I survived my second toddler holiday of the year and aside of a mild sangria-related alcohol problem, paella-related weight gain and my new found ability to shed skin regardless of how much I moisturise, I have to say I actually… had fun? I know. I never thought it possible with the miniature Peppa-branded war-lord in tow, but we did actually enjoy ourselves…. mental…
So here are my WallyMummy checklists for surviving a toddler holiday… Use them wisely and preferably read whilst drunk:
Reintroduce day-time bottles, and let let suckle themselves into a coma.
Stock up the trunki with duty-free Gordons and suckle yourself into a coma.
Feel free to fart and blame it on the baby. Seats around you will suddenly become free… creating easier trunki/gin access…
Don’t travel in shorts. Eventually your skin will fully bond with the pleather plane seat… And a denim disco fanny in 30 degree heat is not the way forward…
They eat naked now.
On big-girl chairs.
And only melon.
You just have Mojitos now… and the occasional olive…
Somehow 10 Euros for a Hello Kitty plastic bucket seems like a good deal if it shuts them up for 20 minutes…
The subsequent ball, spade, bat, ring, boat and full size Orca complete with pup and sound effects were also necessary. And frankly a bargain. At the same cost as your flights…
Over the course of two weeks you go from adorning the toddler in full UV get-up to pants-only if they’re lucky by day 14…
They can’t run on sand. That’ll teach the little Bastards.
Now you’ve seen the photos, you may want to consider moving from bikini to tankini… it’s time. Yes. It’s time.
Remember spanish playgrounds include just enough death to keep things interesting…
Yes. That’s considered dancing in their world… Just let them get on with it until they fall asleep on top of a neighbouring five year old.
Pretend not to notice if they punch another toddler in the face or start biting the Reps’ ankles… if your husband looks first, he has to deal with it… #sorted
If you want to make it through dinner, pack chips, melon and the iPad…
If you want to stay for drinks after dinner, bring chips, melon and the iPad…
If you want to pretend your toddler knows how to sit still and let Mummy and Daddy have quiet time, bring chips, melon and the iPad…
Making it Home
Never sober up.
Accept that the Hello Kitty bucket and the Orca are coming home with you.
Your holiday isn’t officially over until you reach your house. Eat full-size toblerones like chicken-legs until then.
You only wear white now. (the shorts thing still applies for the journey home though…)
Now you’ve learnt you can solve everything with chips, melon and the iPad, there’s no holding you back. You are in complete control. This is not a democracy. It’s your time now. You are Russia. YOU ARE RUSSIA.