No matter how irritatingly close to their mouth the risotto is almost getting, DO NOT TOUCH THEIR SPOON. EVER. It will make them angry. And when they’re angry, cutlery becomes painful and stabby.
Ensure your dinner and their dinner are identical (yes, they will inspect thoroughly) else you will most likely be subjected to a swipe/stand-up/scream combo.
Do not underestimate a toddler’s swipe trajectory. WallyBubba can take out the bookcase, the lamp, at least one cat and WallyDaddy with one well-timed swoop.
The best way to get them into the highchair is to bait them with Haribo and Organix cheese puffs. Once they’re in. Pull out the big guns (AKA broccoli) and maintain a sensible distance. (AKA leave while your husband deals with it)
If you value your soft furnishings, do not give a toddler blueberries.
You were mistaken – bananas can be eaten whole. Sideways. Un-peeled. Idiot.
NEVER let them catch sight of the yoghurt during the main course. Once they’ve seen the yoghurt, you’re f*@ked.
If you are unfortunate to be caught in a yoghurt-related-meltdown you will most likely be given one of ‘those’ looks. The ones that say… ‘petit filous up my macaroni mother else I’ll have you stoned by the Wottingers’… It’s not a risk worth taking. Just give them the yoghurt and back away…
You’ve got a fork. They’ve got a fork. They only want to eat with your fork. Until you give it to them. Then they want to use their sleeve.
If they won’t eat it. Cover it in honey. And do a shot. Works every time…
Yes, they loved carrot sticks and humous yesterday, but today is Thursday and on Thursday humous gets flung at the carpets while carrot gets inserted with considerable force into nostrils. Happy F*@king Thursday.
Don’t take your eyes off them for a second. They are just waiting to use that rice pudding as a face mask.
DO NOT TOUCH THEIR SPOON. EVER. (I know I’ve already said this, but I’ve stuck it in again for gravitas)
The amount of time, energy and love you put into a meal is directly proportionate to how much they will throw at the floor.
Ignore food throwing. Simply pretend it’s not happening, crack open a tasty Merlot, take it to the bathroom, and swig straight from the bottle whilst crying. You’ll soon stop noticing…
When it all gets too much, let the little bastards forage for rice cakes under the coffee table and have gin for dinner after they’ve gone to bed. Sorted.
And lastly. Lasagne must always be eaten naked.
Don't ever touch their spoons – the single most important rule to avoiding complete and total toddler meltdown in this house! And how did you not know bananas can be eaten whole? First thing they teach you at toddler school!
ReplyHey – first rule of Toddler Club is we don't talk about Toddler Club… the banana thing is a secret right… Pahaha x :))) x
ReplyThe amount of time, energy and love you put into a meal is directly proportionate to how much they will throw at the floor.
This is the truest thing I have EVER read!
Replylol… i don't know why i don't just feed mine crisps and be done with it! xxx
ReplyLol your so funny! My kind of humour! "When it all gets too much, let the little bastards forage for rice cakes" LOL!! I have this all to come x
http://lillyandme12.blogspot.co.uk
Replyhaha x thank you! *whispers – its all true though…* lol xxx
ReplyI want to write these rules out on a huge sheet of paper and place them on the wall beside where my toddler eats!! The yoghurt one, i so get it! I have even carried out military style crawling to try and hide from my toddler that mummy has a munch bunch in her hand and you're not supposed to see it yet!
ReplyPahahaha! That is brilliant! Good luck with the yoghurt commando 😉 I'm off to cry into some gin in my loo x
ReplyI remember it so well – even though my youngest is now 22 I still need the gin!
Replyit seems #gin has a universal effect whatever the age of your children! Good to know! haha x
ReplyLOL I'm not sure when my lifeline became a pot of Petit Filous. Petit Filous solves everything in our house. If they ever find anything wrong with it…*cold shivers* Munch Bunch is just. Not. The. Same.
Also, dee dee da da da *looks away* I have never had to battle over a piece of lost rice cake with my son. No sites, not me.
Replypahahaha – they know…. they really know… when you try to use own brand yoghurt from the big tub your life is basically over. Thanks for reading and commenting :))) x
ReplyI can't tell you how many times I've made the yoghurt error. You'd think I would have learned by now.
Reply*whispers* me too… what's wrong with us… perhaps we like life on the edge…? 🙂 xx
ReplyThat is so funne it brought tears to my eyes. I'm almost over this for forever! yay.
ReplyBut then no excuses for alcohol so early in the day lol.
I can always find an excuse for morning gin 🙂 lol x wells one for making ti through! Let me know what it's like on the other side…! lol x
ReplyBrilliant! Made me laugh out loud! My little girl is 4 and still finds whats on my plate more interesting than whats on her own, even if we are eating exactly the same thing!
ReplyLol 😉 thanks! Glad it made you lol :))) xx
ReplyI have a strategy for solving the yoghurt problem. Let them see it. And taste it. Then cunningly swap the next spoonful for some mashed-up cauliflower cheese. Note their confusion. Repeat until both yoghurt and cauliflower cheese are all eaten up…..
ReplyI like your style mister 😉 however mine has learnt how to eject unliked food from her mouth with considerable force… We don't talk about it… *twitches*… Lol! Xx
ReplyLOL! These should be published and handed out at your hospital departure. One should never enter a battle without armour 😉 #funee x
Replywhat a fabulous idea! I'll get writing to the local maternity ward – expect they'll snap it up in an instance! lol 😉 thanks for swinging by and commenting :))) x
ReplyThis made me smile. Little one is 9 months and already has meltdown when spied yoghart the other day. My own fault as I tried to bribe him the other wk with one and since then if he spies one he wants one.
Replyhaha yes – once you make the move to the yoghurt side there is no turning back! :))) x
Replywe have to hide both fruit and yoghurt if anything else is to be eaten at all. and woe betide any poor soul at the same table with a Very Slightly Different meal. pity the fool.
Replyoh yes… pity the fool… haha! 🙂 thanks for the comment love 😉 xxx
ReplyI do just love the naked lasagne….remember to get the hose ready first 😀
ReplyNaked lasagne is the best I agree 😉 interesting bath water afterwards tho… Lol xx
ReplyWhy we still fight these battles I don't know… Let's go directly to the foraging under the table!
ReplyBrilliant post 🙂
Thank you! Yes – lets unite and petition for rice cake dinner foraging for toddlers from now on 🙂 lol x thanks for stopping by and commenting! Xx
ReplyHa! Brilliant! So true, particularly about the yoghurt. 🙂
ReplyThanks! I have a feeling it will never end either… Oh well, the alcohol will keep us going… Lol :)))
ReplyAhah! I wondered how my wine habit started!!
ReplyOh yeah – it's easy to trace back when u think of that time you let them have lasagne whilst clothed… Lol 🙂 xx
ReplySoooooo true! Every. Single. Point. Actual lol. Fab blog x
ReplyGosh thanks! :))) xx
ReplyHilarious and so true – Wally Bubba just a bit younger than POD. Awesome 🙂
ReplyHaha 😉 they're probably in it together… Lol xx
ReplyShould add, if you have two children never ever let them sit together. That gives them access to two plates to throw on the floor.
Replyhaha – I have not yet had the pleasure but I'm certain two is far worse than one! lol xx
ReplyYoghurt, milk, raisins – in fact anything dessert or dairy oriented in our house.
As for cheese – yep the rule, don't have cheese yourself in sandwiches unless he's having cheese too. He goes mad for cheese.
ReplyCheese… Always cheese… Dairy products are all they need! Lol 😉 xx
ReplyLol at the yogurt especially, hubby made this fatal mistake on the weekend and he really should know better by now! Xx
ReplyTee hee 😉 lets hope he's learnt now! Lol xxx
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