Toddler-kind, Fellow ‘Followers of the Fart’ and Cocopops Appreciators,
Something very strange happened last weekend… AWESOME but strange…
Instead of the usual Saturday/Sunday activity… (where Mummy and Daddy say they are ‘hungover’ and I get to watch my entire Charlie and Lola box set. Again. Interlaced with Peppa re-runs. Whilst eating Chips…) THIS weekend we went something called ‘Cam-Ping’ to stay in what the folks referred to as a ‘Car-a-van’.
Don’t be fooled by the silly name. Or plain exterior. Car-a-vans are like houses, but they smaller so Mummy and Daddy can’t hide ANYWHERE, and they are full of cakes, Capri-sun, Cocopops, stickers and the fallen tears of a thousand fairies… that’s right – HEAVEN.
Allow me to impart my learnings from the weekend… (and yes, I know how to say learnings but not Cam-Ping or Car-avan)
Upon arrival at your Car-a-van. Fart to mark your territory in each of the rooms and decide where you’d like your cot placed. Demand a Capri-sun and some Cocopops as payment for taking the kid’s bedroom.
Test all the furniture for ‘bounciness’ with your muddy boots on. Just because you [email protected]*KING CAN.
Demand further Cocopops to re-build your strength.
Refuse to wear anything but your pyjamas.
Laugh about this.
Swimming… let them think they have the upper hand by dressing you like a twat… but remember… 5am wake up calls* through paper-thin walls can scar for life… SCAR FOR LIFE MOTHER.
*Remember to fill the room with farts for her arrival.
Also – refuse to EVER get out of the inflatable frog-boat. They like that. If Mummy tries to get you out, pull on her swimming costume to expose sections of vagina/nipple until she stops.
The ONLY way is naked-pizza. Or #TOWIN as I am now calling it. Don’t reckon it’ll take ITV2 too long to give me my own show…
It’s possible you will be unexpectedly presented with a giant bear, if this happens COMPLETELY FREAK OUT.
THIS IS A TRAP.
GO FOR THE EYES.
I REPEAT, GO FOR THE EYES.
Good behaviour will be rewarded with ice-cream.
But then so will bad behaviour if it means Mummy and Daddy can get another G&T in, so use the ice-cream high to [email protected]*k things up while you can get away with it.
Until next time.