head again mother and I will f@*king set fire to you while you sleep…’
*WORD OF WARNING – don’t actually use the word ‘hat’ out loud in front of your toddler. Trust me. You will lose skin.
The stuff… dear lord THE STUFF… Nice picnic on the beach? NICE SHITTING PICNIC ON THE F-ING BEACH… I look like I’m packing for a 2-week holiday: swim nappies, normal nappies, spare nappies, swimming costumes (two), armbands, rubber ring, sun lotion, towels, hats, spare clothes, UV tent, wind breaker, drinks, lunch, change bag with all the usual crap in it, trike, bucket and spade, a selection of different sized balls, a frisbee, a gallon of gin and my f@*king soul in a cool box with some freezer blocks.
Yeah.
We’re staying inside this summer…
Or she’s just gonna have to get a toddler tan.
When does October come back round again…?
#toddlertan
#mummygin
#soulinacoolbox
#gin
dear lord I am totally creased after reading this! 😀 made me night Xx
Replytee hee – thanks! 🙂 xxx
ReplyYes!!! Why does sun tab lotion have to create such slipperiness. I spent ages trying to grip my toddler on holiday. He thought it was hilarious!
Replyhaha – i KNOW! Their hysterical laughter somehow only makes me feel it's even less funny… lol xxx
ReplyMy daughter is obsessed with hats. But just as obsessed with taking them off too!
Replyhats are meant for the floor… don't you KNOW THAT mummy 😉 *tuts*
ReplyHaha – you need the spray sun lotion – I put Bean's in a pressure washer and spray him at a safe distance with my gin 😉
ReplyPah! I wouldn't waste gin in that way though… might have to report you to the gin gods :))) x
ReplyTotally with you on the the hat thing. Didn't think to buy one so when surprised by a sunny day I had to wrap my own very flowery scarf round my son's head. Next day I spent good money on a stylish Thomas the Tank Engine sunhat. After an hour of constant battling to keep it on his head I gave up and reverted to the feminine pirate look. Maybe it'll catch on!
ReplyI like it… girly pirate head scarf for us it is too! :))) x lol
ReplyBrill post – so true! Last holiday was hard and my toddler is even bigger and more strong willed now so this year should be fun! L x
Replyha! Yes – take lots of gin. You know why. 😉 lol x
ReplySand sticks to sun tan lotion leaving you with a slippery and gritty toddler. I know. They also like to grab your trousers or legs at this point to rub such mess into your legs which hurt or clothes which does not come out. Sunglasses are also fun with toddlers these are removed and then attempt by toddler to place on your head which then results in the loss of one of your eyes, I again know this to be true.
ReplyHaha 😉 so I can add to the list – no beaches, eyewear or outdoors this summer… Yeah? Awesome xx
ReplyThe beach is at least one thing that gets rapidly easier as they get older. We leave the teenagers to bring whatever they need, we just carry the ton and a half that we have to bring for the 2 little ones – but if anyone wants to a share of cricket or beach tent storage or lunch then they have to help carry….it's great 🙂
ReplyWhen mine are teenagers I do intend to be on a beach. Without them. On an untraceable island in the Atlantic. 😉
ReplyHaha….good luck with that! 😀
ReplyThanks! xx
ReplyThis really made me laugh! But think of the flip side – summer and good weather equals being able to sit in the beer garden of the pub, sipping a G&T while the kids run wild in the play area. YES!!
ReplyHa 😉 I aspire to that… Lol x
ReplyWhen I read your posts, I am so glad my kids are growing up! Although they HATE sun cream and are all really pale and need it. They would rather stay inside all summer than wear sun cream 🙁
ReplyTee hee 😉 UV suits all round for your lot then! Lol xxx
ReplyThank god my son's vain (hence he thinks he putting on body lotion) and loves sun hats. Although the sprays are easier to hit them with, mine comes up in a rash so has to have a green people cream.
ReplyHaha – u got a good one there 😉 thanks for the comment tee hee xx
ReplyI can highly relate here. Buba refused on our recent vacation to Lanzarote to wear a hat, or sunglasses or let us put sunblock on him. It was a never winning battle of chase. lol I wish he loved a hat! I hate how lotion makes them slippery to catch too. 😉 Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me linky. I love your blog post, and getting to know more about you and your lovely blog. Big hugs. #sharewithme
Replyhahaha x well thanks for reading 😉 #sharewithme
ReplyMy son loves wearing hats. But only in the house. And only MY hats. hmph. #sharewithme
Replywell of course. 🙂
ReplyI am crying with laughter reading this, so funny!! Loved reading it and can totally relate, so glad I found this blog 🙂 x #sharewithme
Replyheehe 😉 thank you xxx
ReplyLucas says – Wally Bubba is one of my heroes – she's be an AWESOME member of the GL Gang!!!
#sharewithme
Replyha 😉 that she would… although she'd probably instigate a coop and overthrow the leader… lol x
ReplyAgain, you've made me snort my drink out of my nose. I should learn by now; NEVER drink whilst reading your posts!!!!!! #sharewithme
Replyha 😉 thanks lovely xxx
Reply"That big yellow bastard" – best description of the sun ever!
Reply(the hat and suncream thing does get easier as they get older and realise that a) they're not going out without it and b) it's quicker to stand still)
#sharewithme
So basically they give in after a few years of emotional torture… like it 😉 lol x
ReplyYOu are funny! Me and my son is white as icing sugar when we go out in summer cuz i just splat us with suncream. I think he would complain but me being the older one is always winning. =P #sharewithme
Replyheehee 😉 thank you xxx
ReplyThis is brilliant so so funny and totally true! *heading off to read some more* #sharewithme
Replyha 😉 Glad you think so! xxx thank you for reading :)))
ReplyPahahahaha soul in a cool box. After a spectacularly terrible night I hissed at one of the Beans "well you've taken my soul you may as well have my ruddy pillows too!"
ReplyI can empathise with that… lol! xxx
ReplyHilarious! The *hat thing* OMG shudders. I have twins so I'm doing nothing else but putting on hats!!!!!
ReplyI think if i had twins I would have sold one by now… hats off to you lady! heehee xxx
ReplyLoving the angry hokey cokey, my 14 month old does that too. As for hats the best I managed today was a pair of sodding easter rabbit ears!
Reply