Dear Mummy*,
(*if that is in fact your real name… since you told me carrots were yummy I’ve frankly begun to doubt every word you say…)
Tomorrow I turn 18 months old, and to date you’ve managed to not to kill or seriously damage either of us, which is both admirable and fairly surprising… So well done. I’m making you a medal out of raw pasta, toothpaste and Calpol syringes later which I’ll have delivered to you in bed via one of the cats.
Anyway, I digress. To mark the momentous occasion of my one and a half years on this earth, I thought firstly I’d allow you to buy me stuff. And secondly write down some pointers to make the journey to my second birthday a little smoother for us all. So here goes:
I think we’ve clearly established we don’t really need Daddy. He’s pretty good at tummy tickling and shoulder rides, but I’ve been doubting his commitment lately. Ever since this ‘new job’, whatever that is, he’s been slacking… so I think it’s time to cut the dead wood.
I’ve said this before, but I don’t think you took me seriously so once again… I. ONLY. EAT. YOGHURT. And anything you’re eating.
And if you try hiding peas in my omelettes again I’ll have your skin removed and made into a coat.
I shan’t be needing my highchair any longer. I’ll take my refreshments on Colin the Rocking Snail thank you.
I should like to move around the house via the medium of dance from now on. Or riding a cat.
I’ll be needing all the iPhones and remotes.
I’d like to remain naked until October.
Except for my shoes. I’ll wear my shoes. And your shoes too. All the shoes are mine now.
From now on I shall only be pushing the buggy. Not sitting in it.
And while we’re at it you know my reins… well, you’ll be wearing them from now on. Let’s see how you enjoy being led around like a monkey on a lead… NOW DANCE FOR ME MONKEY. DANCE. And fetch me a yoghurt.
Next time we go to soft play. We won’t be leaving. EVER. Try to remove me, and I’ll lick the giant lego. And none of us want that to happen… again.
You know that arranging into different boxes thing you did with all my toys? Well – don’t do that again. It made me angry. And when I’m angry, I shit on your toothbrush.
Oh, and you won’t be taking toilet breaks any longer…
Or eating anything which I haven’t first tasted to decide whether I should have it instead…
In fact you won’t be going ANYWHERE without me again. EVER. Remember, I have all your shoes.
Oh and while I think of it: when I die I wish to be buried with Charlie, Lola, the cats, some yoghurt, my toothbrush and your car keys.
Any questions BBM me, yeah.
Much love,
WallyBubba
xxx
ROFL. She sounds amazebags.
ReplyLMAO x she certainly is 😉 lol xx
ReplyLOVE it, you have made me splutter coffee. She can be friend with my Chuhuahua who also steals and hides (and eats) shoes. Gerrumph.
ReplyH x
Happy to have been of coffee-spluttering-service! :))) x To be honest, she'd probably eat your chihuahua so perhaps it's best they don't meet… lol! xx
ReplyNot been watching Silence of the Lambs has she ?
ReplyThat movie was actually based on her…
ReplyLOL!! Priceless! My little one's 18 months next week too and this is it! we are on the same page!! Bathing is the other thing we'll never be doing again either!
Bless them x
lol 😉 oh yes…. bath time *shudders* – I will be writing an ENTIRE post dedicated only to that bad boy…! Thanks for the comment :))) x
ReplyHa, these all sound familiar, which maybe I should worry about because I have three boys and they all enjoy wearing my shoes… Great post, as usual. Nothing like laughing and crying at the same time…Is it wine/gin time yet? :)x
Reply…for us it's always wine/gin time… *fistpump* x
ReplyYou have hit the nail absolutely on the head. Great post. I laughed out loud and nodded at 'I only eat yoghurt', 'don't hide peas in my omelette' and 'I want all the iphones and remote controls'.
Isn't it refreshing to read about how everyone seems to be going through the same challenges!
Happy Anniversary
ReplyHa ;0 It is nice to know you're not alone… Every time someone agrees I reward myself with more gin :))) #winning
ReplyOh my!! Did you get inside my daughters head? This is spot on!
ReplyShe is an open book! lol :))) x
ReplyYou have just brightened my day with this. She is a total diva in the making and I cannot wait to read more. Please, please, please, please be blogging when she's a teenager!!!!!
ReplyIf she hasn't had me bumped off by then I vow to continue… :)) lol! xxx
ReplyHa ha got my unhinged almost 18 month old off to a T too! What is it with the weird shoe/iphone/remote fetish anyway! I wouldn't mind if it was only ours but he tries to remove random strangers shoes!
ReplyHahaha 😉 they're obsessed! I'm only wearing flip flops from now for damage limitation… Lol x
Replyhahaha!!! Brilliant!! That made me lol 🙂
ReplyTeehee x thank you :))) x
ReplyYou should seriously publish your blog, it's hilarious and so completely spot on. I hear they can do that online now if you're not allowed out ;o) Awesome post
Replyxx
Awww x thank you that's so nice! Glad u enjoy it 😉 x I'll put you on the list for a copy yeah! Lol xxx
ReplyWhat`s your daughter`s name
ReplyUnfortunately I don't answer anonymous requests for my child's personal details. The reasons for this should be obvious. Please stop posting this.
ReplyShe's called WallyBubba. Suits her perfectly with that badass attitude she's got 😉
haha 😉 oh yes. the badest assets toddler in town :)) lol xx
ReplyBrilliantly spot on. Toddlers will one day dispose of us all and take over the world, but at least they will make us laugh while they do it…..
Replyhahaha 😉 sounds fairly accurate! lol x
ReplyHahahaha! This genuinely made me laugh out loud. With my third not long having passed this mark, I can confirm this is EXACTLY what goes through their heads! They are in charge, and when they hit 18 months, they know they're in charge. It's actually quite scary…
ReplyLol 😉 yes… Mother to a toddler is a scary place to be! Hahaha xx
Replypopped over from pocolo – there is a special wriggle I've noticed girls have which means no absolutely not I really mean it I'm not doing that!!
haha – yes. I think she may have invented that! lol 😉 Thanks for stooping by :))) x
ReplyI shall do as I please Helen. What is WallyBubba`s real name
ReplyAS PREVIOUSLY RESPONDED – Unfortunately I don't answer anonymous requests for my child's personal details. The reasons for this should be obvious. Please stop posting this.
All further comments will be deleted.
ReplyWhatevs,Chill Helen
ReplyYou're a bit creepy. Why would you need to know her name?
ReplyWhat the fuck`s wrong with you. Psycho
ReplyAnonymous is being really disrespectful. I posted ages ago. My child has turned 2 now. She likes to punish our neighbours that hubby and I moan about. We password protected the kitchen so now she can`t reach the knife drawer
ReplyPahahaha – makes me wonder if I should be looking into keypad entry for our weapon zones… lol x
Love it!!
ReplyThank you! Xxx
ReplyThis is brilliant, brightened up my day. Hopping over from Wot So Funee x
ReplyThanks! #funee xx
ReplyToo funny!! Pushing the buggy themselves has to be one of the most frustrating rights of passage! Make sure you toe the line, Wallybubba is a feisty one! 😉 #funee
ReplyHaha 😉 that she is! Thanks for stopping by :))) xx
ReplyShe will keep your shoes for many many years, trust me. Unfortunately I know lol x
So what you're saying is… I need to keep buying shoes continually to keep up…? Ok. Arm twisted 😉 lol xx
This is brilliant!! My son is 2 and is exactly the same, I can totally relate! Thank you for this it made my day!
ReplyHappy to make your day :)))) xx
ReplyJust LOL, hilarious, fabulous and too true as always xx
ReplyAwww x thanks :))) *head swells* xxx
ReplyAh, yes, shoes and yogurt! In our house, the wee girl will only eat what her brothers are eating… I suppose it could be worse 🙂
ReplyIt could… Unless her brothers are eating all the shoes… Lol 🙂 xxx
ReplyTotally brilliant!
ReplyWell thanks *head swells* :))) x
ReplyBrilliantly funny post. As always. I read this post out to my fellow campers at Glastonbury and had everyone in fits!
Replyhahaha – wow thanks! Glad to be part of your glasto entertainment lol! xxx
ReplyBrilliant and a genuis,love it :-)Thanks!
Replythank you :)))) xxx
Reply