Tinsel makes then angry.
The flashy lights confuse them… there’ll be much staring… then tears… then violence.
The pine smell makes them sad; masks their farts.
Pine Needles: tiny death spikes which your toddler will eat, stick in their eyes and hide in their clothing until later to stab babies with.
Baubles: like a red rag to a shitty little bull… a sparkly apple of delight just waiting to be bitten into… Then blood. Then tutting. Then A&E. Again.
Presents: Remember when you spent most of December beautifully wrapping, meticulously ribboning and carefully organising them under the tree…? Well, the toddler thinks they look better unwrapped and posted out of the cat flap with a turd on top.
Shit. They’ve just realised not ALL the presents are for them… cue STAGE FOUR FESTIVE TODDLER MELTDOWN.
The point where they work out the gold coins are actually chocolate is the point they will quite probably hyperventilate themselves into a coma. BEST. F@*KING. DAY. OF. THEIR. LIVES. EVER.
They will sacrifice both cats, a lamp, and the entire ornamental nativity set, including BABY JESUS HIMSELF, to scale that tree and get that bastard star down. FACT.
Not tree related, but my vagina releases humans so I win Christmas anyway. *sticks middle finger up*
Hilarious! As always. Number 10 is my personal favourite. Your posts have kept me chuckling through all the trials of having a toddler during the festive period; thank you and Merry Christmas.x
Replyteehee xxx thanks for reading! I agree No.10 rocks 😉 Happy Xmas to you too ;))) xxx
ReplyBrilliantly funny as ever! Number 7 makes me laugh – can you imagine POD's excitement after a stocking and christmas presents. Hardly surprising she had a meltdown when it came to her birthday presents! Hope you feel better soon lovely, here's to an awesome 2014 xx
ReplyThanks xxx you too 😉
ReplyI didn't even attempt to put presents under the tree this year, and my toddler liked to remove all the baubles and put them in a pram and run away with them 🙂 I'm finding them in the oddest places! Brilliant post 🙂 Happy New Year to you xx
ReplyHa 😉 quite brilliant… Xx happy NY to you too xx
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