So it’s that time of year again…
Time to book a holiday. Something before having a baby I used to really look forward to…
*pause for hysterical laughter which slowly turns into pathetic tears*
I quite clearly established my feelings on holidaying with WallyBubba as a baby last year, with the over-riding sentiment that it is in fact SHIT and not worth the bastard hassle… But…. That was before I had begun to appreciate what life with a toddler was like…. *flinches*
In fact, I’m not really sure what the bloody hell I was complaining about before she could move, shout and take the cats out with one punch… Her nappies were the size of napkins, she couldn’t communicate, or use cutlery, and go all stabby… All she really did was sleep, drain my boobs and produce runny yellow presents…
Now. However. She comes with an arsenal of toys that Hamleys would be proud of, eats everything by first smashing it into her hair, and terrifies woodland creatures and the elderly with her impressive sprint/scream combos… So choosing a holiday has taken rather more tears, I mean thought, this year…
So here is my list of Toddler Holiday Requirements:
- CRECHE: I want a ‘holiday’. And by this I mean I want to lie down, in silence, in the sun, with some gin, and some spare gin, looking thin… ok – pretending I look thin with my eye closed doing that sucky-in thing with my tummy… While my child is in the care of someone who hasn’t already read the Farm Flap book 30 times that morning and really couldn’t give a shit if Tom finds his puppy. So yes, call me selfish, but [email protected]*k the puppy – MUMMY NEEDS A TAN.
- TODDLER- ONLY POOL: Reckon she’s less likely to drown. Or be stamped on by nine-year olds. Boom.
- NO BEACH: Awesome for people who know sand isn’t a food group… not so good for toddlers. For whom it’s a PLETHORA of DOOM involving DEATH IN EVERY DIRECTION. Might be slightly over-exaggerating with that one…
- LARGE BALCONY/TERRACE: I like to think of this as an OUTDOOR CAGE. With places for Mummy and Daddy to lie down. Judgement free. #fistpump
- HIGHCHAIRS: Have you ever tried to feed an 18 month old without a highchair? There is only so much lasagne I can wear before I begin to cry. Really cry. Until even the gin starts to leave my body… and if that happens we’re all [email protected]*ked.
- DOUBLE ROOMED SUITE: I will NOT sleep in the same room as a naked, snoring, snorting, cajoling, teddy-hugging bed-hogger. No. WallyDaddy needs his own room.
- ALL INCLUSIVE: #ginontap I don’t think I need to say anything else…
- SOFT-PLAY: Just two hours a day can give you the equivalent in buggy-time – just long enough for me and WallyDaddy to make a dent in the cocktail menu. A big #gin dent.
- MULTIPLE RESTAURANTS: We get barred. Quite often. Best to spread the love. Don’t want to risk the first ever toddler/food-fight related ASBO.
Feel free to print these out because clearly they are [email protected]*king genius and there will probably be a fight between First Choice and Thomas Cook over who gets to post it in their holiday advice section first. Yeah. That’ll happen. Yeah.
Brought back so many memories,none of them good!Reply
lol… It's always painful, it's just HOW painful right… ha! xReply
Actually lol'd at number 6!Reply
My husband wasn't so happy… Ha! XReply
Hmm, it doesn't get that much bigger as they get older either. 23 month olds refuse to use highchairs but fall off actual chairs. And they repeat swear words at waitresses too. We couldn't go back to two of the Center Parcs retaurants after she repeatedly shouted "twat" in one of them and threw up all over the table/floor of another…Reply
Pahahaha – I'm sort of looking forward to that happening now 🙂 lol! XxxReply
Ha ha good luck! We had a few days away recently and the toddler got sick and spent two nights screaming like some out of control demon, I'm sure we almost got chucked out when he screamed for 4 hours solid the second night we were there!
He was easy when he was 4 months old, slept all the way there on the plane and back, would sleep in my arms, keep his food to himself, keep his nappy on and not use it as a frigging boomerang and generally act all cute, fast forward a year and holidaying with the little monster required a shit ton of alcohol, unfortunately for me I was practically chained to the hotel room and room service would have woken him up! Nightmare!
Next time, if there is a next time, I'll be taking a hip flask or ten!Reply
I feel ur pain… How about me and u bugger off and leave the toddlers with the Daddies for a week… #sortec lol xxReply
Good luck! Maybe this is why we always go self-catering in Padstow?Reply
That is beginning to look very attractive… Fancy some guests… Lol :))) xReply
Too funny. I am moving house in four days with my five children, while my husband is out of town on work. I have declared this move will count as our 'holiday' as I only have that much energy!
I wish I was making that up, but sadly, that's the truth. I can't do both. 🙂
Best of luck with your holiday. I hope you find somewhere that will be suitable.Reply
Wow. That is impressive. I will send #gin. :/ lol xxReply
I'm putting it forward to Thomsons as we speak 😉Reply
Oh yeah, obviously 😉 lol xReply
We used to take our twin toddlers to the Bedruthan Steps Hotel in Cornwall. Might be worth a look. We weren't mad enough to take them abroad until they were almost 4! Good luck with the holiday.Reply
Haha 😉 I shall take a look – although I think I need sun guaranteed and unfortunately that means planes :/ xxReply
We are meant to be going away next year with the boys who will be nearly 3 and 18 months. I might start drinking now! Good luck picking somewhere 😉Reply
Good luck to you too! lets drink to it… cheers 😉 *clink* xxReply
All of this pales in comparison with taking pre-schoolers through an airport, though, even if they have a friction Trunki! Bon voyage!! xReply
Ouch… That sounds painful! I hope they have you some gin and a medal for that! Lol xReply
Not friction. Frickin! Damn this spell check. Doesn't it get that I like to cuss a lot!Reply
Ha! I got the jist 😉Reply
The toddler stage is harder than holidaying with the baby stage. You seem to need more stuff and they won't keep still. Afternoon naps are the only saving grace.Reply
yes – afternoon naps are THE ONLY THING THAT KEEP ME GOING. lol 🙂 please god let her keep them up for a while! xxReply
You know what your doing wrong….your not taking back up!
We are going with our 21 month old and 5 month old in a few weeks and taking Grandma & Grandad as back up!
I agree with most of the points though – I had one other "request" from my holiday destination – free wifi so we can still tweet!
Haha 😉 yes – ready made baby-sitters are the way forward! Lol 😉 xReply