Let’s get one thing clear.
Splash Pools are not a fizzy, fuzzy, fun-filled, family affair… they are WAR. It’s territory, telemetry and team-work. And you owe it to yourself to read up on the basics before you enter into battle.
Firstly. Position is everything. Think central. Yet covering both sides. Leaning slightly to the right… as they alway run with the wind… and attempt the most injury where the death pit, I mean sand-pit, is… Use the buggies to screen off your camp, and towels and biscotti to ring off territory. Train your toddlers to bite the ankles of anyone who breaches the borders and punch dogs…
Once in position, remember, pretend to pay attention by wearing large sunglasses whilst turned in your toddler’s general direction… and occasionally shouting random words whenever you hear a large splash or scream… Suck in your tummy whenever you realise you’re thinking about looking thin. And eat some cake. And gin. Yes, you can eat gin if you put it in cakes. Also, never get so cocky you think you can wear a bikini again… your life is about tankinis now. TAN-KI-NIS. And toblerones. And tanqueray.
Next. The swim nappy. A item sent down by the parenting overlords to taunt and ridicule parents. Don’t give in. NEVER give in. After an impressive scrabble with a Huggies Little Swimmer and some SPF 50, you have realised that bastard Pooh Bear is back to front, but there’s no time. The mums behind you have arrived ‘swim ready’ (whores) and are looking to monopolise the West Wing of the Toddler Area… CODE RED. CODE RED. CODE RED. Remove the nappy and commence operation ‘floater’. That should clear the area. Pull a smug face and eat some cake.
Other moves you can exercise in an emergency include the Naked Baby Nudey Run, The Poo Plunge, The Turd Torpedo, The Wee-Don’t-Need-You, and ultimately, The Kraken.
Haha, this made me giggle thinking back to our day at the paddling pool last week xReply
Teehee 😉 it's very important advice! Lol xxReply
Haha love this, thanks for the heads up, we have yet to experience this! 🙂 xxxReply
You will now be prepared! Lol 😉 xxxReply
Brilliant observations 🙂Reply
teehee x thank you! xxxReply
Killing myself laughing at the Turd Torpedo!!!!!!!Reply
Pahahaha 😉 u wouldn't be if it was torpedo-ing it's way towards u… Lol! 😉 thanks for reading xxxReply
hahaha!! So funny!! Lots of good advice though.. heheheReply
:)))) x I should really be some sort of parenting advisor to tyne government or something… lol xReply
This is brilliant! And exactly why I avoid taking my kids swimming at all costs and leave that job to Daddy 🙂Reply
now that is an idea… 😉 I hear a Daddy-Daughter-Splashpool-Weekend calling! 😉 xxReply
My four put off the most determined of 'swim ready' mothers without me having to try to hard – occasionally you can get hubby to puff smoke in their direction to really offend 😉 xReply
Pahahaha 😉 *thinks off ways to get husband to start smoking again* xxxReply
The splash park is hell. Worse than hell, it's limbo. With worse stuff…Reply
I went again today… Like a twat. But I was swim ready! BOOM! Pahahahaha 😉Reply
We spend a lot of time in Summer at our local river, and most of these rules apply there also. Next time some other family try muscle in on 'our' spot, I am SO shouting "TURD TORNEDO!". Well, maybe when I've learnt to throw my voice so nobody knows I said it.Reply
hahaha 😉 you should film that and stick it on You Tube… xx lol xx thanks for reading 😉 xReply
Glad I wasn't near that turd torpedo!Reply
Never mind 6 weeks, I think swimming should be banned for children under 3, just to preserve the sanity of the parentReply
NO SWIMMING EVER. except with Daddy 🙂 lolReply