So.
I’m back.
I survived my second toddler holiday of the year and aside of a mild sangria-related alcohol problem, paella-related weight gain and my new found ability to shed skin regardless of how much I moisturise, I have to say I actually… had fun? I know. I never thought it possible with the miniature Peppa-branded war-lord in tow, but we did actually enjoy ourselves…. mental…
So here are my WallyMummy checklists for surviving a toddler holiday… Use them wisely and preferably read whilst drunk:
Travelling
Reintroduce day-time bottles, and let let suckle themselves into a coma.
Stock up the trunki with duty-free Gordons and suckle yourself into a coma.
Pringles. #thatisall
Feel free to fart and blame it on the baby. Seats around you will suddenly become free… creating easier trunki/gin access…
Don’t travel in shorts. Eventually your skin will fully bond with the pleather plane seat… And a denim disco fanny in 30 degree heat is not the way forward…
Eating
They eat naked now.
On big-girl chairs.
And only melon.
Or chips.
Or sand.
You just have Mojitos now… and the occasional olive…
Daytime Fun
Somehow 10 Euros for a Hello Kitty plastic bucket seems like a good deal if it shuts them up for 20 minutes…
The subsequent ball, spade, bat, ring, boat and full size Orca complete with pup and sound effects were also necessary. And frankly a bargain. At the same cost as your flights…
Over the course of two weeks you go from adorning the toddler in full UV get-up to pants-only if they’re lucky by day 14…
They can’t run on sand. That’ll teach the little Bastards.
Now you’ve seen the photos, you may want to consider moving from bikini to tankini… it’s time. Yes. It’s time.
Remember spanish playgrounds include just enough death to keep things interesting…
Evening Fun
Yes. That’s considered dancing in their world… Just let them get on with it until they fall asleep on top of a neighbouring five year old.
Pretend not to notice if they punch another toddler in the face or start biting the Reps’ ankles… if your husband looks first, he has to deal with it… #sorted
If you want to make it through dinner, pack chips, melon and the iPad…
If you want to stay for drinks after dinner, bring chips, melon and the iPad…
If you want to pretend your toddler knows how to sit still and let Mummy and Daddy have quiet time, bring chips, melon and the iPad…
Making it Home
Never sober up.
Accept that the Hello Kitty bucket and the Orca are coming home with you.
Your holiday isn’t officially over until you reach your house. Eat full-size toblerones like chicken-legs until then.
You only wear white now. (the shorts thing still applies for the journey home though…)
Now you’ve learnt you can solve everything with chips, melon and the iPad, there’s no holding you back. You are in complete control. This is not a democracy. It’s your time now. You are Russia. YOU ARE RUSSIA.
#MojitosandOlives
hahaha!!! Brilliant!!
Replyhaha – thank you 😉 *swigsdutyfreegin ;)))
Reply*weeping*
Replylol 😉 *passes tissues and gin…
ReplyExcellent!
ReplyThank you! xxx
ReplyOh I've missed you. So funny. Sat sniggering at the dancing pic. Love that.
Replylol 😉 the cocked leg is rapidly becoming a signature move… Pahaha x
ReplyFantastic tips! I will keep them in mind for when [if] we go on holiday. Have to admit we bought inflatable orcas and hello kitty balls even before we had kids. And took them home with us.
Replylol 😉 it really is all about balls and Orcas… ha! xx
ReplyNone of mine have ever liked melon! 😀
Replyha 😉 mine eats enough to cover your lot's share don't worry 😉 lol xx
ReplyGlad you had a good time! So agree with you on the importance of pringles on flights…it kept my wee man entertained the last time for ages! Must remember the farting for next time 🙂 Looks like you have a premadonna ballerina in the making!
Replylol 😉 oh yes Pringles are Mummy's secret weapon… haha x
ReplyBrilliant post! Sounds like you're a seasoned pro at this holiday malarkey now. Glad you had a good time :o)
ReplyThank you! I like to think I've earned my stripes… Lol xx
ReplyGlad to get some tips for when (if) my husband ever agrees to go on holiday. Think he's harder work than my toddler though.
ReplyHaha 😉 go without him… Take the grandparents instead! Lol xxx
ReplyLove this post, it's so true!
ReplyFantastically funny as always, had me laughing out loud!
Welcome back x
Thank you :)))) x good to be back *downs gin in attempt to forget how much better life was on holiday… lol xx
ReplySharing this with my husband. He thinks we can't holiday with the toddler – clearly he know nothing of the melon. Or the gin. Cheers buddy hope you had a ball!
Replyha – consider him educated 🙂 lol x
ReplyBrilliant and sadly true. My four year old lived on bread rolls last summer, we brought home two buckets & spades and assorted floating devices. We were all inclusive, I PAID for mojitos.
Replyhahaha x you are my kind of lady #mojitosatlunch 😉 xx
Reply